Asking Why

long-term existential crisis.

2009-01-20T07:29:00.009+08:00

my head is all pent up right now.
i feel like exploding.
all the rage, all the fustration, all the disappointments, all the inner-cries, all the regrets, all the guilt.

but somehow i'm lost for words again.

i've fucked up.
i'm fucked up.
they're fucking me up.
i'm trying not to fuck up.
i'm still fucking up.

what would u do if:
you wasted an entire year, only to find out things are going to turn for the worse instead of the other way round.
your peers have all moved on, getting more out of life, while u are still at the back, wishing u didn't make the mistake.
you haven't celebrated christmas, new year, and missed out the holiday trip.
you bought 6 MCs, just to get an extra week of time after the deadline to clear something really important.
you can't click with ur current peers even after 3 months.
you literally have no more friends in school.
no peer work pressure, no learning from each other.
no lunch mates.
you are dropping and failing modules despite taking them the second time.
you always have to 'bug' your best friend online to try to have some company.
you never get 'bugged', after all, u're just a good friend.
you somehow think there's something wrong with you cuz your friends Never look for you. you feel like an annoyance.
you found someone special online.
it fucked up bad once long ago, and thought that this time it might just work out.
things get better until it so happens u just got taken for a ride again.
you thought everything might all be worthwhile after all, but u get dropped from the sky.
you get angry with yourself.
your family members, gives u more problems by 'aggressively helping u out'.
they never show up until they sense something really wrong, and then they continue to force u to change towards their selfish ends to get something out of u, as usual.
you can't sleep.
you are almost falling asleep at 6.30am, when ur Mom turns on the light and then turns off ur computer while its downloading stuff.
u make a fuss, she makes a fuss, she insists she's right, she gives sacarstic comments, she accuses u for something rediculous after checking ur sms inbox, she gets aggressive after u slammed the phone to the wall in fustration, u shove her out of the room, u get called a ass unfilial jerk.
you can't sleep anymore. u have a ton of work to rush later today.
and out of all this, u're losing your religion, the one u have tried your best to lie your back on for years.
you're losing faith, u're adding logic, u're trying to rationalize, but u are still scared shit of hell if u fucked up before dying.
the only reason you're not dead yet is because u're scared of it, and u have responsibility.
and there's more to come.

20 soon.
i still need you.

mad world.

2009-01-06T10:55:00.001+08:00

Students always get the short end (RANT)

2008-11-06T09:25:00.000+08:00

From my Facebook notes:

Don't we students sometimes really get sick of it when an injustice is brought forth to us by lecturers/teachers, and in order to avoid any potential conflict or bias among the facility's Staff, we have no choice but to suck up the shit and pretend nothing ever happened?

----------

Crazy minor injustices for example like, a fat English-teaching witch having her pms, starts stomping into the class to start the "moral education" lesson, only to end up cussing at some particular students and leaving the room pointing a middle finger.

The students try to talk to their kind form teacher about it, only to have him tell them to just forget about it and don't blow things up (don't make life difficult for him).

And then more serious injustices like: Lecturer A checking your work-in-progress weekly, saying that he likes it and it is overall going in the right direction.

However, at the final week of the term, Lecturer B, the examiner, thinks your work sucks, and then Lecturer A turns 180 all of the sudden and shoots you down along with B.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

No advice, no defense. Nothing to do but to embrace the shit shot at you out of their anus after feeding them with the best food that you can give.

Or another similar case where on week 1, Lecturer E thinks your Concept Version 1A is pretty Cliché, and asks you edit it to Version 1B through a few weeks' work. At week 3, he says, "Not bad, keep it up."

Then at week 4, Lecturer J, the examiner, comes and happens to think that Concept 1B is boring as hell.

Lecturer E, out of the blue during the presentation discussion, suggests to you Concept 1A instead, as if the whole 1A thing was his very own original Concept.

You try to bring the point across that you actually had Concept 1A in mind in the 1st place, but Lecturer had already marked you based on Concept 1B.

And Lecturer J goes, "Oh hey, I actually liked Lecturer E's suggestion to your Concept!"

---> And you try to talk to Lecturer J, the examiner, about the issue after class.
And Lecturer J goes, "Oh, it's like that, it's like that. We lecturers are learning along with your idea development as well." then gives you a nice smile (just like the grade D he gave) and leaves.

GG-fied.

----------

And what can the students do?
Complain to the school office?
The school admin is more afraid of staff getting into conflict than the students.
At least, the students are still a loose mass able to be pulled back by the discipline system.
Plus, teachers who snub at each other will only give the school a bad reputation, whereas the students who pull the name down will only be kicked out like a ball.

Conclusion: Students will always get the shorter end. Just suck it up. Or wait for your turn to be a Staff member.

*****Comments?*****
I know some of you have encountered similar situations.
And I also know that some of you teaching staff are hanging around in facebook, some even farming Pet Society. :)

Out The Back.

2008-11-02T04:20:00.006+08:00

A sense of null as usual when I finally sit down and decides to defragment my mind.

At times, I really just hope I could lock up some of the negative thoughts, hoping that somehow they’ll dissolve away.

Because it’s tiring even to even express out stuff, the words get lost halfway when they’re even out.

And the worst is you know it’s not gonna change anything, and for my case, much less get any good feedback or advice.

Encouragement is pretty much non-existent in my dictionary unless I go up to people and ask for it.

Insignificance.

I’m trying. I’m running.

I’m thinking the bright sides. I’m drowning in shadows.

---

I guess since I’m here, why not just describe the 3 weeks.

First week was quite alright, in fact.

Monday, Eugene the two-face didn’t come.

Tuesday no lesson. Wed was Drawing class, didn’t talk to anybody except the Ang Moh tutor who said my drawings are generally ok and added critiques.

Thursday was long 7-hour tutorial with an hour break in-between. Made some new friends and had my 1st lunch with the clique. Quite a nice bunch of people, yea.

Friday was an 2-hour lecture and Pro-man class was cancelled.

Throughout the week, I’ve seen familiar faces, chatted a bit here and there. The two Sams, CMY, YY, HW, ZC, and CY and Mark in the lectures.

Been in and out of the two FYP prison rooms hanging about as I wish, kajiao them and supervise their work heeh. Good to have at least some connections, and a glimpse at the 3 months I will be spending in there soon.

Family support’s been good too, I was having a bad stomach in one of the mornings and my parents actually waited for me so they could fetch me to school without being late, despite being late themselves. Really grateful, or at least it soothes their worries.

---

Slowly realised that all of my “good friends” happen to have their own “good friends”, good for them.

Hard to spend much time with them, since they don’t have that much time for me. Not trying to be possessive, I don’t want to be that kind of friend. Besides, they get tired of my ranting too.

Oh well I guess I need to find my own set too, but so far no luck.

I’m just not that kind of person to go up front to people and “hi hi hi” here and there. Plus it’s always part of my mindset that somehow fat and unattractive people don’t get much attention after 1st impressions. I’m both right and wrong, of course.

Plus even friends from my batch said they thought I was a retard when they first saw me 2 years ago. No kidding.

We’ll see how it goes, and I’m trying to stay positive.

---

Weeks 2 and 3 were here and there, with old attitudes surfacing as painful reminders, and me struggling to kill the procrastination and poor time management. Pretty bad start for the term.

Ponned a few lessons in the 2nd week already, determined not to do it again on the third week.
But eventually I skipped Wednesday’s morning class again because of a 4-hour long insomnia and I decided that I needed the time to sleep and then do my work later in the day. Mom found out and started nagging.

For the past few days I was already having a really, really bad cough, the type that makes your chest hurt, saw the doctor and took an MC. And the inside of my ears were bleeding for no apparent reason.

So I was doing my work and retouching them up until 2-3am on Thursday morning. Went straight to sleep, trying to catch a few hours worth before the long day ahead. Insomnia caught up again.

At 5am, just at the moment I was going to fall asleep, my Mom came into the room and turned on the light, asking me to close the window as it was raining. I obviously felt damn annoyed and yelled to her that I already did so.

She then started to pick a fight regarding me ponning my Wednesday lesson. Great, there goes my sleep. And she wouldn’t stop. Chased her out of the room and I tried to rest without sleep, and minutes later she stormed back in being all crazed up, saying my future is screwed and that she doesn’t know how to answer to people who ask her about how I am doing and shit like that. Repeat process from “chasing her out of the room”.

Ended up going to school feeling all pissed and tired.

Keep falling asleep during the morning lesson as I had nv done any crazy sleepless night since like months ago. Decided to pon the afternoon class. The 3-hour sleep I would have had should have given me enough sanity to finish the day, but I ended up having none.

Left class in a hurry without doing the class work, and took a cap home immediately to doze off.

And then right now, as I want to start on my work early (doing work on a Saturday night which deadline is on Thursday is actually very damn rare for me), I was going to transfer the reference drive from my portable harddisk to my laptop.

And I realised that on Thursday when my mind was solely focused on getting home asap, I actually left the 320gb harddisk in class. FUCK.

I always thought that little gadget is in my bag until I just realised the awful truth when I go looking for it. Shit isn’t cheap too, and it’s less than a month old.

Now I can’t do any fucking work during the weekend until I find some kind soul from my current batch to send me necessary files. Plus its 4am right now, nobody’s online.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

---

Oh and one more thing, I’m retaking my SP3 (which I didn’t finish the 1st time around) during the December Holidays. And I have to cancel my family vacation trip to Hong Kong. Brrrr. At least I didn’t have to juggle the retake along with my weekly school work.

---

I hate myself. :)

I know.

2008-10-11T09:33:00.001+08:00

abc.

2008-09-08T01:55:00.004+08:00

Lots to say, but I'll take the silent way.
Expression is a hassle when it usually falls upon deaf ears. (or blind eyes for that matter.)
In any case, the world would not be bothered to know one's problems.
I know, because I can't be bothered to read all the emo posts in friends' blogs, except for one I care about (but I usually will just read.)
And then I know all the long stuff I have written a long time ago will only be read by me when I want to, but I just wanna leave it all behind.

What to do?
1. Have better friends.
2. Care, but don't expect anything in return.
3. Ignore, but indicate a reason.
4. Just be yourself.
5. Change yourself.

A long time. Before a long prayer. A long night. And then a lousy day.
Why does it seem so hard to make something so simple happen?

Look forward?
Square one is always home base.
Until its gets taken away.

I don't know what I'm talking about but it seems like its the only sane way.
Back to my corner.

We will never stop disappointing each other.
Please forgive me for everything.

Zombies ate my sleep away… again.

2008-08-25T09:06:00.005+08:00

Some people say life is meaningless without dreams. Judge mine.
Zombies, aliens, military, giant monsters, all happen to cross over to my dimension every time, and it all feels so surreal in the context of the dreams.
Plus they usually have video-game mechanics like re-spawns, retries, and even death-cams, but I still feel like I’m there in the world, feeling the emotions and interacting with people I know in real life.
The dreams usually have some sort of weird complex plot that I don’t even know why they’re logical when I wake up.
The worse thing is, usually I know I am in a dream, but I can’t wake up. I just sleep on and let my imagination run wild.
Trust me, I am NOT making any of this shit up.

----------------------

One of my first such dream took place in an apocalyptic Singapore with giant alien spaceships scanning broken down buildings for survivors. My parents were both killed by the aliens, and my sis and I were residing in a tall old building. One night one of the ships with tentacle legs hovered outside the building, shining its huge bright orange lights into the building. I had to wake my sis up and then lead her to move and hide around behind some broken down furniture to avoid being spotted by the lights. It was so intense. Eventually I got caught, and the tentacle grabbed me and burned me, then tossed me to the first floor like a rag-doll. I had to “retry the stage” a few times to get thru. Eventually we got out of the building and continued to evade scanning ships. A few “tyco” intense escapes landed us in an underground resistance base, lol. I volunteered to join their resistance while my sis was safe in the base. Then after attending a few briefings I carried out my 1st mission along with the squad. Our tactics even included guerrilla warfare and deceiving the enemy spaceships while we were disguised as one of them. We eventually infiltrated one of the main ships and at a crucial point I was almost captured, tortured and killed (again), but then I woke up. It was my first time having such a long crazy dream and I was almost excited to sleep on and find out what happened in the end, which I didn’t because I remembered I had some DMD work to do before going to school.

----------------------

Another dream had me visiting a relative’s friend’s condo along with my family. I was close to uncovering a huge conspiracy (business? Can’t remember) when I got detected. The head of the family then decided to silence me, get my DNA and replace me with a clone so “I” can go home with my family. I had to evade the black suits and weird security guards to get out of the condo. Then they didn’t give up, and sent patrols to the surrounding area. An secret intelligence agency then contacted me, guaranteeing me safety and reward if I could meet them and give them the info I discovered. The rendezvous point was at Sentosa, and the condo was at Woodlands. So I had to sneak all the way from the North to South of Singapore, avoiding the evil goons and arousing suspicion from pedestrians because I was carrying something big and unconcealed, presumed to be related to the intel I found. Like MGS + GTA, I did my stuff. I even received Octo-camo like Snake in MGS4, which I found out wasn’t very effective in an urban environment because people keep spotting me somehow and I had to run. (Don’t picture me in my present state wearing a tight stealth suit, because “I” am usually in a physically fit shape in my dreams >=P) And again, I almost got to Sentosa after traversing HDB after HDB, and doing stuff like knocking a cleaner uncle out to wear his clothes and keep the huge intel thing in his cleaning trolley, but in the end I woke up again, without knowing the ending.

----------------------

Last night’s special, my maternal family and I went to Malaysia. Zombie outbreak happened. People on the streets became unbelievably tall, their faces exceptionally long and they could run very damn fast. Cut to the chase, a lot of intense chases and suspenseful hiding. Lost 2 of my family members and was really feeling the sense of loss during the dream. Eventually got to the helicopter finally, and flew off the island. Towards the ending, I found out the cause of the outbreak was due to a parasitic organism leeching itself onto another one, causing a giant explosion of virus and turning the people into long-faced tall zombies. Might sound stupid here, but in the dream it was pretty damn frightening. Its like “Left 4 Dead” without guns. Lots of gore and gibs flying around too. Tried to go through the plot again without losing any family member by making better decisions and wasting lesser time, but it seems that “destiny” seemed to repeat itself (wth?). I don’t even know what I’m talking about now, all I remember is waking up feeling quite exhausted from all the crazy “plot twists”.

----------------------

There are still quite a few more similar dreams/nightmares haunting my nights and honestly, I’m tired of it. I swear that if such dreams happen again during school days I would have been damn annoyed because of the lack of quality sleep.

Haha, I think I might be labelled as a little “childish” because of all the content in my dreams, but hey, if I could just dream of those long draggy soap idol dramas with love triangles and rectangles and shit for a change, and less crazy shit happening, I might just get a happier ending. =)

National Day.

2008-08-09T23:23:00.008+08:00

Mini Review:

nasi wawoo jipaban
jipaban
wa woo jipaban
ji si lang hio kin san~

To be honest, Jack Neo's films are getting a lil cliché.

Using a local popular subject or culture, and implementing it into a comedy, with satire jokes that make the audience laugh out loud, and then halfway thru encountering crisis after crisis, ending in an emotional twist, slightly preachy yet not overdone lessons or morals given, then back to comedy ending.

This times it's back to the themes of the original film that started it all - money, local views on it, politics. Plus it also introduced family and social values halfway thru - family, filial piety, emotional wealth etc.

The entire film is almost like the 1st one overall, just set in a more modern era, with some scenes allowing the local CG teams to show their best works, and also adding in the recent gimmick in 811 - lots of old Hokkien songs as background music and themes.

But hell, all of that as mentioned above still works and adds in the local flavour like no other movie can.
Just imagine the Dark Knight in Hokkien.

It's still quite a worthwhile watch, though there aren't really many LOL jokes nor are there many emotional sequences as compared to maybe "I Not Stupid 2" or "Ah Long". But the ending in fact, had me tearing partly due to the tense sequence and the music. The whole cinema was sooo quiet. But seconds after, another comical scene and everyone laughs. Only local shows can liddat I guess.

Overall - 7.5/10

--------------------

Nothing much today... just out to watch this movie with my family, my aunt's fam and my grandparents.

I didn't have any plans today, so I thought I might just tag along for another family outing.
Had feast at Long John Silver's.

Sat beside Popo during the movie, luckily she not very loud like the time all of us watched "the Tree", hehe. Just feels different watching movie with elder family instead of friends, but its good that the movie is local, no exposure/generation gap.

On the car we discussed the issues in the movie with Aunt and Popo, and I jokingly asked would my Granny would have made the sacrifice as the character did in the movie. Quite funny conversation haha.

Aunt won 4D - sneaked money to me again XD =P.

Dinner was at a restaurant selling Beehoon as the main dish. The last time their stall was beside Admiralty Country Club and after every weekly swimming trip, my entire maternal family would eat there. The Beehoon is just as I remembered - good.

Sis & Jeanne

Feel like talking more about some issues about money I discussed with friend today, but nah. Tired to type.

In any case - Happy 43th Birthday Lil Red Spot.
I feel like spurning some patriotic words of pride, but thinking of the 3-year vacation I'll be taking after my Poly.. errrrr. Hahaha.

Really like this song now.

Funny Exam Answers.

2008-07-30T05:11:00.009+08:00

Link: http://www.masalatime.com/?p=419

That page just made my day (or night, for that matter).
Reminds me of some of my own antics last time at Sec sch.
Like drawing pokemon and writing other crap just to further piss teachers like Mdm. Tian off.

Another one had the teacher made fun of and was told to the entire level, lol.
I still remember,
"How is zinc oxide made?"
"God created it."
=P
The teacher marking that paper happened to be anti-religion.

I still hate chemistry though. Or math. Shit subjects.

But on the other hand, gone are the days where stress means just a week of intense mugging, sometimes with the luxury of chionging together with friends at libraries helping each other out.
And then getting all tense when entering the exam hall, and then ending it all after a few mere hours.

Nowadays, stress means weeks and months of project work, some of which requires staring at pencils and paper and the monitor screen alone, eating away late nights and weekends, making some of the students moody for the entire period. (like erm... me? :P)
Even if its group work, different people with different styles and methods still have to somehow blend together, not exactly an easy thing. The partners you get depends on luck too.
Plus the work has no standard working or solution of doing it, it's either you get it right somehow, or you spend loads of time just to get a crappy grade.
Then even if the work is finished early, touch-up would be needed until the very last minute.

Not that I missed any kind of written exam though.

Cest' la vie, suckers.

Why so cereals?

2008-07-27T22:04:00.009+08:00

NO SRSLY.

(I am too damn boliao during the night.
And no, that isn't make-up, just my noob photoshop skills. X)

MGS4 Previews /A huge load off my head.

2008-07-26T03:27:00.018+08:00

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots was released on June 12 last month, almost 3 years after its first announcement and teaser trailer.

I finally got the limited edition game last month on its release date. I went all the way down to Paragon's Sony Style shop that day, just to find the game hasn't arrived yet. The pretty salesgirl asked me to come back after a few hours, and so I did. Came back later, and managed to play the game at the Demo Kiosk for quite a while, which was the reason I chose to go there as I know that shopping mall is quite ulu.

And I tell you, watching the enemy soldier go ! and Otacon screaming "SNAAAAAKKKE!!!!!" when your character dies; on full HD glory on a huge-ass TV with powerful speakers, it was... fangasmic, and certainly caught a lot of passerbys' attention. But as for the gameplay, I realised the entire control scheme was changed and "Americanised" from previous titles and as I didn't have the time to adapt, I played really badly that day. But it didn't bring down my excitement to buy the game.

The bad news is, while I was playing at the Demo Kiosk, some punkass guy with his gf took out their fat credit card and bought the entire store's copies, must be some auction fellow buying off cheap from Sony's and then selling off to fans who didn't do research. Shit. I had no choice but to come back the next day after ordering it, and collected the game along with the free poster which only arrived that day.

I took photos of the game boxes with the intention of gaining childish bragging rights online, as it was the first time I ever chiong to buy something on the release date. But in the end I didn't brag because I didn't have the right to, and thats because I only had the game, not the console. zzzzzzzzzzzz. People all over the world had already finished this epic game by now and I still have to avoid forums and related websites just to avoid spoilers. Oh well, since I could wait 3 years, a few months doesn't do much.

--------------------

So Teck bought a PS3 a few weeks back, and he was kind enough to let me try out my MGS4 at his place last week. He didn't have a HDMI cable to connect the PS3 to the HD-ready TV, and so I couldn't play the game in basic HD.

But it didn't matter, as with the game's gorgeous graphics and cinematic cutscenes, plus the sound effects of the war-torn envionment, it seriously pulls the player and anyone watching into the screen. I swear that even with the basic speakers of the TV, I felt giddy and hints of "aftershock" after I played for a straight 4 hours or more.

Teck and I ended up cancelling the plans for movie trip later that evening as Teck forgot to do his homework because he was watching me play the whole time. When his dad came back, he was glued to the screen as well, and one can see that he's impressed, even when gaming ain't his thing.

Yesterday, I returned to play again, this time just by myself as Teck did his work in his room. I tried playing as a normal MGS fan this time round, enjoying every bit of cutscene and codec sequence, and trying out different manners of tackling the stages etc.

Ok la, I should be getting my PS3 pretty soon, and I can finally chiong the game in HD and my surround speakers blasting. Can't wait. Full review and retrospective review of the entire series coming soon to my new site as well, soon.

--------------------

We went to the usual place for haircut after the lazy afternoon at his place.

As usual, that place was crowded, mostly teenage males going there for the trendy cutting style, plus free hairwash and styling, all for just $10. Of course, it was even more worth it for me as the unlucky one getting me will be cutting a lot of stuff.

Waited an hour for our turn, and it took the hairdresser almost another hour to finish the job, heh. Used a total of 3 scissors cuz 2 of them eventually clogged up. Few of the other employees eventually commented jokingly.

Hmm yea the employees there are all very friendly and professional. I'm not promoting for them but I'd recommend anyone to go to this place if you stay in or near Hougang:
J and Jas Hair Dressing Salon
Block 682, Hougang Ave 4, #01-336

Now my head literally feels much lighter. =D

Wished I took a "before and after" photo. =X
After dinner at CPP, stayed around at Teck's place for a while, and installed DODS on his comp, so next time can play. Also returned the bunch of Doraemon comic books to him and kop another bunch back home to read during late nights, hehe.

Ok la nothing much to say le.
Thanks for reading. =)

Sunday/Family Pt. 2

2008-07-24T03:59:00.014+08:00

Last Sunday morning, I met up with the clique to chiong “The Dark Knight”. Simply put, that movie is a MUST-WATCH. It’s definitely the best movie of the year, if not, years. It’s got really memorable acting, a gripping plot, good action, and simply even better than the usual Hollywood good stuff. Watch out for my full review of “Batman Begins”, “Batman: Gotham Knight”, and “The Dark Knight” in my new site (still under construction -_-).

Anyway, it was also good to meet up again with the usual few, to catch up a little and stuff. Watched the movie at noon, and didn’t do much after that cuz we each had our Sunday plans. But still managed to go to the arcade with LX & LN to throw some basketballs, and stand around looking at hip teenage girls in spaghettis and skimpy shorts dance DDR (ok maybe only I did that =P).

45 min trip on the MRT from Douby Ghaut to Yew Tee. For about 1/3 of the time, I was surrounded by a bunch of sweaty construction Banglas and their Filipino girlfriends. And I tell you, it doesn’t feel good. I was just standing at the corner beside the door reading my magazine and suddenly the horde came in the train. If the smell wasn’t enough, they were like chatting and waving their arms around. FFS, lol. Heng that they got off the train after a few long painful stops.

--------------------

2nd half of the day consists of me reaching my 2nd Aunt’s place to attend Iris Jiejie’s birthday party, along with the entire maternal family. Good thing that they waited for my arrival before they took out the cake XD.

Same as usual, the atmosphere was loud, chatter, laughter, my dear Granny can’t sit still for 5 minutes without ranting at something random, the 3 cousin-sisters screaming for joy, cam-whoring, singing, Aunts chatting, Dads sleeping, (& Granny & my Aunt sneaking some pocket money to me without the others looking =P) etc. Just like the regular weekly joyful family gathering, just that this time I’m in the picture =D.

(Bunch of crappy photos from my mobile. All the good shots are still in my cousins' cams.)

--------------------

But out of every large happy family, there is always one or two members that you just cannot get along with. So there was this Uncle of mine, with that smug jiao-bin (cock-face), always teasing people around and occasionally making the small ones cry.

*****

A little bit of history here, back when I was younger and still attend weekly gatherings, I used to be bullied by two male cousins, one slightly younger, and another 4 years older and of much larger stature. The younger one would usually be nice to me, but when the older one comes, he would manipulate the young one into bullying me together with him, such as mean jokes, purposely not letting me play on the computer or console, doing things they know I hate to me etc.

The difference between my story and a certain comic’s is; I didn’t have a robot cat sent from my descendants in the future to supply me with gadgets I can use for revenge. So usually all I did was cry and try to complain to my parents, who would usually ask me to just forget about it, or the bullies’ parents, who didn’t care much either because they all used to label me as a cry-baby without ever investigating who was really in the wrong. But such incidents never happened anymore when all of us eventually grew up, and I started to attend very few family gatherings. Unlike the cousin-sisters who became closer and closer when they grew up, it wasn’t the same for the boys’ side.

Ok, so back then, if getting gang-bullied wasn’t enough, every time I run to the adults’ area to complain, if that jiao-bin Uncle was around, he would GLOAT at my situation in front of everyone in the family by laughing and making faces with mocking phrases. Now you know why I hate him. But there was this one time where I was around Primary 4 or so, that fellow did the same thing again. I ended up getting so mad that I threw the empty plastic bottle in my hand at his face. WHAM! Had the bottle-cap end hit his face, his nose might have been broken. But even if that happened, bastard deserved it. And of course, I was condemned for my “rudeness” against an adult family member that day.

*****

So yea, back to last Sunday’s events. After the cake-ceremony and picture-taking, I retreated to the room with the computer along with the little ones. Was uploading the photos to Iris’s comp and browsing the web, when my Sis suddenly got into an argument with her closest cousin, a year or 2 younger than her. They usually are happy-going pals, but from time to time the younger one would fight over stuff with my Sis. On the other hand, my Sis, being the mature one, would usually just give in and let her have her way. But still my Sis would still keep it within herself as she knows complaining won’t help much.

And so the younger one started pinching my sis and pulling her hair over the argument, my sis brushes her hand off and asks her to stop, but she wouldn’t. So my sis delivered her signature scratching move to the younger one (they are indeed quite painful, I once received the same thing), and the younger one ended up crying, and then running outside to complain and make noise, pointing fingers to my Sis as if it was all just her fault.

My Sis kept her cool and remained where she was, but I know she hates it when such things happen as she might get blamed instead. The younger one outside soon told her side of the story to everyone, but fortunately not everybody believed her as they know my sis will never start a fight, especially with one younger. I had witnessed what actually happened, so I went outside to explain stuff for my sis, and fortunately the adults were understanding enough and they began to calm the younger one down, still crying by then. And I thought, case over, and I went back inside the room to assure my Sis that no one was going to put all the blame on her. But my Sis, being upset with the entire ordeal, was still struggling not to cry.

After a while, my Granny came into the room to rest. Seeing my sister, she sort of comforted her la. That’s when soon that jiao-bin Uncle also walked into the room, with his usual smug look. I knew what he was going to do, and I was right. He started accusing my Sis of bullying the younger one with his sly accent, with the intention of making fun of her. And as soon he finished his sentence, I remember staring at him and said something rudely like “What the fuck do you want?”

WHAM! He gave a hard slap to my face in response. At that moment, I instinctively just burst from my seat and gave him a hard push. He retaliated and we were close to exchanging punches, when my Granny, with her gift of gaining attention easily, stood up and tried to pull both of us apart while screaming. Soon, some of the men outside came in and pull my Uncle outside. By then, I remembered spamming vulgarities at the man outside who insisted that he deserve the right to give me a few more slaps for being rude to an adult. He almost rushed back in when I taunted him to, but the men outside restrained him, while my Granny also pulled me back and tried to calm me down while asking me to stop with the vulgarities as well.

I didn’t know what exactly got into me, why I was so mad all of a sudden. I am usually quiet and cool nowadays at family gatherings. I ain’t usually so worked up to the extent of violence and cursing, especially to a family member. Maybe I wanted to protect my Sis. Maybe it was the slap that the jerk gave me. Maybe I understood the feeling of being bullied and wrongly accused at the same time. Maybe I had had enough with such fucked-up characters still hanging around in my life. Maybe I used up some of my father’s rash-rebel genes in me. Or maybe… what the fuck.

Family.

2008-07-20T03:25:00.003+08:00

So I went over to my 爷爷’s place today for it was his birthday soon on Tuesday and the whole family (almost) is going out for dinner today. It’s been almost a year since I last saw any of them, my cousins, my 姑姑, my Papa, and not to forget, my dear 爷爷.

Felt guilty when I couldn’t make it on New Year’s Eve because my place was playing host to Daddy Morris’s family for reunion dinner, and I couldn’t just leave the house. I also didn’t go over to 拜年 either on the latter days.

Papa (and later both my Aunts as well) always asks me to occasionally drop by their place to visit them, something I never really got down to it.

I feel fortunate that the whole family still treat me as a close member and we still all get along pretty well despite my often absences.

And there are those usual teases about my height & size (as compared to all of them) and nowadays my hermit long hair and fair LCD light complexion.

So we went over to Downtown East & had dinner at Sakura International Buffet. Loads of variety and good food, though the place was crowded like a foodcourt. But sure beats the usual Chinese Restaurant stuff every year.

Some photos I managed to get so far (The rest are still in my Dad’s digicam.)

老豆 & I

Nicholas and I

Afterwards, we went back to 爷爷’s place for cake-cutting.

Birthday song, chocolate fudge cake, chatter, laughter.

Grandchildren.

爷爷 was kind hearted to send me home as always. I asked about his health as I heard he has to go to hospital for checkups now and then, and I’m glad to hear he’s still healthy and strong for his age.

He knew about my deferment and stuff, and he asked questions and gave advice. Everytime I visit him, he seems to know that something’s been lacking in me and I can see his concern and his hint of disappointment, but he never once lectured or scolded me, and only gave kind advice. I still remember him forking out 3k just to prevent me from getting into a police report, whereas my parents didn’t care. He didn’t scold me or anything, but just told me not to do it again as he guesses that I must have done that stupid thing in a moment of folly.

Everytime I visit and interact with my family over there, I seem to be clearer, and somewhat guilty yet determined at the end of the day. But I still live over here, with my kind of life to lead. I only hope I am able to bring the lessons learnt there during my stay there last time back here. But till today, I’m glad that I know, there’s a family and home over at Tampines, always warm and welcoming.

Digged up some old photos recently, and here's some of which I celebrated one of my birthdays over there. XD

In any case, here’s a Happy 73th Birthday to my 爷爷. =D

Life. Game.

2008-07-13T03:09:00.011+08:00

w00t casual post (which will eventually end up kinda self-indulgent) during middle of Saturday night.

Been gaming as much as I can lor, before I start on pia-ing some assignments before the semester begins. (yes I know I'm cheating. =p)

----------

Lots of stuff happened in my TF2 experience, like my primary clan split up because of a mutiny I sort of led. Let's just say the leader was getting on most of the members' nerves, and I wanted a democratic system. The "pro" leader with the huge e-penis now only has a few fools left under his manipulation, lol.

But anyway, when the group split up, a new casual group was created for the members who wanted to finish the league. However, stuff eventually went to shatters as weeks of lack of manpower and only few people showing up everytime for the newly formed group. Our results were bad, lol.

Getting a little tired of the game, now only playing now and then and also when the updates show up. I feel like joining one of the competitive clans though, whose quite a few members I actually know.

----------

Tried out Day of Defeat Source during one of the free weekends, and decided to buy it since it was just selling for US$5. Overall quite a unique experience for an online shooter, you die very easily, weapons have crazy recoil, split-seconds determine the winner etc. But somehow, those "setbacks" made the kills more satisfying, especially when the player starts to get used to the WWII weapons. And not forgetting the satisfaction when the team finally overcomes the opposing side as one.

The free weekend sort of revived the local playerbase in the game, as I heard the servers used to be empty all day (people moved on to TF2 & other games), and clans and communities went MIA. Anyway, found out that it was easier to get along well with players here as most weren't shy to use the mic.

The servers are constantly under attack from China guys as well (because China's internet sucks), and usually resulted in humourous banter and arguments, like one guy who just came in and dissing off Singaporean's English standards, and some who just like to kpkb. Of course, there are nice ones too. Its sometimes interesting to game in local servers, because people come in from countries like China, Hong Kong, India, or even Aussies & Europeans.

A few late-night gaming sessions proved to be the opposite of boring because everyone was talking cock. A range of topics from movies, politics, school life, school girls, and even discussion about JAV and eroge was on for the whole night. And just in case you're stereotyping us like nerds who sit by the computer whole day and fantasizing, most of us in there actually have lives outside, some NS, some schooling, some even have families of their own. And as for someone like me having a long holiday, it certainly beats the everyday boredom and possible emo.

Because everyone just loves to talk cock, thats the fun part.
Never been part of the local online gaming scene before, and it turns out more fun than I thought.
I'm staying in it for a while.

Alas, I'm also very looking forward to release of Left 4 Dead, another Valve game. Its a shooter, with running zombies. Online Co-op. Ability to play as survivors or zombies. Its thrilling, its hyper, and it just looks damn promising. Go this page for the detailed preview -
http://www.left4dead411.com/left-4-dead-preview-index

----------

Despite my online adventures, still I can't deny that sometimes I'm damn getting bored of homelife, always trying to jio some old pals go out, but ppl always busy busy. -_-

Was browsing thru my Sec Sch yearbooks the other day, can say that I really kinda miss the kind of life those days. Not that all of it was smooth, some were pretty rough and jerky, but there were also the moments I've kept. From the close bondness of 2E4, to the quirky banter & jiao-weh of 4E5, those 4 years had a really sharp contrast as compared to Poly life, at least from my perspective. Sometimes, I even forget how many years it has been since I graduated. That explains why I was surprised when some of the juniors I know "suddenly" graduated as well.

Most of them I know have moved on and created new memories, while I'm just hanging on to whatever I've had. I just lurk at their blogs XD.

I told a Poly friend that some of my old classmates are going overseas together, hanging out at clubs and beaches and stuff, and I feel very no-life sometimes. I was met with the response that all of that is all whether the person wanna do such stuff or not. True la, but given the environment and school I am in, I think finding the right clique to hang out & chill out isn't easy.
Plus the fact that I'm not really an computer kind of person when I was younger. Also I'm not one of those outgoing people, its the people who makes me outgoing.

I guess either I continue settling in to this computer life, with occasional outings and fun shit, just like everybody else, I think. Otherwise I need to find more good kakis in my life.

Some of my dreams lately seem to be trying to fill in my social gaps, like creating believable scenarios like old friends getting together and stuff. Imaginary reminiscence ftw? At least I get less of that video game stuff, I have had too many of that. I wish someday I can just sleep well and have less dreams I don't vividly remember even when I wake up, unless its some sweet stuff. =\

----------

Alright, tired.
Random fact: I found out a few days ago that I actually lost 9kg, lawl. I dunno how, I dunno why, but its all good. Lots more to get rid of though. =P
Anyway, must not let this night turn me back into a nocturnal creature, so ciao. =)

it ended like it should.

2008-07-02T03:39:00.002+08:00

---

i've moved on for some time already.
it wasn't exactly much, it wasn't exactly long.
but at least i knew, something was different.
and i am thankful.

so much to do, though for the deadlines I'm mostly lenient. =P
3 months holiday left.

there's a lot i should think about, but ain't exactly gotten down to it.
there's more to do than to think about.

some things will be lost ...
some things will be gained ...
when it all starts again ...

" In The Air Tonight "

2008-06-18T05:20:00.011+08:00

"Concert" in Grand Theft Auto - Vice City Stories

Original Music Video

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am
Well I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember, don't worry, how could I ever forget
It's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence UP, oh no you don't fool me
Well the hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you and me

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord, oh Lord

I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord

“

I don't know what this song is about. When I was writing this I was going through a divorce. And the only thing I can say about it is that it's obviously in anger. It's the angry side, or the bitter side of a separation. So what makes it even more comical is when I hear these stories which started many years ago, particularly in America, of someone come up to me and say, 'Did you really see someone drowning?' I said, 'No, wrong'. And then every time I go back to America the story gets Chinese whispers, it gets more and more elaborate. It's so frustrating, 'cos this is one song out of all the songs probably that I've ever written that I really don't know what it's about, you know.

”

- Phil Collins, on the origins of the song
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_The_Air_Tonight)

-----

Alright, suddenly love listening to this track again during the late night. The instruments, the style, the lyrics, all just gives a sad, but strong feel to it?

Actually just completed GTA VCS not long ago. The overall experience was quite memorable, in fact, it ranked 2nd out of the 5 GTAs for the PS2.
(In order of preference - GTA SA, VCS, VC, LCS, 3)

VCS was so much better than the forgettable LCS, thats for sure.
The graphics had a nice upgrade from the original Vice City, and had some nicer "tourist spots" and a warm simmering bloom for the lighting.
The radio stations, the song tracks in VCS on the other hand, was the star of the game. It really caught the feel of the 80s Miami, from all the retro-hits, to the American culture (as well as satire). And it actually had a story and characters I care about, unlike the lackluster LCS.
And for the first time, there was actually a real-life star appearing in the GTA franchise, and you actually have a couple of missions including Phil Collins.

(GTA = Grand Theft Auto; SA = San Andreas; VCS = Vice City Stories ; LCS = Liberty City Stories)

Oh well, don't wanna say too much about the game, I'm intending to do some fuller and better reviews of some of the recent games I've played/replayed at my (soon to come) entertainment and work blog.
I've bought MGS4: Special Edition already, @ $108 at Sony Style. Cheapest price of the lot actually.
Right now, I can't get a PS3 yet, and so I'm going to try re-running and getting the full experience out of MGS1, 2, and 3 all over again.

There's a long overdue post for this page as well, including events and thoughts and stuff, just haven't got down to it.
Limiting myself to all the play-time for this month, I have spent more than enough time getting my psyche back to a normal mode after the damages, and soon I need to start preparing to get back up and stand firmer and stronger in the times to come.
I'm thankful for the ample rest and friends during this period, that emo times come lesser, and my mind clearer. =P

Anyway, I remember once again, it was the GTA games that exposed me further to a wider spectrum of music genres, with the original GTA Vice City making me start to like 80s music.

Brick Testament ftw.

2008-05-26T19:59:00.003+08:00

I'm not usually one who blogs about the debate websites I visit,
but this page got me reading thru the wacky content and the entire list of comments.
Top 10 Bizarre Biblical Tales

And this page is even more hilarious.
Brick Testament

"做你的外套。"

2008-05-26T03:19:00.003+08:00

One of my favourite songs. =)

动力火车 - 外套

我早应该知道
你只是偶尔的需要
习惯了你的味道
挡风成了我的骄傲

你每个心跳
开始都计算不到
难道给我的回报
只是陪你在他的怀抱

Chorus:
做你的外套
只能穿梭你的外表
听到你对他的撒娇
可笑的是我没资格计较

做你的外套
拥抱着却不被拥抱
我是谁你知不知道
怎能随便穿上又换掉

我能拥有什么
答案早就明了
学会哭也能笑
oh no

怎么不听劝告
怎么不被想要
还在为你效劳
会不会疯掉

怎么不听劝告
怎么不被想要
还在为你效劳
你知不知道

.....

XD

2008-05-12T07:30:00.003+08:00

Please understand that I'm a total newb at this game,
and forgive my noobness if they show.
As I've never played any games of similar genres,
and I may get totally pwn'ed by it.

But nonetheless, I also want You to know;
That I will use up all my credits,
and no matter how many respawns it takes,
I will try to play this game as long as I can,
although this is more than a game to me.

Please encourage me when I'm off-form.
Please forgive me if I rage-quit sometimes.
Please cheer me on if I'm on a killing spree.

Because I will do all the same to You.
Just press "E", and I'll always be there.

XD

PS3 > X360

2008-05-10T09:25:00.009+08:00

This post is dedicated to a good old friend, who recently had been tempted to commit heresy by deciding to buy a Xbox 360 just to play some lame ninja game.

---

Why Playstation 3 > Xbox 360
Article by Louis Poh aka. IntricationZ
Loyal follower of Sony

Xbox 360

AAA Titles (Exclusive or not) like Halo 3, Gears of War, Bioshock, Lost Planet, Mass Effect, Devil May Cry 4 are eventually ported to the PC, which allows for even better graphics, and mouse control for FPS.

Can only play game discs. Want watch HD movies? Pay more money to stick on a piece of HD-DVD player.

The Red Rings of Death which will inevitably occur some time or another, even when covered by Microsoft's long warranty given, will create hassle for the user.

Online gameplay (Xbox Live) though provides good service, requires users to continuously pay for them.

Summary:
Xbox 360 would be considered as just a dumbed-down version of a Gaming PC, which breaks down frequently, and doesn't allow for Free Online Gaming.

Playstation 3

AAA Titles like Metal Gear Solid 4, Killzone 2, Resistance, Drake's Fortune, Final Fantasy XIII/Versus, God of War 3, Kingdom Hearts 3, Zone of the Enders 3, remain EXCLUSIVE, while users can still get their hands on multi-platform games like Call of Duty 4, Devil May Cry 4, Burnout Paradise, Grand Theft Auto IV etc.

Though most games on the market now are most optimised when run on a resolution of 720p (1280x720), PS3 is the only console which allows for a display output resolution of up to 1080p (1920x1080).

Blu-ray game discs allow for ridiculously large amount of game data storage, which in turn allows for large graphic textures, uncompressed pure audio, extra content etc.

Blu-ray player in the console is a much cheaper alternative as compared to other stand-alone players available in the market.

Home (Online) allows for creation of virtual PS3 user in a large worldwide community, with in-depth user customisation, casual virtual sports games like pool or bowling, or just plain simple socialisation with other users (Myspace, Second Life etc.)
Personal Virtual Space (Apartments, clubs etc.) in Home allows users to show off their achievements and trophies from games. Creative users can even import their own 3rd Models of the places into the service.

Online games like Singstar and Little Big Planet allow for a lot customisable user-created content, and provides user with pure addictive casual gameplay with friends.

PLUS, online gaming & communities are essentially, FREE.

Summary:
PS3 have multiple exlusive AAA titles on the horizon, is a cheap Blu-ray player,game discs have huge storage, provides a free and in-depth online experience.

Final Verdict:

Right now, Xbox 360 is admittably the better console, has access to numerous multi-platform AAA titles which would otherwise be PS3 exclusive. Nonetheless, it's own exclusive titles go to the PC, anyway.

Some multi-platform games on the market now have admittedly the better version of the game on a X360, with slightly better graphics and loadtimes.
However, this is due to the X360's architecture being too similar to the PC (Remember dumbed-down PC?). Game developers at the present are still scratching on the surface of the PS3's full potential, and I personally believe, optimised game titles fully maximising the PS3's raw power are on the horizon.

Xbox Live may be the leading online gaming provider right now, but prices are still steep in my opinion, and forces users to continously pay for the service like paying to continue playing an PC MMORPG.
Home/LittleBigPlanet/Singstar may be still in their Beta stages, but look extremely promising to provide excellent service in allowing users to participate and have fun in user-created content.

Final fact: Xbox 360 ain't getting no MGS4.

---

No, actually I just all wrote this stuff to remind myself how great my Entertainment Religion is. :P
I watched some Live Presentation Videos at Sony 2008.
Link: http://www.gametrailers.com/game/2185.html

Just a random post which should be going into my entertainment blog. (Yes, intending to separate my blogs into one for entertainment, one for personal life & shit.)
Lazy nowadays.. enjoying my deferment and some minor advancements at social life? o.O

N-E-way, I hope the case stated in my previous post has been nothing but paranoa. Shit like that DO happen, though. At least my online life is still intact. (I still can't post at my tagboard. =\)

Later.

My online life under attack.

2008-04-30T01:56:00.008+08:00

Thing's been happening at Team Fortress 2.
A (pro?) hacker in the Philippines is having fun in the SG/M'sia servers.
He uses aimbot in-game, escapes VAC (Anti-cheat) protection, and seems to have multiple Steam accounts from across the world.

Being me, I've tried to reason with him/her and even sweared at that person.
Thus, I've received several impersonations and insults from the same user on and on.

Full Topic about the Issue in Gamesync Forums -

http://gamesync.net/forums/showthread.php?t=19363

Today, I came online to my blog, and found a whole lot of rude vulgar spam in my tagboard. (I've just deleted all of the mentioned spam.)
This user had appeared once on my tagboard, and impersonated the same person (whom I know in real life) again.
The problem is, when I logged into my Cbox account, I realise that the simultaneous posting from the same user has actually different IP Address for every message!
I did a "strengthened ban" on all of the IP addresses of that user.
And shit, I realise my IP address is banned from posting on my tagboard now.
Like, wtf?

On my Steam community page, I only included the link to my work portfolio, which in turn, has a link to this page.
Could it be the same person?
But how can the hacker in Philippines impersonate someone I know in real-life in my blog? A different hacker? (I only can hope.)

Shit, this is getting serious. What have I done to deserve this?
I'm now afraid that the hacker/s may proceed on to hack my e-mail and my accounts on other websites.
Anyone knows of any help/consult I can turn to when I face such cybercrimes on the internet?
Is there some kind of cyber-police in Singapore?

Post 117.

2008-04-22T09:32:00.003+08:00

1 month nv update. Quite a few have happened. Life's been generally good, I guess.
Anyway this post is just to inform/hype you about the changes to come.

This blog will be reassigned to a different address and another will take over this one, which I still owns.
I will also create another site for something else, rest assured it'll be fun.
I'm no skinner, so pardon my noob website skills.
Anyway, in my humble opinion, I believe that 80% of why people (continually) visit websites is due to the content, 20% will be for readability, neatness and the general feel.

Anyway this is a funny joke I came across while browsing on Shoutwire.com

---

NO SEX TONIGHT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy for you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

---
lol.

Stay tuned for the real updates. :)

Bunch of Lame Quizzes...

2008-03-20T04:45:00.004+08:00

...which I took when I was bored.

Free-IQTest.net - Quick IQ Test

Am-I-Dumb.com - Are You Smarter?

HumanForSale.com - I am for sale!

56/100RateMyLife.net - How are you doing at life?

CadaverForSale.com - How much is your cadaver worth?

"Let it be"

2008-03-17T06:15:00.001+08:00

Unexpected posting at this hour.

Oh well, I'm feeling better, thanks to my usual listening ear.
Thanks for the hours of chat whenever I feel like crap, good friend.
Always appreciate your advice & encouragements. =D

Been down with fever a few nights back, and sleepless.

Anyway, camomile tea's not really the thing for me I guess.
Nowadays, I chose to sleep in the morning when my family's out, and then I lock myself in the room, and I tune up the volume of all sorts of my favourite loud music.
And then I scream and headbang and go hyperactive for half an hour.

And then I fall asleep.

Tuning the bioclock back again today, must gek till tonight.
This week must start on concepts, and jogs.
Luckily my friend is there to drag me.

must find some driving force behind all of these.
whether being supported or whatnot.
may the Good Lord help me find the will to live on with some purpose or whatever sh*t.
may i find my invisible wings.

Non-sense.

2008-03-14T03:00:00.007+08:00

I pray to you, camomile tea, do your shit tonight.

I've been convinced that the common perception of happiness and a fulfilling life nowadays basically means:
1. Sweeping all the negative thoughts/guilt/questions under the rug, in a sense -不要胡思乱想
2. Push all out on your ambitions/career/faith.
3. If your life's good, right people would be there to silently move you along behind the scenes. Otherwise, you gonna have to try seeking the right people. If you can't find any, face yourself at a corner during the times when option number 2 is done for the moment, and option number 1 starts to break loose.

& believe me, laughter is overrated medicine.
so is Hillsongs and glossolalia.

Gotten tired of trying to count blessings, and to the extent overrating them to make oneself feel better.

my little world.
when will i ever leave this place with the will and the passion?
i kinda like it here, in fact. and at the same time, i really hate it.
but i know i would have to leave soon on my own, or be forced out to face the blinding light.
can i really juggle the existence in both worlds?

the world has no place for people like me.
weep; and you laugh alone.
laugh; and you weep alone.

I can't move on.
I need more connections. I've tried, and still trying.
Maybe I expect too much.
Maybe I expect too little.
Fuck this.

vanities of vanities, all is vanities.

-----

the kind of world you're in, i envy.
at the same time, i'm really happy for you.
i wish i'm more like you.

Why do I have to think of a title for every post? Damn Template.

2008-03-13T13:46:00.010+08:00

Terrible insomnia these few nights.
And then some vivid nightmares that wakes me up during the night.
And then oversleeping as a result, late or not able to follow original plans for the day.
what the fk man.

Teck recommended Camomile tea, some herb thing that is supposed to help one relax.
Just got one box of that, haven't tried it out. Hope it works.

Anyway, just watched "The Leap Years" with Teck yesterday.
After being tired of crap from Hollywood nowadays, *Hint* Meet the Spartans/10,000 BC *Hint*, & not willing to watch some ~~retard~~ guy who can't sit well changing the world (no offense lol), I thought maybe give this one a go, since its was a local production & the ticket was on a $6 promotion.

Hmm, the film was quite nice, I guess.
Original concept? yes. Inspirational? kinda. Touching? hmm..
The movie does raises issues which deal with some of the perspectives modern people have on love,
Heart vs Practicality, Platonic friendship vs Romance.

There was one point in the movie where it was nearing the climax;
Where the male lead went to dunk a huge pile of paper from the top of the OCBC building, in a very fairy-tale touching sort of atmosphere.
& I kinda randomly commented to Teck, "他不会被警察抓meh?"

The people in the theater heard my comment and started laughing, because no one was really talking at that moment cuz' of the seriousness of the scene. Lawl.
But it wasn't intentional that my comment got heard by others la, you see.

Even after the movie, whereas I heard from people who had watched the movie had people leaving the theater in tears, people from my theater were laughing somehow. I don't really know why. =S

This morning, I was browsing through Shoutwire.com to see if there are any crazy & funny news.
Turns out that a few days ago, the Vatican "patched" the original list of 7 deadly sins and it became 7 more.
Such includes pollution, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, drug dealing, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice.
Shoutwire Article
Main Article

Oh the irony~~~~ I kinda lol'd at the wealth & pedophilia part.
No offense to the Catholics folks I know, but this kind of stuff is just plain ridiculous from my standpoint.

Ok la nothing much I wanna say.
Except I think I'm finally going to start work soon for a few small project collaborations with friend/s.
I don't have many friends nowadays, but I'm thankful & appreciative of the few I have. =)
Adios.

Bleahx.

2008-03-07T02:48:00.001+08:00

Somehow a little getting back to the nocturnal life, cuz I somehow slept from 12am to 5pm the other day, was just too tired. No dreams, no disturbance, just a good refill. =)
Tomorrow need to force the switchback to normality by sleeping less.

Yay, last night, quarrel & tensions around the house.
I was the one fueling it into a full-fledged discussion, and I'm satisfied by the result.
At least this is the one of the only few ways we communicate effectively.
At least we got some things stated and settled.

"Conflicts & tensions are good; they solve problems."
- Joseph Stalin

I've got a new Zen Stone Plus 2GB for $99, and I like it a lot.
As I usually only need a music player on public transport, I don't really need a crazy 100GB Ipod.
Plus, this one has some nifty features like Radio, Stopwatch, and even a integrated speaker.
The thing is, its kinda small, & I need to keep a good watch on it when I bring it out.

Meanwhile, awesome news.
I can play Chains of Olympus on my PSP!
I realised the game doesn't have any Dpad controls, therefore I only need to fumble a bit while navigating the menus.
I guess CMY can keep his PSP with him next week, heh.

Also I've finally received the GTA LCS & VCS for PS2 games via mail.
The seller was kind enough to do a resend when I reported lost mail last week.

Just watched the alternate ending of I am Legend, & I thought it was much better than the original one shown in the theaters. This one was less cheesy, and has more of a tone similar to 28 Days Later.

K thx bai.

somewhere. somehow. somewhat.

2008-03-04T11:44:00.009+08:00

Long Rant.
Read if you wanna, paste it in notepad or something.

Right after Kbox yesterday, was supposed to rush home to help my sister do her project after a sudden chain of calls of which my Mom demanded me to allow my sis to use my laptop for her project. I said, “No way” cuz its not that easy to connect to the internet and stuff on my comp. I promised to get home asap and help Sis do the work during the later hours, but then Mom continued to yell and yell and even bring over non-related topics to yell about over the phone, with my sister backing her up in the background, giving threats about doing some nasty things to my stuff.
Typical scenario, though this kind of lame tension is already considered very mild compared to the shit that used to happen. Nonetheless, I still get pissed off.
After a while, when I called home again, my sister suddenly says she found the answers and sources from her textbook, and all I needed to do was check her work when I get back.
ZZZ.

At the bus-stop, somehow caught my (bio) Father alighting.
Dragged me to have coffee and a talk with me at the coffeeshop..
And then he continues to meet a few people whom he knows, seems like a weird night to him.

Was almost going to get the usual lecture, and realise Mom has given exaggerated stories to him again (yea right I still sleep from morning to afternoon nowadays.)
I had to “update” him with some of the plans I have in mind during my deferment. He criticises my current plan, which to do a game with a friend, useless.
He continues to compare me with some of his useless friends who are jobless for years and play WOW at home everyday, just what I needed.
“I need to shake him off.” I thought, as I was already kinda tired after the day.

A young female friend of his came by, sat down and sort of joined in the conversation. (Not really, my father didn’t stop the lecture even when a third party enters.)
But that person was really nice, seems to understand what the communication gap was about, and sort of refuted my father in some ways and gave suggestions.

Then my dad demanded to know from me what my problem all along is, and expects me to take it out in one go.
He then sort of wants me to meet him up more regularly, saying that he is a “conventional” person.

You wanna know the truth?
Truth is, ever since a few years recently, I’ve looked upon him as more of a cool person in his fifties with a lot of outside life, but not really as a family member.
My Mom was right about him in some ways, he’s always the guy out there.

He’s the person who talked about Christ to his friends on the phone more than he tells his son about it.
When he knows his son doesn’t go to church anymore, he bugs him to go even though he himself had already missed church for years.

During the shittiest period of my depression a few years back, when I needed the things I need the most, all I received was sacarsm and harsh unsensitive lectures from him and also a wide range of family members who tried to "work something out with me".

My really honest truth, from those days onwards, I have shut myself from him, which makes all 3 of my parents.
I only act like everything’s ok when I meet him sometimes at Bras Basah, act like a kind polite tall and fat son in front of his friends and stuff.

Every once in a while, my Mom would drag him into the picture through exaggerated tales of myself, and I take it as another session of music facing, quite like a hassle.

I may have his genes, I may have inherited some of his artistic abilities, I may have the same interests due to his influences when I was younger.

But people change, and I am an unconventional person.
This is who I am.

I am the kind who’s not good with expressions and words.
I am the kind who bottles up, and anticipates people to shoot.
I am not the selfish kind, and I like to share.
I may seem like a selfish person because much of me am centred on me.

I am the kind who bothers people, or people can’t be bothered with me.
I look quiet and reserved when I’m outside/being with unfamiliar people, but people accuse me of acting cool, and being blur or cunning.
I know the importance of physical communication, but I don’t have many (real) friends.

I am a person who sees 60% of his current life through an LCD.
My best friend is indeed my blog.
I am most accessible online.
But I have to ~~beg~~ ask my closest friends to give me comments and attention online.
I am the kind whom people walk past, say “tsk tsk.” and walks away.

I am not hip, I am not cool, I am not good-looking, and I am not fit.
I am obese, and I really wanna go out regularly for physical activity.
I am one who struggle with OCD issues daily, and wishes to be more normal like I used to.
I get into a state of depression easily.

I am not a depressed person who recovers after knowing Christ.
I am the one who went into a state of depression even after knowing Christ.
I am the kind whom Christians are likely to label as ‘backslider” or some other bad example.
I am in a life where practical saviours, as rare as they come, are mostly non-Christians.

I am a person whom expresses and opens up his honest self rarely, but when I do, I get accused of being “emo” and not “自爱”
I am the kind who is lousier than suicidal people, suicidal people who doesn’t dare to commit suicide.

Last but not least,
I am the kind who writes posts like this in his blog.

Quoted from a May 2007 Post:

Its ok, I’ve become used to the fact that the people who love me, don’t know me.
And I happen to love the people and things I don’t really know.
And the One who knows me the most, I find it the hardest to love.

I have grown so used to try to ignore/solve the negative things in my life, and I find the positive things fogged.
I was never the independent kind, just the one forced to be, dragging myself along.
I wished I can dig out more courage out of myself/my faith, but somehow I was to go the hard way to learn independence, by learning it independently.

Stop trying to tell me there is a sun and stars in my life, and I have overlooked them.
When all I see are dark clouds occupying the in-between space.
It’s not like I don’t know or am not appreciative of the existence of the sun and the stars.
It’s just very hard to get peace and contentment, just by knowing the existence of something good.

Last night:
Reached condo.
Stayed downstairs for half-an-hour looking at the starless sky.
Called friend and said someone needs to talk.
Friend wants to sleep, oh well.
Friend instructs not to think so much and sleep.
Can’t sleep. 2 hours.
Slept eventually, didn’t sleep well.
Woke up early due to lights in the living room.
Mom yells, leaves for work.
Sits down on comp and listened to hours of Linkin Park and other loud music.
Listened to "Numb" and somehow tears came out uncontrollably, even though it's the 9538978th time listening to it.
Takes a break today, tomorrow starts project and joining in physical activities.

Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
Don’t know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

(Chorus)
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart
Right in front of you
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

(Chorus)
[Numb lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

(Chorus)
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Out 4 Fun.

2008-03-04T11:22:00.003+08:00

Friday, went to watch “Ah Long Pte. Ltd.” with Teck.
At Plaza Sing, again.. Other place cinema no good timeslots.

Ok la, I like the show quite a lot.
Every few years when Hollywood seems fully-milked and getting stale, along comes a good local film which has plenty of original humour and unique culture.
It may be a comedy that features Ah Longs, but it does still contain the gritty reality and issues that concern them and their “clients”. And the tale is narrated by a unique outsider who somehow fits into the picture with hilarious results. The plot may be quite predictable, but the show is ultimately meant to make people laugh, which I definitely did. XD

Dinner was a good Carbonara at Pastamania, but the dish had chocolate effects. (Damn shiok at the start but starts to get sick towards the end)

Yesterday, went Kbox with Marchand & Marion (his Sis). Both of them are regulars of such scenes le, always go there train and try out songs, haha.
Most of the songs there are mandarin la, and some of the English songs either are MTVs only or have crappy alternate vocalless versions and really stupid random footage in the background.
Meanwhile, I need people to send me good Chinese songs. I have heard most of them before over the radio, but usually doesn’t know the track name ~~or where to find them online.~~
Overall, it was quite fun la, I maybe will go again with them next time.
Hoping to call more people along too.
& Hoping my singing can get better, lol. =)

I need to go fix my PSP soon, this time for real. Hopefully its just a faulty Dpad and not the entire motherboard.
God of War: Chains of Olympus is coming out tomorrow, and it looks sickly awesome.
(The Gametrailers.com Review is out.)

Nineteen.

2008-02-28T22:27:00.007+08:00

Here I am,
entering the last teen year,
remembering what's been past,
wondering what's ahead.

Thanks for the wishes, all who gave. Appreciate it. =)

I remembered on this day last year, I was tattered, tired, and blur as I rushed to Bras Basah to (re)print stuff, feeling sleepy all the way. My mind was all so stamped upon the end of the 2-month race, and the concept of time was about living a day at a time. Not even in the mood for no celebration, 1st of March was the deadline for the SP back then.

Most of SIDM probably are having their final presentation today, hopefully all went well for them.
Some of them told me their presentation quite jialat, hmm oh well, hopefully it won't be as bad as they think, and wish 'em all the best lo.

Next year during this time, its my turn again, but hopefully, perspectives and methods change by then.

Dinner was at Pizza Hut. Feast of usual favorites - including Lasagna~! Muahaha.
I haven't been eating as much as I usually do lately, probably because I ain't so stressed. But today, woot that stuff was good.

My sister agrees.

And as usual, the cake ceremony in the living room with photo-taking, tradition of every Birthday of every family member every year.

Yay~

Tired right now, gg slp soon.
I nowadays slp from 10pm+ to 6pm+, quite an achievement for me due to my nocturnal background, heh.

Happy Birthday to Me - The Vandals

It's my birthday and I'll do what I want to
F*ck you it's my birthday.
A special holiday only for me, so do what I say,
it's my party, I'll make you cry if I want to... or leave.
F*ck you, it's not your birthday, so do what I say.

For 24 hours you're wishing me well
364 days I'm in hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.

Alone on my Birthday,
I'm going to Denny's 10 times today
No Tip! It's my birthday, so do what I say
Thanks Mom didn't have an abortion
or my birthday wouldn't be today
but I guess it's my good fortune my birthday's today OK

For 24 hours you're wishing me well
364 days i'm in hell, oh well
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
(spank me)
oh well
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

I can't believe you forgot my birthday
it's my birthday and you're wrecking it
now it's just like any other day
you didn't do what I say
How could you forget my birthday?
That's really immature...
F*CK YOU for forgetting my birthday
you didn't do what i say today

24 hours no wishing well
now 365 days I'm in Hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Happy Birthday to me!!!

Tomorrow's Outing & Fun Day.

Your words made my day. <=D

Mandarin-forbidden Kingdom

2008-02-19T04:23:00.004+08:00

The Forbidden Kingdom
(WikiLink)

Oh look, finally a Jackie Chan & Jet Li collaboration Flick, hooray~! woohoo!

Oh wait WTF, they had to Americanize it. WTF!!!!1!1!!!111

First, adding a White boy as one of the main characters.
Then making 2 famous Asians speak something out of their Native Tongues, and their "Engrish" potentially taking the mocks & criticism of some Ang Mohs.

So many people out there waited for these 2 Chinese Icons to do a good Kung Fu flick, and the rich Americans had to take over and add on some parody of the classic "Journey to the West".

Furthermore, its going to be directed by the guy who did "The Lion King" & "Stuart Little". (HUH?)

Although I'm still going to watch it when it comes out, the news of this movie as an English film has taken 75% of the potential hype.

Argh, so disappointed.

Sundays.

2008-02-19T00:01:00.003+08:00

Ahh met up with Teck & Ben on Sunday morning.
Went to PS (again..) to watch CJ7 movie.
Quite nice & funny, the story was simpler and less "epic" than Chow's last 2 movies, but it had its moments. The only hard part to swallow was the part the characters were abusing the cute alien, lol.
Well it was definitely more worth watching than Jay Ball or Jumper. (We were arguing which movie to watch.)

It was Ben's last day in Singapore before he flys off to China for IAP.
All the best, pal. See ya in 2 months.
Hoping to still be able to msn you even tho the internet there sucks.

Ben had to leave early, thats why we took pictures in the train station. =/

Afternoon, went to hang around and slack at Teck's hse.
Looked at his SP4 game in development, some 3D Mech Versus game like Virtual-On or Armored Core, who wouldn't guess lol.
We were discussing that we might be able to create a game during the holidays after his SP, provided he doesn't diok IAP or FYPJ.
Probably it'll be a 2d side scroller, since he's confident that he can code it easily. See how la, might even do 2 or more games if we, I mean he, has the time.
Stuck around in his place & watched TV, dinner at CPP, and home at 9+pm.

Lol, anyway my steam community rating dropped from a perfect 10, to 3.6, the first time in weeks.

Only played for a while last week, mainly to try out the new Control Point Duel map, Badlands.
I liked it quite a lot. In fact, its better than the other 2 similar maps, Well and Granary.
This one's less linear in traveling paths, and has more interesting landscapes.

Ah I'm still waiting for the new map, Goldrush, that comes along with a new game mode, Escort the Cart or something. I can't wait to use a Demoman to chiong the escorting team, hehe.

Well I'll still make sure my TF2 time wouldn't be as long as it was.
In the meantime, its another week. Time to do some stuff at my own pace, hopefully I can soon get on what I got this deferment applied for.

Cheers.

I HATE Lotus Seed Pods.

2008-02-17T00:40:00.008+08:00

Few days ago, I was playing some Isketch, and then it was my turn and the word "rash" came up. Curious about what colours rashes are, I did a quick google search.

And i stumbled upon the most Guai Lan picture I have ever seen in my life.

It was a picture showing a close-up of woman's breast infected with some kind of "rash", some larvae infestation. And there were multiple irregular pores with maggot heads peeping out of them.
At 1st, despite its disturbing look, I thought the "rash" look suspiciously like the Lotus seed pod.

Turns out it was actually a photoshopped image indeed. The shock image was the subject of some internet & e-mail hoax some years back that basically told people that there are some ass maggots infecting people's bodies in South America. Some websites have already identified it as a fake image but yet many people online already has this image implanted in their minds.

Now, I don't give a shit if the lotus seed pod image was photo-manipulated into which part of the body, nor do I care whether its a real disease happening to people out there. Its just that the image of the lotus seed pod surface disturbs me somehow.

I do have a little bit of Trypophobia (fear of clustered holes), but Swiss cheese, metal holes and Spongebob Squarepants don't bother me at all.
I kept staring at the image and other lotus seed pods, hoping to get "immune" to the grotesque nature of it, but somehow I couldn't shake off the goosebumps if that image appears again after a while.

And some Assholes on the internet (who are probably not affected by such images, or just like to disturb people with such phobias) even went to Animate the maggots into wiggling ones, in a .gif file. One of them even photo-manipulated the surface itself and multiplied it onto a cute Japanese girl, fking hell lol.

Here is the Wiki Link. (I WARNED YA.) There are other grotesque shock images in other pages of the Site too, so its definitely NSFW. And I don't wanna post any pictures to ruin this page.

I was so curious to find out what elements of the image are the ones getting on my nerves personally.
Call me crazy, but I even took some of the images and did some photoshop work on them by experimenting what elements to remove and what not, and I got the answer.
It was the organic round rings that surround each of the pores. The main disturbing feature was the seeds inside, each with a round blackhead in the middle.

Never has such an image disturbed me so much to the extent which I couldn't help but use laughter to cover the queasy trembling feeling that comes with it.
The last time something that serious that made me laugh was when I was watching some of the gore scenes of George A. Romero's "Land of the Dead", and even those images don't even bother me anymore.

The shitty thing about shock images is that the more you try not to think about it, the more they keep popping out at the unexpected times, and you feel tempted to see it again.

Now I'm hoping that Lotus image is actually a real world object, so that I can use tweezers and needles and clamps and acid etc. to do Nasty things to it, to "settle" it once and for all.
Because, unless God helps me erase this image off my mind, my LCD screen may even get damaged.

But seriously, why did God create such an ugly plant?
It's Beauty in His eyes, but a sore to mine.
:S

Updates Done.

2008-02-15T23:18:00.009+08:00

Hehe, for this week, I have been doing nothing much other than updating this page.

Total of 3 Posts.
This post is for users to navigate thru the page easier, as I know 2 of the posts are horribly long, lol.
(Please press the BACK button once you're done with each post, because the blog's template changes when you want to read that post alone on a single page. Plus my html knowledge is like crap.)

TEAM FORTRESS 2!!!
My most detailed Review of any Video Game/Movie to date.

"On a Valentine's Day"
Some random ramblings and a nice song.

Aftermath.
Updates on what I've been thinking or doing for the past 6 months.

So there you go.
For those of you in SIDM, enjoy your SP4, take it easy, and have fun.
加油! =D

This page will be more frequently updated from now on, I think.
So please feel free to spam comments or tag in the tagboard.

^_^_^_^_^_^

TEAM FORTRESS 2!!!

2008-02-14T20:51:00.082+08:00

Since its Valentine's Day, I thought I might share a thing or two here about my Beloved (Game), TF2! *Claps*
I don't usually bother to do detailed reviews of games or movies, since there are just too much of them that I'm exposed to.
But you know, this game to me is.. special. ^_^

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introduction

To spare the basic explaining, visit these links and watch these cool videos to get a rough idea of what this game is about:
TF2 Article in Wikipedia
TF2's Own Wiki

Note: Youtube videos' quality sucks, if you wanna watch/download clearer ones or even HD ones, they're available on Gametrailers.com.

TF2 Trailer 1

TF2 Trailer 2

Meet The Heavy
The Juggernaut of the Classes, tough yet slow, and very deadly when dating a Medic.
The first class that I got familiar with during the 1st few hours, and I began mowing people down everywhere with Sasha.

Meet The Soldier
Most balanced Class between offense and defense, although of late I've been even much more efficient with Demoman.
"Unless it's a farm!"

Meet The Engineer
One of my favourite support Classes of the game, this fellow builds turrets, dispensers and teleporters for the team. They are otherwise busy turtling with fellow engies, or on the look-out for Spies.
Also, I wanna follow their philosophy in life, based on the quote below:
"Hey look buddy, I’m an engineer. That means I solve problems. Not problems like "What is Beauty?"; because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems."
And people in the industry actually take his words seriously lol. - Link

Meet The Demoman
My overall Favourite Class. This Black Scottish Cyclops is full of character, great for going offensive on turtling Engies and Sentries, and effective for setting traps and defenses.
"So, to all you fine dandies so proud, so cocksure, prancin' aboot with yer head full of eyeballs. Come and get me I say, I'll be waiting on ye with a whiff of the ol' brimstone."
"I'm a grim bloody fable with an unhappy bloody end."
"Aww they gonna hafta glue you back together in HELL!"

Colourful characters right? Valve (the developer) still owes us five more "Meet The" videos for the rest of the characters. Can't wait to see the one for Pyro and Spy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Personal Review

This game was really a surprise hit when I got the Orange Box back in October last year. Frankly I didn't even know much about the game until Meng Yim told me that Orange Box was out and TF2 was kinda fun. Now I've played days more than he does, lol. It is one of those rare online games I've gotten kinda addicted to. F**k Maple Story :P.

Graphics in this game is colourful, stylised, and in some areas more immersive than modern shooters going for the "photorealistic" look (i.e. Crysis, COD4). Furthermore it was implemented in the Source Engine (the engine that powered Half-Life 2), therefore it wasn't too graphically demanding.

I'm using the laptop Acer 5920G with a 8600m GT Graphics Card.
I'm playing this game at 1280x800 with all details to Max, 2X Anti-Aliasing, & 16x Anisotropic Filtering.
My framerates are a steady 40-55, with dips to a minimum of 28 when the action gets too intense. Considering the mid-range power of my mobile version GPU, it's actually already pretty good results. With some adjustments and stuff, I can easily get a constant 60, but I want the Eye-candy. =D

The graphics' Illustrative Rendering, shading and all that, are actually considered innovative and fresh in the industry. Check out the video and document.
Illustrative Rendering in TF2 Video
Illustrative Rendering in TF2 Document

The game's art direction was even featured on CG Society. - Link

Humour is what this game sets itself apart from all of the "military" simulation games. Countless times I've lost control laughing due to this game.
1. Each of the colourful characters has quite a lot of in-game dialogue, which are pretty funny and witty, and all of them has a script to talk about certain stuff at certain circumstances.
2. This game has some seriously good animation to make the characters of different shapes and sizes look alive. And every single character has 3 unique funny Taunts.
3. Everytime you think you have seen everything in the game, some random weird and funny scenario would pop out and everyone in the server would go ROFLMAO WTF and laughs it over the mike.

Gameplay-wise, is obviously in my opinion, awesome.
There are only 6 official maps on release, plus 1 of them recently revamped to accustom to another game type.

Game Modes:
1. Control Point Conquest: Attacking Team storms enemy base, stage by stage. Control point once conquered cannot be taken back by Defending Team.
2. Control Point Duel: Both Teams has an equal amount of Control Points, any Team conquering all points wins.
3. Capture the Flag: Standard like other shooters, except the Flag in here is an "Intel Briefcase", and you can capture the Enemy's Intel without your Team's Intel in your base.

And I'm glad I've not played any of other online shooters with unbalanced maps, because once you're in this game for a while, you'll slowly appreciate the effort put into the level designs. No class/team feels overpowering in any map.
And another great thing Valve does is include developer commentaries inside their games, which are informative yet not draggy.
The gameplay overall is a good mix of Strategy and Teamwork (its called Team Fortress for a reason). And if you think these kind of shooters are slow, you're wrong. Shootouts can get so frantic sometimes that the moment the match is over, I won't bother to kill off the remaining people on the losing team. Its like Unreal Tournament on a Real-time-strategy map.

Each of the Classes has a unique feel to it, and thus when you're getting sick of one class, you can always switch. Plus every Class has some cool special ability of attack, defense, or support.

One of which is rather propertiary to this game is the Spy. - Link
As quoted:
The Spy is generally the Solid Snake, the stealth class, using his Cloak and Disguises to blend in and sneak behind enemy lines. A Spy can get behind his foes and silence them in one smooth swipe with the Butterfly knife. This is not instantaneous so if an opponent moves out of range after the Backstab is initiated, it can miss. The Spy cannot use weaponry at all while Cloaked, and will lose any active Disguise if a weapon is used except for the Electro Sapper. In addition to being able to eliminate enemies quickly, the Spy is a great anti-Engineer measure. The Spy can place an Electro Sapper on an Engineer's building, disabling it and slowly draining its health until it is destroyed.

The Spy has been targets of hatred, fustration and occasionally humour, causing paranoia and confusion for the enemy team. And personally I think this is a cool and effective class to use when a direct offensive push isn't working, but real good Spies know when not to use the class. Because all it takes is an enemy Pyro to "Spy-check" and burn everyone they see. And if you're a veteran at the game, you would spot "suspicious behaviour" if that enemy Spy isn't acting well enough.

9 classes + 6 maps + 3 game modes = almost countless flow of combinations and strategies, and thus although sometimes me as well as the community feels "burned-out" from the same maps over and over again, some new and unexpected strategy would come out, and the good players would know how to maximise that tactic, or not use it at all.

One major problem in this game is Stacking. Unlike Savage, where people in the server gets to vote whether a Team-Shuffle is needed, this one doesn't have the function. At 1st I didn't consider it a huge problem, but it was after a while when I kept "acting the hero" and kept joining the losing team, then my KPD (Kills-per-Death) ratio recorded on the server dropped from 1.4+ to 1.1+.

For a time, some called me the complaining whiner because I kept asking people and clans to switch teams. One clan in particular, which is currently the top-ranked clan in Singapore, stacks in every match. They know they're overpowering the other team cuz they are all quite pro, and then people in the other team kept leaving. When the server isn't left with much people, the clan members themselves leave as well. Game-killers. I challenged them to shuffle a bit, and they shut me off. Geez, raping people in online games is fun, but give yourselves some challenge la, like scrim with your own clan when there's no other clan members to scrim with in that server.

Nowadays, I'm smarter la, usually playing with my best classes and trying to stay in the winning team, so as to pull up my low KPD. As of now, mine is 1.32. No choice la, as long as this game lacks that function, most people can't shake off the temptation to stack games. But still, sometimes, when winning the stacked team in their faces, the feeling is just awesome.

Also, this is one of the few online shooters which I've gotten to know some Pro Female Players. I've voice-chatted with some of them personally, and they're pretty friendly and non-xialan like some of the guys. They are also pretty popular, being a girl and all that. Occasionally I like becoming a Medic and giving them the support, even though in normal matches, I'm usually spear-heading the Team's attack, haha. =D

To sum this review up, whether you're a shooter fan or just loves strategised teamwork gameplay with tons of humor and style, this is a must-play. Just don't get as addicted as I am.

Score: 20/10

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Random Images

Screenshots
(My In-game Name is either ErniE or IntricationZ.)

We yelled "Chiong ah!"

And in another match, we got chiong-ed by Sasha & Friends.

A Crazy Defensive Front I was trying to Push.

Pwned by a Uber-ed Heavy.

Heavy backstabbed by Spy immediately after killing me.

Another one got headshot, and happens to be Sunny.

A Wacky & Hilarious Special Melee Match.

Funny non-Violent Match.
Enemy Engie dancing DDR.

We love Turtling when we can't go Offensive;

And then we love taunting to Enemies at Stalemates.

Sometimes, we also like taunting together to distractive Sprays.

A Funny Spray Warning for Spies.

One of my Usual Sentry Spots when I'm lazy to Attack.

Elmo from my ex-Clan, after giving me the Backstab.
Pyro behind him's gonna get him, lol.

Leading the Push with Demoman.

One of my Best Scores, using Heavy & Demo.

Mario Kart - A User-created Map
Contains lots of pictures of Game Characters, Anime & Other Pop-culture Stuff.
Gameplay-wise, this map is seriously imbalanced and flawed.
But it was the funky atmosphere that makes it worthwhile playing in there.

One of my Most Memorable Matches (CP-Well)
It was like the Perfect Sword vs. the Impenetrable Shield.
Sunny's the super-pro Heavy leading his Stacked Team's Push,
& I was the Demoman desperately helping my Team to defend as long as possible.
My Team couldn't win, but we managed to slow their offense long enough to make the Match a Stalemate. =D

Meet Mah Homie. xD

TF2 Cosplay
Halloween 2007
TF2 got so popular that some Game Developers use it as a costume theme, lol.
(Link)

TF2 Valentine's Artwork
These are some pretty creative and funny works from an Female Canadian Illustrator.
(Looks like TF2 is suitable for all occasions, heh.)
Article
Gallery

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny TF2 Videos

Ignis Solus
Machinima made for the Cutest Character in the game, whose dialogue in the game is muffled sounds.

The Pyro Song
This is a tribute to the hot guy.
(No, I refuse to believe that the Pyro is female, despite ppl saying so)

TEAM ROOMBA PRESENTS: Team Fortress 2 Griefing
A Story about a Clan of Griefers.
Definition of Griefing - Link
(Note: You don't have to play the game to understand the humour.
And also, these exploits/glitches shown are already patched by now. Nonetheless, damn funny.)

Saving Private Ryan, Team Fortress 2 Style
If only real world-wars are like that.

TF2: Sentry Turret Case Mod for PC
I so want this. =O

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My TF2 Stats

Not trying to show off, and not that I'm the most pro one around, but these are my current stats.

And recently, one of the players told me that I was actually ranked 2nd in Singapore for Spring of 2008, and I was also ranked 300+ in World Ranking, LOL.
So I went to check it out, and here is proof. ^_^
(Oh well, after CNY, my Rank actually dropped to 3rd T_T)

Do visit my Steam Community Profile - Link
Feel free to add me: futureshock!
I'm commonly known around as:
ΞяпιΞ (Ernie) or ιптяιсѧтюпж (IntricationZ)
I'm currently a Clanless Mercenary and I'm open to the highest bidder. (lol jk)

I usually play at Singapore/Malaysia E-Club servers, and when those are down, I hang around at Starhub's servers.
Here is my Stats page on E-Club - Link

Ok, Steam Community actually tracks records of every teeny-weeny details/achievements of every game you have, so its both a good and bad thing (you know why).
And those people in SIDM who play Steam games, please join this group which I created, thx. - Link

And I know, the amount of time I've spent on this game is ridiculous. XD
I've haven't touched it much since CNY, and I'm seriously intending to cut down bit by bit since my deferment's recently finally approved, and I ought to start planning what to do and stuff.

K THX BYE. =D
(period.)

"On a Valentine's Day"

2008-02-14T17:37:00.018+08:00

Happy Valentine's to all the lovebirds out there yo~

I came online today and saw this:

A lil' sad indeed lol.

I'm attributing this statistic to the hordes of squeaking pre-pubescent Ang Moh Halo Players & Xbots (Xbox360 Fanboys), who will never ever get a girlfriend. :P jk.
(Pardon me, as I am one of the people who find Halo seriously overrated, and also a loyal Sony Fanboy.)

Anyway, yesterday Teck told me that he's going to one of his DET friend's house to celebrate "Friendship Day" today along with that person's other friends and all that.
I asked to tag along lor, since I'm so darn free and kinda bored.
Budden I was feeling kinda giddy this morning, and plus the time I take to get my ass out of my home, I guess I'll give it a miss la.

Anyway, Ben's flying off to China for 2 months next Monday, industrial attachment.
I'm hoping to organise a get-together on this weekend. ^_^

Anyway checkit this nice song.

Linkin Park - Valentine's Day

My insides all turned to ash so slow
And blew away as I collapsed so cold
A black wind took them away from sight
And held the darkness over day that night
And the clouds above move closer looking so disatisfied
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I used to be my own protection but not now
Cuz my path has lost direction somehow
A black wind took you away from sight
And held the darkness over day that night
And the clouds above move closer looking so disatisfied
And the ground below grew colder as they put you down inside
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone and I was wrong
I never knew what it was like to be alone

On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
(I used to be my own protection but not now)
On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
(Cuz my mind has lost direction somehow)
On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
(I used to be my own protection but not now)
On a Valentine's Day, On a Valentine's Day
(Cuz my mind has lost direction somehow)

Aftermath.

2008-02-13T19:56:00.029+08:00

Yo peeps, I’m back after half a year.

I had originally planned to update some months back, but during then I feel too fked up to blog about anything except emo talk and rants, not that I don’t feel that now, but I’ve been dragging this post for quite some time for some issues to settle and some tornados to rest. I’ll try my best to make this issues of this post organised k.

DMD

Regarding this educational course of a desperate push to get us into the industry while we have wasted 10 years of education, I’m finally temporary free from it. I’ve successfully applied for deferment for this semester, which means my semester restarts itself in Oct this year. To spare the trouble of explaining, below is the letter I sent to the Director.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a student in Nanyang Polytechnic currently studying in School of Interactive and Digital Media, pursuing the diploma Digital Media Design. I am currently going through my Year 2 Semester 2 from September 2007 to March 2008.

I am writing this letter to request deferment of this semester, to start again in September 2008. The main reason I am doing so is that I think I need a break and some spacing to adapt back into the mindset of pursuing this course seriously. I am a patient of clinical depression, and I have been on medication for the past few years. Due to the heavy workload and expectations, I have found myself unable to cope anymore towards the end of last semester, both professionally and mentally. As a result, my results have dropped significantly as compared to the two semesters in Year 1. I didn’t manage to finish 2 assignments, resulting in only managing a grade D for 2 of my modules. I also didn’t manage to finish and pass my Studio Project 3. My GPA has also dropped, from the constant 3.6+ to 3.0.

I have taken my first 2 semesters in DMD very seriously, but the workload in Year 2 Semester 1 has almost taken away my passion in pursuing this diploma with both excellence and creativity I had hoped to achieve ever since the start of this journey. I think it is the best decision for me to apply for deferment right now, as I think that if I do continue to try to get over this semester, my results may continue to drop even if I somehow do pass. It is not that I do not understand the expectations from this industry, it is just that I really need the time to allow myself to re-adapt into the correct mindsets of a designer before I carry on the curriculum. This deferment would be able to grant myself more time for rest and for catching up with what I didn’t manage to learn and finish last semester. I also would take the long time given to polish up my portfolio, update my skill level and also learn new techniques, so as to prepare myself professionally for my career ahead. My parents have approved of my decision to apply for deferment as well.

Hopefully you have read my previous letter about me requesting a repeat for Year 2 Semester 1. I now do know that the school is not able to allow me to do that since I have already passed the semester, I am now hoping to apply for deferment for this current Semester (Year 2 Semester 2) Thanks for offering the route of dropping a few modules so as to reduce my load. However after much consideration, I think it’s the best choice for me to repeat this Semester instead, as to prevent any inconvenience about me going for further core modules or getting my scores/diploma. Please do consider giving me this second chance as I will do my best to make the most use of it. Sincere Thanks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there you go. I didn’t make that decision until roughly halfway thru the semester. Honestly till now, I don’t really know whether that was the wisest decision to make, but based on my own juggling and balancing, I think that is the better way out. First off, I have more time to catch up, do the things I like, get my life back (if I had any), possibly start to conquer my depression and OCD, and start on getting physical to prepare myself for the FPS game without WASD keys and Mouse.

Its more like taking a time-out, as I’m not giving up on this course. Deferment’s a risk I’m taking la, cuz I know I have the temptation to perhaps slip further back in if given so much free time, as some people have said so.

I admit, during this whole time, I’ve been pontenning, slacking and playing TF2, because the school took months to respond to my letter of deferment. I was left with days and nights of uncertainty of what exactly to do whilst trying to calm the nags and worries of my poor Mom… Plus TF2 is really a nice game ^_^ (more on that later).

Papa came over a few times to rant about how some of his 35-year-old friends are jobless and stay at home playing WOW or some other games, and then he starts comparing me to other normal teens having lives outside and being more independent. Jeez, not like I don’t know this side of me. How about I compare myself to someone whose family is understanding and communicate well, and the father is one who always gives genuine encouragement and advice instead of giving more attention to friends outside. I’ll show him that despite my long hours of gaming, I know what I’m doing and I’ll try my best to balance entertainment and work when I grow even older.

Safety @ Work

Ok now, I’ve only gone thru 2 modules this semester, Project Management because I liked the class atmosphere and just wanted to pass the test, and helping Samuel through with his Concept Development Pitch and SP4.

Regarding that, we are working on “Safety @ Work” lor, because our previous original concept involving a Neo Noir love story couldn’t make it. Safety @ Work is a annual local animation competition, and the first price is 5K. I’m only helping Sam out, as I don’t get any grades for this, to take this Studio Project as experience and portfolio work, and possibly for the Cash (lol).

The final presentation for the Concept Pitch was horrible, partly because of our lack of work shown and some other mistakes. But what I’m kinda pissed about is because of my module tutor. He went to bitch about some Logo timing mistakes which Sam & I knew nothing about. And when the other lecturers continued on to criticise our concept for some aspects, that idiot kept his mouth shut, when he was the one who suggested everything and saw through our concept development. Over the weeks, I could see he was supportive of our concept and worked on it with us, giving advice and shit. Sell-out fool.

Poor Sam, he’s scared he might even fail the Pitching module. Anyways, I just found out yesterday that he got re-shifted to another group, which means I have nothing else to do, nabeh la ZZZ. I’ve thought about maybe one-man-armying the project myself, since I have no SP4 deadline and the competition’s deadline is end of April. See how la, it works for portfolio material anyway.

Here is the youtube link to the concept - (Not Uploaded Yet, fool)

Mental/Emotional

My biggest mental crap nowadays would (still) be the darn OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I feel uncomfortable and to a certain extent ashamed just to talk about this, and thus only very few people knows. But right now I thought I may try to talk about it here.

This mental blockage has already caused much disruption in all the aspects of my life for quite a few years, and there’s a struggle in everyday life. Its like something inside your mind oppressing you to follow some time-consuming rituals that you know its unnecessary and kind of weird, but if you don’t follow that set of rules it sets for you, it feels you with anxiety and discomfort, disallowing you to concentrate well on the things you’re doing. All of these plus my already flawed attitude towards living, means a lot of disruption in aspects of my life. Things I would otherwise do without hesitation last time, I would drag and try to compile all of them to finish it in one shot, like a Boss fight in a game level. So my timetable and schedules and mindsets would all be compromised. Put that together with my DMD work, and you know why I feel relieved I got the deferment approved.

My “rules” have changed from time to time, and I’ve spent time thinking about how to successfully “latch” onto some attitudes I’ve adopted in the past, or wondered about how others would think and do in my situation. I have to juggle with 2 mindsets everyday, 1 for the comfort zone and 1 for “survival” in the outside, and its tiring, especially during the phase changes.

I need a jolt, a strong jolt to push me out of this, and when I do, there’s no looking back. There have been times where I’ve been somewhat “out of the hole”, its just that I need the courage and more determination. I hate my shitty mind.

I still can’t shake off the thought of I shouldn’t be here, I need a restart round button to suit my perfectionist mind. I so feel like a lousy person.

Pardon all of the self-pity above, it’s a way I ventilate and reflect upon stuff.

Happenings

My Daddy Bdae. (My hair was about 6 months old lol)

4E5 BBQ

Yea, so there was this BBQ last Dec. Most of the boys and some of the girls turned up, and those who usually won't turn up still didn't. Anyway, it was nice to see and catch up with old classmates again. Them boys still hang with each other after so long, and those silly Lame Jokes still fly around everywhere. Only in 4E5. I do miss that "Nice Try" atmosphere back in those days. ^_^

Christmas

I finally met up with my pals after the long school term, we went to watch some movie which I don’t even remember, and after that we decided to get to the top of some tall tower building in Singapore for the view. And on our way to the building, we went places, longcuts and shortcuts. We even went hiking in Fort Canning for a while. Don’t ask me why we’re there on Christmas, we don’t know either, lol. We eventually settled on some new pizza restaurant in Raffles Place.

Anyway, no church on Christmas this year. No connection to anyone there anymore. I feel like going, but eventually nope. Sam did ask me to go to his church’s Christmas party (again), to see him cosplay, lol. Too far away la dude.

Mr. Arthur Lim, my BB teacher, who was the one who intro us to Christ and my church, did call me some time back and asked about my spiritual life and have I been attending other church and stuff, which I replied no. Hmm… I need time la. God help this carnal believer & his screwed-up spiritual life.

CNY

This year’s reunion dinner is held at my tiny cosy crib. And for the 1^st time in months, I’m tidying stuff and shifting the huge deck of DMD stuff and animation paper to my Sis’s room. This year, regrettably, I couldn’t really make it to the other reunion dinner I’m supposed to attend every year. Cuz got guests in my house mah, I abit “zhou bu kai”. Isketch is fun, haha =)

1^st day was kinda better than any of those last time imo. Had some tries at Wii at my relative’s place. Damn, no wonder it’s the console war winner, cuz its definitely family-friendly material, non-controversial stuff and all that. I almost bought one myself from Syafiq who wanted to sell me at special price $480 with 3 games. But you know, the Sony fanboy I am, eventually shook off the temptation and continues to wait for the Third Coming, hahaha.

Then that afternoon went to my maternal Granny’s hse, and it’s the same overcrowded place as usual. My cousin and I made a promise to my Granny that we’ll get them old couple a bigger house in the future, lol. Anyway every year all of us cousins crowd on their bed, and I made a jokingly remark, that this is a regular custom that descendants need to visit their “source of life” every year, =S lol.

Later that day, hanged around with some of my paternal cousins at Starbucks CPP. Was rather nice, though honestly a bit overwhelming due to a sudden change of the usual atmosphere. But I had fun. ^_^

That night was one of the rare ones I really couldn’t sleep. Thought a lot. And that’s when I decided it was time to update my blog, lol. But, to kill off the late-night blues, I played games till morning, Isketch & TF2, =\

And then during the 2^nd day, I went out later than my family did, to meet them at a relative’s place in Sembawang. Damn neighbourhood which looks creepily like Sengkang, had blocks numbers that jumble up. I ended up strolling around an entire neighbourhood searching for the block in vain, then I realised I was in a totally wrong area. I reached 1 hour plus later. All that plus I didn’t sleep the previous day, lol.

3^rd Day went some rich relative’s friend’s bungalow condo. Did nothing much except buffet, and watch 881, not bad la quite nice.

4^th day, went to Marchand’s hse along with Ben & LX in the morning to bai nian. Ben left earlier for his fren's hse, and we were supposed to catch either CJ7 or Ah Long at PS, but Sunday cinema is too unwelcoming. Watched LX play drum-mania like a pro at the arcade, and watched Teck got pwned by his ambitious attempt at it. We ended up playing pool back in Hougang Plaza later that day. Dinner was home-cooked buffet back at Teck’s place, and one of those rare occasions we could hang around in his house at that hour. Happy times, is nice.

On The Horizon

And thus end the short holiday, and start of SP4. And as I said, just found out yesterday that Sam got re-shifted to another group, I’m kinda lost at what to do now. I’ll start to seriously plan and execute whatever I had planned to do lor. Just hoping that the solitude won’t turn to loneliness. I’m trying not to stay at home too much too.

Meanwhile, I have already in mind of what to start planning about during my deferment holiday. I would like to work on my own original concept when its officially my turn at the module again, instead of doing “Safety @ Work”. There’s lots of stuff to catch up, refurbish old works, learn new ones, and start planning on what concepts to work on. I don’t want to be too ambitious, but I want to make sure everything goes ok and easier when I return to school, after all, I roughly know what to expect. =)

What’s done is done lor. Only way is to make good use of it.

Sorry for the long read. =] I think I’ll be able to update more often, hopefully with less emo content lor. Anyway I’ve got all the time to emo, no projects! Take that Teck, lol.

& PS. My Friendster (Link) is updated with photos and stuff, go spam comments and popularise it! =)

Adiós.

That day, you came in and allowed me a glimpse of the colours in your life.
You’re the other side of the world I so wanna enter.
I think I've never known the meaning of amazing, until I can see you again.

Intermission.

2007-10-07T17:54:00.000+08:00

Yo, I finally bother to update, after dragging so much.
Four months since my last entry, haha.

Academics bah, to summarise everything together, this semester is the most shitty one. I’ve done a lot of wrong, did a lot of scheming, spent a lot of money on MCs, and in the end, it ended with a whimper, hardly anything resolved. Right now, even as I’m nearing the end of my holidays, I’m still rather confused about my Academic route. What went wrong with my attitude? Was I supposed to go for the Games Design route instead of the Animation one? Argh, after so long, I’ve decided not to think so much le, to take one step at a time. See how bah.

My GPA, haha, dropped from 3.6+ to 3. No As, 2 tyco Ds because of incomplete assignments. And repeating my Studio Project 3. =P

Still a lot of load unresolved in my mind nowadays actually, but this holidays, in my opinion, was my most fulfilling one yet. First off, no ruined important dates like 18th birthdays due to Studio Projects, secondly, no overwhelming wave of emptiness during the start of holidays, and lastly, I’ve managed to keep the inevitable holiday blues away by appreciating the ample time given to do the things I like when I’m alone, and also keeping in contact and hanging out with my buddies~. On the surface, this is like any holidays I’ve been thru, but inside me, maybe I’ve learnt to be more optimistic despite much more shitty academic circumstances?

Ended my studio project (despite I requested a repeat) later than others, and the start of the holidays feels more weird than empty. For the 1st four weeks, I was back in my nocturnal lifestyle, learning how to entertain myself and keep myself busy and interested. Playing games like Savage & God of War, watching movies, and enjoying the catching of TV shows more than ever. And also, nowadays, I’ve finally overcome (despite many failures thru many days) and reversed my bio-clock. Was intending to catch up on my incomplete assignments and planning how to take the repeat project, but was too caught out in the ignorant bliss all these while, haha. One week left to school reopen, brrr.

And there’s the stupid insensitive lecture I’ve received from my lousy always afk bio-father on the phone who only bothers to show support when he realises my academics are drowning. There were long unresolved things taking more turmoil in my mind than my academics, and that’s why I’ve let it go a bit. I wish he’d not interfere while I’m cleaning this slate, he’ll bring more trouble than help, like all of the previous times. Sometimes I wonder if all my respect for him when I was younger was all out of fear or not. That dude’s coming sometime in these week, to try to impose some of the important “designer attitudes” in me. Whatever. Work is currently bad mood upon my suppressed bad mood in me.

Anyhow, here are some of the photos of the highlights(?) of my holidays.

Went to XMS’s Xinfony’07 with my clique sometime before end of studio project. Lots of strangers around, but still quite a few familiar faces from my graduating batch. Was surprised to see the current graduates, because in my last impression, they were still in Sec 1 or 2? The year plus in DMD has made me lost track of time. And lol, singing the XMS School Song. Nostalgic. Memories. Adds another reflection upon my current life in Poly.

Visited Games Convention Asia during holidays with Marchand and Ben. Was meh kind of nice. Tried out some games with the sixaxis, and was my second time spectating live LAN competitions.

And my 1st time seeing boothbabes! Hoo. Despite not as colourful as those in Japan or US conventions, it was kind of refreshing(?) after walking around in the male-dominated booths. And funny how guys all crowd around to take photos like they’re some kind of supermodels, although I’m one of them! lol.

Haha, and then there was my Grandpa’s birthday dinner. Yea finally going to a family outing. To think back, I’ve only been to the CNY’s, my Grandma’s birthday dinner, and my Grandpa’s bdae dinner all year. I used to go to regular family outings every Sunday when I was younger. During my time in DMD, it’s always been Sundays at home, no outings, not even church, =|. Anyway, its glad that somehow, I still am made to feel like I fit in, cuz once I open up, my great mother-side family is still there to welcome me, =D. Make me realise that I’ve been blind and unappreciative of the things I have that money can’t buy. I should have felt rich instead of emo.

Cousins (except my Aunty at the extreme right lol)

My 2 Cute Young Cousins

Me and my dear Grandma.

My Family

My Mother-side Family

Ahh, back to now, its one week before the start of term (and 2 days before the stupid DMD briefing intended to break the atmosphere). After the DMD briefing, maybe I’ll try to catch up on one of my incomplete assignments, cuz I have no idea whatsoever how to do the other one. Hope can get some tips.

Right now, I’m trying to make the best out of my remaining time. Kept going to friends’ hse the last few days to slack and play. Went Vivo for 1st time to catch RE Extinction yesterday afternoon, the surround sound was deafening. Too bad, Ben has to attend to family meetings on Sat evenings, and Teck on Sundays, so today I’ve slept the most I could. Sibei Song.

Funny stuff seen recently.

GTA SA Anime Mod (Still looking for it online) Part 1 of 2

GTA SA Anime Mod Part 2 of 2 (05:45 onwards is priceless)

Japanese Toilet Training Cartoon ("Sentient Poop" lol)

Angry German Kid vs Japanese Toilet Training Cartoon

Japanese Public Toilet Training Video (Funny subs)

C’est la vie~ Till next time..

It won't be over soon.

2007-07-01T00:58:00.000+08:00

Long delayed entry.
I don’t know how to do this 4-week-long entry, but a lot’s been going on in my mind lately that made me feel more awake & clear, but at the same time I feel like I’m slipping back into my former self and just diving into escapism once more.

It ended with the last dash of the term with seemingly everything settled, except for some setbacks like my drawing grades which I wasn’t very happy about what I was given, and then by Friday I finished up my 2d animation nicely.

Then went into the holidays, originally had plans to split out my work and rest/play time evenly so that I can go easier in the later weeks, but for 1st few days, inevitably, I just slacked, play, movie/pool outings till Friday, which I intended to end my enjoyment period by having a little pizza hut & game party at Teck’s place. Teck & Ben’s been rather busy thru the holidays, apparently I’m the only one who had the luxury & chance to let go.

At one point I was starting to just feel that all my motivations for rushing & finishing up my work well for most of the time were destructive. My real motivations for working hard were to suite my academic conscience and try to get the best grades. And in the end all I put on myself was the worries before I sleep, the constant planning of what to do the next day and so on. And during the holidays when the mood for slacking is high, and by then my parents got me a new & good desktop replacement laptop (which I had anticipated for a few days), and then I started giving myself reasons to slack and just do what I really want.

I got tired for working blindly for a future that doesn’t exist yet.

I kept telling myself that I have not given up on my academics, just throwing away the destructive motivations for the time being, and start looking for new ones that are more meaningful & longer-lasting and will also allow my life to be able to contain more areas for a balanced lifestyle.

And what do I know, till now, I have not found any. & the extremities of my life showed up again. At one point I am always worried about deadlines and doing the best I can, and I felt really guilty for buying a fake MC when I really couldn’t juggle, and then nowadays I just take my time and enjoy my pace, and don’t even feel guilt for buying a few MCs. I just thought the $8 was worth it for taking a day’s off and allowing more time & less rushes.

Somehow I thought I am slowly retrieving my real self back, but also taking back the negative elements as well.

And I think Ecclesiastes 2:10-11 hits the spot.

“I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labour.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done,
And what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.”

I’m not saying that the Bible is encouraging me to slack, no. But as I begin to start to think & feel the meaninglessness of the things around me again, I am tempted to slip and I’ve been lately making choices to give in.

And till now, I’ve still been taking my own sweet time and allowing myself to sleep for as long as I need (not that weird dreams still don’t haunt me every single night). And work and owed work (something that didn’t exist before this semester) is piling up, and at one side, I want to put my best at it, and on the other side, I don’t want the excess worries and stress resulting from my motivations to come in.

And to those that are still working hard, jiayou.
Don’t envy what holiday rotters can do, sometimes it’s the other way round.

I just need a whole new motivation, a brand new type of brand new start.

Because I know, it won’t be over soon.
Therefore, the types of motivations & perseverance I know won’t last me that long.
Its results are already showing.

Entertainment update.
During this break, I have watched a few good movies, played a few games. =D

Pirates 3 was nice overall, but I don’t think it would be that memorable in my database (One reason is that they gave the Singaporean pirate a lame story, and an even lamer ending for him to serve as a plot device.)

Shrek 3 was the same old funny & creative as before, and there was something to learn from it as well. But I still think the 2nd one was the best in the trilogy. Another “Empire Strikes Back” example which happens in most good trilogies nowadays.

One movie that left a memorable impression was Der Untergang (Downfall), a 2004 German movie depicting the final days of Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany in 1945.
I became interested in the movie after I watched a rather amusing clip of it at youtube with fake subtitles, depicting a scene where Hitler got banned from Xbox Live (Embedded clip below). But the humour aside, this flick in my opinion, is one of the most gripping war movies, withOUT the usual battlefield effects and tension.

The entire film is set almost entirely in Hitler’s bunker when the Soviets are closing in on Berlin. And the entire long drama plays out, with the audience really feeling that they are in that place. You really can feel why the people there were charmed and religiously followed Hitler’s ideals, and treated him like a supreme being, being willing to go down with such a crazy man when his ideals cannot make it. The movie rejects the usual stereotype of indulging the audience in the America’s perspective during the way and treating Hitler as the Anti-Christ who should be shot with no mercy. But on the other hand, the film is not saying that Hitler wasn’t guilty for the bad things he did, they just basically portrayed the film from the German’s perspective, showcasing them as the normal human beings they are, and how each of them were feeling when the sky was seemingly falling down, and they are stuck in the boring little gray underground bunker. You can see why something so crazy in the world’s opinions, can seem to be the only virtuous way in the atmosphere of the bunker.

Other than one inaccurate character portrayal (not Hitler definitely, the performance of him is haunting), and the edited ending which showed that the main female character escaped unharmed to let the film end less disturbing (the main focus is Hitler & not the secretary getting raped by all the soviets and end up a sex slave for a soviet officer for half a year), this war movie has all that it takes to be worth watching, if you’re interested in war/history films, even if you’re bad at the history subject like me.

Hungrily awaiting my chance to watch Transformers. Was planning to watch with the SIDM outing, but didn’t go to school for a few days, so..
Hope I can get the usual few to watch with me.
MECH PORN FTW~ =D

Well, I completed God of War II as well. Very nice overall of course, one of the nicest graphics on the aging PS2, strong orchestra soundtrack, passable and slightly more convoluted plot, this kind of game needs no personal review, just read the reviews everywhere else. The only flaw in my opinion was the final boss, I as well as many thought it wasn’t as challenging and creative as the 1st game’s, and then there was the expected cliffhanger, another “Empire Strikes Back” example. Other than that, it’s definitely a “Swan song” piece for the PS2, and leaves you anticipating the inevitable finale on the PS3.

Meanwhile, I’ve replayed Peter Jackson’s King Kong, this time on the PC, with sharper graphics and mouse-aiming. It’s still a very atmospheric and cool, though short game.
I’m almost completing Rainbow Six Vegas as well, this game is really nice. A tactical shooter that makes you feel like a real-life elite commando without the lame masterchief shield armour and the F.E.A.R. slow-mo.

Well, a few weeks ago, while I was taking it easy on one of the Saturdays, I suddenly craved Power Rangers action. Don’t ask me why, I suddenly just went to watch a lot of it, downloaded the movies, and watched a few best episodes on youtube, while putting all the childlike cheesiness aside. Nostalgia crisis? But I began to think what was going on in the developers’ minds, how do they exactly deliver a fantasy story that involved adults, yet it can still cater to children as the audience? Haha.

Anyway, this below is a parody of Power Rangers. This time all of them are talking in Gangsta, so expect expletives all over the place. But amusing nonetheless.

Now this is the Hitler clip that I was talking about above. Its better that you don’t know German, and you haven’t watched the film yet when you watch this clip. Otherwise, it may not be funny.

Finally, a recent youtube upload that was titled, “Mac or PC Rap”. I have not much words to say about it except that its hilarious, creative, & brilliant. Just watch.

K, till the next time I feel really shitted and need to blog as a means of mental self-preservation to let go and move on.
Cya.

Below is the lyrics of “No Roads Left”, a B-side of Minutes to Midnight by Linkin Park. (Playing on the playlist right now) This is another one of the songs with lyrics that were direct and able to strike an emotional chord with me. Meanwhile, I’m still listening to the album, I guess it grows on me. At different periods of time when you listen to it, you will kinda like and favour different tracks more. But till now, “Leave Out All The Rest” is still the best track on the record, its strong, direct, and beautifully honest.

No Roads Left – Linkin Park

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind
Why am I searching for perfection
Knowing it's something I won't find

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
'Til the silence splits me open
I run
'Til it puts me underground
'Til I have no breath
and no roads left but one

When did I lose my sense of purpose
Can I regain what's lost inside
Why do I feel like I deserve this
Why does my pain look like my pride
Ohhh

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I let myself down

In my fear and flaws
I run

'Til the silence splits me open
I run
'Til it puts me underground
'Til I have no breath
and no roads left but one

No roads left but one

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
and the silence splits me open
I run
and it puts me underground

But there's no regret
and no roads left to run

"In Living Colour", "Robot Chicken" Season 2

2007-05-31T20:00:00.000+08:00

Feeling good after 2 nights of sufficient sleep, haha. But didn’t do much, just finalizing and touching up my 2D animation background. Tmr I really hope I can settle everything in school, without much problems, though we’re only limited to a four-hour usage.

And then weekends really must pia le. Maybe Vesak Day was deliberately placed on this day to give me ample rest before I rush again.

Haha, been watching some funny stuff on youtube again.
Watching “In Living Colour”, an American comedy sketch series in the 90s, and clips from “Robot Chicken Season 2.

“In Living Colour” has actors like Jim Carrey & Damon Waynes acting as funny characters, some which appear in more than a few episodes, and the humour of the show is targeted more towards Americans.

“Workout”
This is so gay, but damn funny.

“Juicemania”

“Black or white” (MJ’s parody)

“Fire Marshall Bill Debut”

“Homey D. Clown Debut”

“Reverend”
The funniest one imo. It makes fun of hypocrisy of American churches which use religion to earn money, and also televangelists. Must-watch.

Still got many other episodes starring Fire Marshall Bill & Homey D. Clown.
Well, Robot Chicken’s humour are targeted more towards the nerdier side of society, but some are still very creative and funny.

“Grand Theft Mario”

“Looney Toons 8 Mile”

“DragonBall”

“Bush vs. Star Wars”

“What happened after the Death Star blew up”

“The Empire Strikes Back”

“Jesus & The Argonauts” (Sense of humour needed.)

“Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Ok, enough youtube spamming. Bye bye.

But He did promise..

2007-05-30T15:19:00.000+08:00

It's a new day. Finally forced myself to have a good rest without worrying.
I've decided to put in my best and ignore the rest.
I just hope reality doesn't demand even more of me after that.
And I hope I won't too.

I find this a good sermon:
God honours our choice for heaven or hell.

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

Thanks for the reminder. =)
Keep me weak but content for the things I cannot be strong at, but strong at the things I can be.

God didn't promise days without sh*t.

2007-05-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

Just another week left before term break.
And it happens to be the worst and final wave of work to be done before a teeny weenie rest.

Of all days, Buddha's Birthday calls for a holiday, when I can't find a darn Toonz key. Have to rush 2D assignment in school because I don’t have the program at home, and because this Thursday the school is closed.
A huge wave of drawings, and V-art sprite animation to be done in the lonely weekends.
And then try to memorize some Jap sentences and behaviors for the oral test.
And try to catch up with my 3d modeling and animation.

Not feeling good la.
Work stress, amidst some other stuff, emotional, spiritual.

Well an old friend of mine listened to my wave of sensible rants, although I honestly don’t find his advice very comforting, as I gave quite a few rebuttals, lol. But I feel much better somehow. Just needed someone to be there to listen.

Anyway he was recently quite ill and I only knew when he told me. Thank God he's well now eh.
Oh well, it’s been quite long since I had good chats with people. Everyone’s busy, and so am I, and I’m finding it hard to juggle everything.

Its ok, I’ve become used to the fact that the people who love me, don’t know me.
And I happen to love the people and things I don’t really know.
And the One who knows me the most, I find it the hardest to love.

If you didn't know, during the shittiest period of my life a few years back, when I needed the things I need the most, all I received was sacarsm and harsh unsensitive lectures from a wide range of family members who tried to "work something out with me".
Then there's the oscurity between me and the best classmates in my school life.
The reason why I made it till today, and why am I still here, and where and how am I exactly to go, remains a issue I don't know much about.

God had sent me some help which were there to pull me through till the state I am today, and I am real glad.
I just still happen to have nothing much well to get along well with the people of the church I have not been to in a long long time.
After all, the "practical Jesus'es" in my life happen not to be Christians.
And I see Pentecostals spamming empty words in their msn nicks everyday, jumping and singing feeling high on Sundays, then giving other people bullsh*t on Mondays.
Because sometimes Christians can be the most insensitive creatures on earth, including myself of course.
Just watch Borat the movie, the part where he's getting "converted".

And I am commanded to love His people. I'll try la, ok?

I have grown so used to try to ignore/solve the negative things in my life, and I find the positive things fogged.
I was never the independent kind, just the one forced to be, dragging myself along.
I wished I can dig out more courage out of myself/my faith, but somehow I was to go the hard way to learn independence, by learning it independently.

Stop trying to tell me there is a sun and some stars in my life, and I have overlooked them.
When all I see is dark clouds occupying the in-between distance.
It’s not like I don’t know or am not appreciative of the existence of the sun and the stars.
It’s just very hard to get peace and contentment, just by knowing the existence of something good.

Ok shan’t spend more time on this, I still have to do my work. If my end product can be finished well enough, at least I have something to idolize (again) in the emptiness after every work-rush period.

Thanks for reading, and bearing the negativity I had to express through the post.

here's lyrics of a nice mandarin song:

大雨 - 动力火车

说真的我不是故意
看见你和他在街头伫立
我在犹豫该不该逃避
还是让你看见我在这里

天空间飘来的雨
从眼里滑落到心里
我在怀疑该不该躲你
该不该躲这场雨

大雨就要开始不停的下
我的心我的心已经完全的没有主张
带我到没有爱情的地方哦

大雨就要开始不停的下
我的心我的心已经完全的失去方向
带我到没有爱情的地方

说真的真的我不是故意
看见你和他在街头伫立
我在犹豫该不该逃避
还是让你看见我在这里

天空间飘来的雨
从眼里滑落到心里
我在怀疑该不该躲你
该不该躲这场雨

大雨就要开始不停的下
我的心我的心已经完全的没有主张
带我到没有爱情的地方哦

大雨就要开始不停的下
我的心我的心已经完全的失去方向
带我到没有爱情的地方

Just a pentium 4 computer.

2007-05-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

It has been a long busy week.
Much work have been wrestled with and done, but still a lot remain.
It’s another weekend, another one going to be packed with work. But I heck, I’ll go watch Pirates 3 with friends tomorrow.
Sick of this no-life life.

Losing up with school lessons as well, uncontrollably falling asleep sometimes, while trying to understand what the hell 3D modelling & animation is teaching.

So many problems left undone.

I feel like a Pentium 4 computer in this age.
Though I can work, I am not close to the latest technology.
Though I can try my best, much of me can still break apart without outer patches or updates.
And also, no matter how much I can give, I am just a Pentium 4 in this age of Core 2 Duos.
I am not in the list of consumer favorites, not in the minimum requirements of a good modern computer.
And even if all these doesn't matter, I don't have a good graphics card, an easy target of random street criticism to pull my performance down even further.
and through it all, I am advised not to play high-end "games".

Sometimes, I just wished I can change myself into a whole new computer.
But I’m stuck with myself.
How will I survive this trip, if I move on trying to patch myself up bit by bit, only to be considered as just a laggy Pentium 4 computer in this age after all?

I’m tired of asking why things happen. I’m asking what to do when they do.
Maybe I just need love. Attention.

Who’s kind enough to give that to me?
I’m not the one I am, and I am the one I am not.

Somehow in this world, the more you express your emptiness, the harder it is to get filled.

I just read and find the following 2 articles helpful to me.
Do not be knocked out by adversity or suffering.
A fine line between hurt and bitterness.

I pray that God will change my heart. Convict me to take away the stone (John 11:39 ) Help me be a wiser and happier person in the midst of all this.

I seek not the delusionised contentment in discontentment anymore, but contentment from reliable sources.

New Online Portfolio

2007-05-22T19:59:00.000+08:00

Check it out. Spend 2 sleepless nights in ONE go to do this 3mb piece of shit.
I kinda feel nice to have a site like that, but all that fustrations at html wasn't worth it even for this. I re-sliced my layout twice, walked so close to completion TWICE, then met up with some fucked up error, or some petty error issue between IE and Firefox.

If you didn't know what I have been doing in Poly, now is a good chance.
Intricationz-Portfolio

grey.

2007-05-21T12:59:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here.
Trying to be all that I can, but I don’t know what kind of “all” I am to be.
Trying my best at work, committing priorities and hours, but don’t really know what is it really for.
Trying to change myself into a better person, yet I get the same shit from myself and some people everyday.
Hoping for serenity to accept the things I cannot change, but I kept accepting those wrong choices with passivity.
Wanting courage to change the things I can, but I always find myself immersed in escapism.
Needing wisdom to know the difference between freewill and fate, but somehow I’m always confused.

Somehow, there’s always a thought that my journey should have ended some time ago.
Somehow, I’m still here,
Dragging myself along.
Somehow, God wanted me to stay. I feel like my commander just dropped me onto Omaha Beach to fight it out for my own.
Maybe I couldn’t have even made it to the beach, but I did.
Deep inside, I wish it would all end there, but deeper in, I wanted to move on.

Work. Another weekend passed like that, web design, v-art, 2d animation, and drawing, 20% done. I only let myself go a little last weekend, but time is always ahead of me.
I do like Visual Art for Games Design, but somehow I think I shouldn’t have taken that core module as an elective for myself. Adds to the load.
Today, I’ve skipped 2d animation class, just to come home to rush v-art. I’ve already pia it through whole of last night, but still a lot left to be done.
And there’s the 3d Modeling face I have not tried modeling, Hiragana Test I have yet to revise, and Web Design due on Thursday.
Grades, or my sanity?

Maybe I'm under the delusion that I can have everything.

And then I saw something I hoped I didn’t have to see.
Maybe I’ve been naïve all along.
Maybe I’ve been making a fuss out of nothing.
Maybe I should just accept it.
Maybe I should laugh at myself, but try not to beat myself over it.

I can’t. I do.
But I don’t know what to do.

And in the meantime, let me rant:
DMD is one MOTHERFUCKING JIBYE hell of a course to tempt us into becoming lifeless fucked-up lonely unhealthy freaks.
Jibye fucking course so much modules, so much work, so fucked.
My parents didn’t pay the enormous school fees for me to embrace this shit.
Chemistry was shitty, yes. But too much art can fuck one up.
filthy words, no excuse.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
_|_

Saturday Night Chillness.

2007-05-20T03:33:00.000+08:00

Lol. A Saturday totally spent on figuring out how to slice images, optimize them for web, and code them. It ain’t easy. I was almost there, but an unexpected problem showed up. I asked a few friends, but there doesn’t seem to be a solution for it. Oh well, 1 step forward and 2 steps back, despite my careful planning to get this over with. Web design module is alright, only for the designing part, not for the loads of words & codes. Guess I have to spend the Sunday rushing my VART Vector Character 1st, which has to be handed in on Tuesday.

Sianz. Someone told me that Poly friends are hard to be close friends. Yea I guess, its just the way it is, ain’t it. Especially in DMD, where academics are not just academics, but they need to be our passion and life if we are to do it well. No life. Haha. Can only try to somehow enjoy the workfun to overlook the workload, but somehow its always the opposite for me. -.-

Hope work can go smoother for me tomorrow.
Today not very on-form.

HTML – ARGH.

And thus reminds me of the periodic table. Haha haix.

Hope my sleep later will not have any dreams. Somehow, I’ll dream a lot if I get to sleep longer. I need the rest, mind. My dreams are still about game-fantasy settings, and me being a part of it, or just some weird social happening in my real life that somehow, in the context of the dream, seemed normal. Its hard to explain. Its been kinda like that since young. Some dreams better not come true.

Been listening to Linkin Park and modern rock once more. My ears are getting more training le.
But somehow, dunno why suddenly felt like dling some Deng Li Jun songs (Teresa Teng) from Baidu, after I saw a youtube vid in LaoZhaBor.blogspot.com
And man, now I know why my Dad loved her songs, and so does many many people who know mandarin. Her voice is really nice, I’m somehow mesmerized le.
Budden I still think people made a huge deal on her death. 1 death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic. Haha. In the meantime, I’m hunting for more of her songs. =)
People think that I'm not the kind that listen to pop, oldies or classical. They say I would just portray a weird impression if I really do.
Lol, I listen to whatever sounds nice and I like, and if it suits the mood, any genre of song can be compelling to me. I'm not the kind that listen to the same few artistes over and over again for months. I do so only sometimes when there is new stuff or when its time to reminisce.

K la nothing much to say le. Just thinking about finishing the work.

I’ve realized, sometimes being too focused about something may actually make you lose balance.
And I’ve realized, some independence are best learnt by dependence 1st.

I do care, if you didn’t know. I just don’t exactly know how to show it.
Because most of the people in my life that actually cares for me, doesn’t know how either.

and thanks to everyone that care to visit this blog often or occasionally. =)

Youtube compilation 2 - Hokkien & Singlish

2007-05-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

Was surfing around youtube and found some interesting & funny youtube vids that feature Hokkien or some local culture.

Haha someone actually did the “Wa si lin lao pei” thing that I thought of last time.

Fast & Furious Hokkien Drift

Cool Pai Kia Song

My dream camera

Cool Nokia Commercial

HouGANG – The Movie Teaser Trailer
Looks cool, after sharing around, then I realized from Syafiq that the director of this movie is actually the Bruce from XMS. Too bad the movie not allowed to be screened, I hope I can get a copy from the production team. Haha.

"Singapore Dreaming" A local movie coming soon, trailer was banned to air as it has too much dialect & singlish. I want to see it, looks like our version of the "American Dream"?

Malaysian Idol Michael Jackson Billie Jean (WATCH)

Lastly, the 2 infamous sound clips in sg, the gangster disturb the Bangladeshi, and the RK house thing. (no means to promote any racism or hate, do listen with a sense of humor.)

anyway, check this blog out.
hehe, i wished my granny is as hip and lively as this lady.
reading it does make me feel a bit guilty as an emo teenager =X
http://laozhabor.blogspot.com

I hope u like~ Dzienkuje.

Bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away.

2007-05-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

And then I realized again, sleep wasn’t really what I need.
What I need is rest.
I wished my mind can relax more and not think so much.
Dreams going on every night, my mind runs, but I can’t wake up.
At nights, I try to shut down, but the more I relax, the harder I find it to slp.

How ironic, the 1st test I’m probably flunking since I left sec sch, involves a periodic table (that kind of stuff haunts you doesn’t it). Web design test la, I overslept today so didn’t do any revision. 3 hours in the lab fumbling around.

I feel like I’m losing myself slowly already. The thought of a packed lifeless homework weekend loomed over my head like a shadow, while I drag myself slowly along, then comes another cycle. Falling asleep in classes and finding myself lagging behind the flow, just like in sec school. Maybe I’m just really tired.

So much work, but finding it hard to start, especially with isolation looming around.

What I want in life is serenity, strength & wisdom.
But reality never fail to tempt me with isolation, pride, vanity, tyranny, lust, jealousy, sloth, gluttony etc.
And some of the times, I give in.

Just ranting.

I need to be stronger.

sianz.
after the entire ordeal with the plutotech problem, my comp is officially returned to the company with only a loss of $150, cuz my parents threatened to sue them.
well its good la, at least no more worries that expensive equipment may break down anytime soon. but still feels a bit of loss since i really like using a high-end computer. guess I have to rely on my trusty dell again, after so long and some problems, my dell took the most beating out of my usage, and still going ok. =)

went to buy a new 320GB HDD with external casing & fan, for $157.
was supposed to use that to transfer out important data from my new comp.
and i didn't exactly know how to format a raw HDD.
followed the given instructions but i right-clicked at the wrong place.
Dad fetched me after toons tutorial today just to bring me all the way there to exchange, and then he realised he parked his car at Sim Lim Tower, not Square. =\
the shops were already closing, but my dad budged in and demanded help from them. lolx, then realised, the HDD was ok.
..... well theres more space for me to put my digital stuff then.

Bleed it out – Linkin Park

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time,
Hand grenade pins in every line,
Throw ‘em up and let something shine.
Going out of my fucking mind.
Filthy mouth, no excuse.
Find a new place to hang this noose.
String me up from atop these roofs.
Knot it tight so I won’t get loose.
Truth is you can stop and stare,
Run myself out and no one cares.
Dug a trench out, laid down there
With a shovel up out to reach somewhere.
Yea someone pour it in,
Make it a dirt dance floor again.
Say your prayers and stomp it out,
When they bring that chorus in.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away.
I bleed it out.
Go, stop the show.
Chop your words in a sloppy flow.
Shotgun I pump, lock and load,
Cock it back and then watch it go.
Mama help me, I’ve been cursed,
Death is rolling in every verse.
Candy paint on his brand new hearse.
Can’t contain him, he knows he works.
I hope this hurts, I won’t mind.
Doesn’t matter how hard I try.
Half the words don’t mean a thing,
And I know that I won’t be satisfied.
So why, try ignoring him.
Make your dirt dance floor again.
Say your prayers and stomp it out,
When they bring that chorus in.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away.
I bleed it out.
I’ve opened up these scars,
I’ll make you face this.
I pulled myself so far,
I’ll make you face this now.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away. (2x)
I bleed it out. (3x)
---

Going to youtube to watch some stuff before starting the heavy weekends. guess its a bit of procrastinating tonight, i really dun wanna start on anything, period. =\

Reviews. Piles of work.

2007-05-16T15:17:00.000+08:00

I don’t usually do reviews, so forgive me if its not very professional. But its an honest interpretation of how I feel. =\

Spider-man 3 Movie Review (May contain Spoilers)

Ok, some call this movie lousy, but some call it the best of the trilogy.
In my opinion, it contains both the best and worst elements, but most of the time, its rather good as a sequel.
I didn’t go to watch the movie with much hype, and I didn’t really expect much, but this one still exceeded my expectations.
Let me start off with the superficial, but still rather important.
The visual effects were amazing, no doubt. The part where Sandman is formed is a bit mind-blowing, and the super giant sandman is the most realistic gigantic monster thing I’ve watched in years. I don’t want to say more, just watch the movie, and go “OHFGOSH HOLLY SIT” if you are a 3d artist.

The plot is rather predictable, since the trailer already showed the overall story. But it was the overall presentation and package of the movie that saved it. The plot had a bit of holes here and there, but still, most elements blend in nicely.
"Despite the enormous amount of characters, action and sci-fi superhero plot going on in this film, Spider-Man 3 never feels weighted down, tedious or boring." I agree with that statement.

There are some things that don’t really make sense, like Spidey becoming almost invincible after all the crashes and bangs, and still could swing like a monkey, when in Spidey1 he bleeds after a few punches from the green goblin.

The humour in this movie stands out most among the movies. Some parts are just damn funny. Watching the movie with people from the same school = lousy theatre. And I’ve never watched Mr. Myth sitting beside me laugh that hard before.

Overall, this is a good movie for the mainstream audience but not so much for the comic purist. And don’t go all “Spider-man2 was so so much better”. This is a sequel, if they did it the same way, you call it boring. The production team is trying to do something compelling as a Spider-man movie, while still remaining fresh.

Ratings: B+
(Ratings range from F to A+)

Linkin Park’s Minutes to Midnight Review

This is how Linkin Park starts again. Not with a bang, but with a softer whimper.
Its a good thing though.
1st of all, this is not Hybrid Theory part 3. It’s a whole new thing.
It’s no surprise the band’s whole new direction without their usual nu-metal can garner mixed reviews, but personally, I think, this album is something fresh & original, something deeper than the previous few, something sounding more brutal yet honest.

To be frank, this album did not have the same impact on me as the previous 2 did. It’s indeed a bit challenging to listen to the tracks while expecting the same BOOM and personal-connectivity from the Hybrid Theory & Meteora tracks, but at the end of the day, listening to the new tracks at different times did give a slightly different feel to the overall effect, as the band quoted that themselves.

The songs vary. There’s classic rock, punk, hip-hop, and rapping. Less screaming from Chester but he did show off that he can really sing by some of the melodic tracks (Yes you heard me, now they have lesser reasons to say LP is all about noise). Mike still raps, but this time he did a couple of solos with melodic singing. The 2 vocalists rarely mix together but they do well on their different tracks.

The lyrics now contain profanity, like “Given Up” has the most idenitical tone to previous songs but this time, it has f words. Its not really a bad thing, at least the swearing in this albumis used for honest expression instead of spamming it everywhere (Think Limp Bizkit & Gangsta rap).

Tracks like “What I’ve Done” & “Hands Held High” have metaphorical and some politically-charged lyrics. “What I’ve Done” have a bit of Christianish tones in my opinion, and the video (below), while expressing all the social and political negativity in the background, the main idea is about self-realization & forgiveness, and that some things can & need to be reborn (the grass that grows back into the ground). “Hands Held High” gives more politically-charged tones, but it’s a strong & good interpretation of America & the war in Iraq (just read the lyrics). There’s a catchy hand-clap-rap “Bleed it out”, and I think this track is particularly fresh. Tracks like “Leave Out All The Rest”, “Valentine’s Day”, “The Little Things That Give You Away” deal with relationships, anger & hurt (as usual), but this time with more melodic tunes and less screaming.

Rating: A

ok and finally my post.
life's been busy, but its myself i'm more afraid to face.
there's quite a bit of work to be done, and i'm trying to do it with fun.
quite used to the workload and my workflow, but i can still improve. my weekends are literally no-life. piles and piles of work.
sch social life is quite fine, lol.

at the end of the day, no matter how successful, how shameful, how high or low, i just gotta recognize, the constant need for peace. I think God specialises in that.
=)

Spidey 3 is under-rated.

2007-05-10T00:30:00.000+08:00

just back after a long long day out.
from 8am to 11pm. and right now i still have web design colour mockup to chiong, and i only slept for 5 hours ytd. good game eh.

just went to watch spider-man 3 with many SIDM ppl.
the movie is good, though i actually didn't anticipate it since i thought the trailer gave the entire overall storyline and i hear ppl saying the movie is ok. but really, this one exceeded my expectations as a said mediocre movie, even more as a sequel. the humourous parts were the best parts of the movie. if i had time, maybe i'll write a review or something. the spidey films are really good mainstream comic hero flicks.

k la, nothing much i want to say now la. better start work le. its 12.40am.
=Z

Breakhead Mountain

2007-05-09T00:42:00.000+08:00

random post on this unholy hour, so much school work to be done!
didn't waste my weekend last week, but my lack of checking on work progress & the procrastinations' taking its toil on me liao.

3D vehicle modeling, Online portfolio for Web Design, 2D Run-cycle Animation, and Drawings!
just chiong finish after quite a few hours of dot-colouring, which is the pixel art character in 3 sizes.. got time I upload here, i like it cuz the design is based on P4R4N01D, blue clown demon, a character i designed last time to represent cynicism demon in my mind. i think i'm using it for my web design assignment as well.

today's tuesday, longest day of every week. the guys' in my class continuous "friendly"-suaning is getting a bit on my nerves. trying my best not to be angry or sad, its still my loss. i can laugh and smile still, but i hope they know i have a tolerance limit like everyone else.

i feel so much more tired, but so much more aware.
but one of top priority in my mind is to try my best to pull this workwave off. its only the 1st wave, i can't die yet.

anyway changed this blog's main picture and the music. tho its not really an honest depiction of my attitude, i hope i can soon learn to carpe diem!
i like clay aiken's newest album, he covered some great classic singles from other artists. and also, his songs tend to have a "christianish" tone to it without sounding too hill-songish (sorry, had to say it), hahaha. very nice i like~

in the meantime, all the self-proclaimed motherfking princesses, stop playing that avril's girlfriend song on ur mobile phones. its ANNOYING~
Hey Hey You You, Ni chang ge xiang ge DA BIAN~! (you sing like a piece of shit)
No Way No Way, Bu shi yi ge MI MI~ (its no secret)
seriously, that album is really mediocre, still prefer avril's old style.

okok, gotta rest soon le, tmr morning got jap class. all the mas, the des, the la's and the ra's. quite fun tho, so i can watch some particular japs vids again and know wth they talking about! (no not refering to anime, its for 12-year-olds)
k la im joking. to be honest, im still trying to rid my life of dling av idol torrents. sometimes i just dl them & watch a while cuz im bored/feeling rather empty. its no excuse tho, its still a bad act. just making a confession, but i think many knows. -_- -_-

starting to talk crap liao. thanks for visiting.

make my blog more lively, tag regularly~
keke

zzzzzzzzzz

Youtube Funny Videos Compilation

2007-05-05T15:38:00.001+08:00

Since I always find and share funny stuff on youtube with msn ppl, I thought, why not put some best ones here, lolx.

“Indian Thriller”
This is the most recent one and the funniest thing I’ve watched since Borat. It’s a Indian MTV imitating Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. The English subtitles are not its translation, just how it sounds in english.
Seriously, I think I’ve watched this more than 10 times, and still watching on a daily basis, lolx. -_-

“Tunak Tunak Tun” with English subtitles made by the same person, but its less funny imo.

People who find Borat too offensive or can’t understand its satirical humour should not watch the 2 below.

“Borat’s Guide to Country Music” (Stay for the end part!)

“Borat’s Sexy Drown Watch” (Baywatch Parody)
Warning: there’s a unseen sex sequence.

Christians who don’t have a sense of humour shouldn’t watch the 2 below as well.

“I will survive”
I found this a bit lame and offensive at 1st, but now I just find it as a stupid parody, still funny. For your info, the real Jesus is NOT like that.

“Terminator meets Jesus”
This is damn funny, and surprisingly, makes no joke of Christianity. (In fact, the character of Jesus depicted here is quite accurate.)

"FFVII Gangsta Rap"
This is hilarious as well, clips from Advent Children with song of Snoop Dogg, "Lay Low"
the lip-sync and video editing is great. Sephiroth the gangsta~
Warning: vulgarities everywhere, same as in every gangsta rap.

That’s all, period. Hope you enjoyed. XD

"Apprends-nous donc à bien compter nos jours."

2007-05-05T15:16:00.000+08:00

I don’t know how to start this entry. I don’t really want to blog. I feel like it, but I don’t.
Let’s just say my mind is really tired nowadays, even at rest.
I can’t sleep well, why do I have so many dreams every single night? Either fantasy/game worlds, or social lifestyles I adopt or don’t.

Everything that’s negative from last term seems to be coming back to me as well, all the blind rushes, all the isolated thoughts, and all the negativity that were there.
Weekend syndromes like lethargy and procrastination haunting and reaping what it sows, pushing everything to the weekdays and on and on. The ironies and loathsomeness of sin that surround me day after day. Assignments here and there while trying to do it with enthusiasm. Ocd still affecting my life pretty much. I want to run from it all. I have to stay and fight, and if possible, live. Vicious cycles again and again. Facing the self I am at home, and the self I am when I’m outside.

Had a damn long period of three months crazily rushing for the end of the studio project, not much play, not much outing, not much reflection. Results were alright, but I found myself damn lost at the end of march.

A church camp I attended a few years came out with a slogan, “Don’t just exist. Live!”
Maybe I’m already trying to live my best by existing? Go figure.

I’m trying not to sound like faking emo, but its not really nice living like that with all that in the mind.
Deep inside, I’d rather die. Deeper in, I’m afraid of death.

Sometimes, it’s not easy to move on with so much from the past unresolved, while reflection I deemed necessary (like this) may be harmful and time-consuming.

I use my blog mostly for depositing thoughts, thoughts people around me usually won’t hear, or wouldn’t want to. They say depressed people are very self-centered and easily obsessed with things. True. But if depressed people don’t center thoughts on themselves, who’s going to? Who’s going to prove them wrong that they care (if they do)?

Happenings:

Usual school sessions as ever. Usual homework stress, emotional thoughts, and the heavy façade to cover it all.

School life is getting better and more interesting though, cuz of the sketch group thingy, lesser late-night lonely drawing sessions, more talk, more discussion, more interdependency I have been seeking all year.

Usual people in school friendly-suaning me everyday, while getting back angry at them is a loss stacked up on the loss itself. That’s why they see a lot of my expressions that is without expression. So-so la, at least now I don’t dislike staying in school so much, not that I like the home-and-online-emoness thing so much though.

Yiru came last sat to take some programs like photoshop and illustrator from me. She helped me posed a few to serve as reference for drawing homework as well lol. She’s a supporter of my works, she’d occasionally come online to ask to see my recent works, even encouraged me to put up a digital portfolio, which I am lazy to but soon, one is going to be up as my Web design assignment. Anyways, still owe her a lunch for helping me get through my shitty O’levels art paper, thanks old friend~! XD

Plutotech finally fetched my new comp back for service after a week plus of delay. And 2 weeks have gone, my comp have not come back! Now they claiming they double checking again so that the motherboard won’t go nuts again. The 1st day my comp arrived, the motherboard already had problems and it was replaced once, this is the second time. My parents real dulan already, 3k plus comp keep spoiling and plutotech’s damn laggy service. Its been more than a month since my new comp spoilt. Mom wants to throw it back at them and ask for the entire 3k back. Even my patience with their service is running out. It better be good when it comes back next Monday.

Entertainment- god of war 2, playing halfway. Real epic, a worthy “swan song” for my ps2 to embrace. And not to mention, more virtual harmless violence to my already desensitized mind. Savage online still is very fun and quite addictive.
Didn’t watch much movies, except for the Wed DMD outing for Spidey3, just downloaded 300, watched only a bit.
Feel like writing games/movies/music reviews sometimes, but don’t really see the point bah, not that free either. If possible, I’d prefer people to review on my future works!

Looking forward to Linkin Park’s “Minutes to Midnight”, Maroon 5 “It won’t be soon before long”, and Marilyn Manson’s “Eat me, Drink me.”
As said, I prefer Marilyn Manson’s songs to Hillsong’s, as I don’t really like all of that religious ecstasy (too strong a word?). Christian songs are alright, and can remind us of many spiritual things, but listening to too much, raising your arms and letting the holy spirit fill your tongue, but you don’t have much works and wisedom to back up all your spamming of Christian words, not very nice ain’t it? Some churches avoid Hillsongs to be sang in Sunday church NOT because they are legalistic. They just prefer hymns they have remained consistent in terms of Biblical meaning throughout the ages.
As for Marilyn Manson, I respect him as an artist and his ways of honest and artistic expressions to modern social life and the hypocrisy of politics and religion, but I don’t necessary idolize the ideals stated in his songs.

A few days back, I started feeling discomfort and tightness in my chest. Was planning to quickly finish my pixel art room, but ended up resting 1st, then rushing in the night. It dawned on me that I’ve really neglected my health and fitness for too long, as work was my primary concern since I’ve joined DMD. I’m assuming I have a bit of angina, which is a sign that a heart attack is likely to happen in the future if I don’t start doing preventive measures. I don't want to be one of those people who spend all their health for money in their youth, and then spend all their money on their health when they become older.

By health means, body and mind, I am a wreck. I always wished there is a restart button for my life somewhere. I want to get up, but so many things pulling me back. This mountain I must climb. Obesity, depression, ocd, I wish it would just fuck off. The future is always welcoming and depressing in the same time. I wish I have more control over myself when I’m in the environment. Some say they are the way they are because people make them to be, but it is ultimately oneself that allows the environment to manipulate one.

God seems to be reminding me of the fragility of life, as sometimes my mindset is taking the days that have been granted for nothing, and keep going through the crazy work rushes while neglecting areas that are important as well. Society and environment usually teaches all of us to plan and purpose-fy our life in preparation for the next 50 years, without giving us the thought that the future may not come at all (or as expected) due to severe unforeseen consequences.

With all that said, I find this an good and inspiring short article:
http://unveil.typepad.com/unveil/2005/12/teach_us_to_num.html
“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisedom.” – Psalm 90:12

I gotta find the motivation to fight this ocd, gotta get out more for some exercise, this is the only major obstacle I have. In fact, my ocd is really affecting my lifestyle lots.

Right now, life has to go on. Slowly, one step at a time. I don’t want to demand signs from above, I just want to know He’s there, He’s sovereign, He’s compassionate. Even if the entire world drops me(purposefully or by mistake), His hands will be there to catch me, not because I deserve that, but because He allowed it to be so through an act done 2007 years ago.
I don’t want to care if I have to go through all the vicious cycles, I just want to know, I will get there, I will finish the race, and finish it the best I can if I am to.

Thanks for reading.

"Moushiwake arimasen deshita"

2007-04-19T10:59:00.000+08:00

3 days in school passed lo.

Yea I saw the news of the Virginia Tech massacre. Poor Americans & their liberty to carry guns to “protect” themselves.
I’m expecting politicians like Jack Thompson to again use this opportunity to manipulate the media and use Christianity to persuade the people towards his own political agenda. Rather than telling people why GTA should not be imitated in real life, and most of Marilyn Manson’s ideals in his music should not be applied to real life, scum like him will take the chance and slab every blame for the motivation of the shooters at ‘evil’ media and never thought of maybe the shooters had personal/family/social issues. Whats worse is, everyone after columbine was told by the media the shooters listened to Marilyn Manson everyday that’s why they turned crazy and shot many dead, which in fact, the suspects didn’t even listen to any of his tracks.
Anyway, this is quite a good interview, at least now they don’t slap “gamers are all evil crazy psychos” onto violent video games.
http://www.gametrailers.com/umwatcher.php?id=58441

Virginia Tech Shooting: CNN Overview

Original Song Dedicated To Families Of Virginia Tech Victims

Tuesday was sure long, Had games visual art class in the morning from 9am. CMY, Marcus, Nicholas were in it as well. It seems only 2 or 3 animation ppl are in it.
1st assignment is to create pixel art, its funny how the tutor says Maple Story graphics are awesome because newbies to the industries like us can’t even create awesome pixel art.
Then got 4 hours break as class ended early. Went library and spent time there with CMY, Ying Zhi, then Han Wee & Yong Yi.
1st 2D animation assignment looks tough and a huge jump from what we’ve done last time. I’m more worried about painting the backgrounds, I still have not done a nice piece of digital painting before. 3D modeling, Steve Lim is quite a nice, straightforward and honest tutor.

Then was the 1st Sketching Club meeting at 7pm to 8pm. Seriously I was quite beat and mind-tired that day, so I just tried my best to draw a bit. But its quite nice & fun to be drawing together and drawing one another. Also can learn from one another as well.
Went home that day, was seriously tired that I only came online for a while to surf net and post the blog post I did that morning. Felt mind-burdened as I feel like emo-ing, but I realized sleep is the easier way to kill thoughts and move on, if I get to fall asleep, that is.

Yesterday morning, I had Jap class with CMY. Ok la, quite fun, the tutor was nice and all. Would have felt annoyed if there were any “pro” (pro means they learnt and were exposed earlier) speakers who love to spam their Jap knowledge everywhere.
Rouis-san desu. My new name. Haha.
After the class, went Bras Basah with CMY to get Carbon Chalk for alternative to Conte Crayons. Then went walking around in Bugis. Played the crazy bug-fested driving-shooting game with him, and then I tried a round of Guitar Freak after watching CMY play. Lol, I got E for all 3 pieces though I only played beginner level. Can’t blame, I’m not familiar with any of the tracks, which at least the cute popish ones were quite pleasant but not the emo goth j-rock (no offense, but its really not appealing). =/

Stupid briefing was cancelled. Can’t say anything else.
Left the ‘social’ scene which surrounded the lecture hall soon with CMY and Zichao. Maybe we just are a bit “anti-social”. Ha.
Met XE4 Kelvin on my way home, I heard he couldn’t pass JC one, now he’s going to NYP. Wish him well eh.

Last night, had a quarrel with Mom over a trivial matter. Wasn’t the first time, wasn’t the worst time, but her words reminded me of how many many times I took her, her concern, her efforts to make my life easier and her forgiveness for granted. I remember now, quarrels and fights are seldom brought forward to the next day because she usually forgives and forgets whatever shit I’ve done the previous day, and then spend the same amount of concern as ever. She said, “You treat your friends well, but you always talk this way to me….. One day maybe if I gave up my life for you, you’ll realize my importance.” Her words regarding my attitude also shows my attitude towards Christ as well. I’m still learning to try to not repeat all the stupid mistakes, and one day make it up all to her just the best sorry I can give, though I think she’s happy enough to see me grow up happily and healthily. Life is emo-ish sometimes, but through it all, there’s still just too much I’m indebted to, so much I cannot pay back. My Mom in my life may have been the personification of a practical “Jesus” in my life.

Hmm… whatever comes la. I’m tired of hangin what I sow. I g on to the past, the present and potential future is all I have, God is in control, but I reap what I sow. I’m trying my best to move on and make the best out of it.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”
- Marcel Pagnol

Another term, another life?

2007-04-17T22:54:00.000+08:00

Holidays over~ aii haha
No choice la, have to face it even when I dun feel holidays are enough. In fact, this is the first holiday I wished it would be longer, partly maybe not that much of struggling in the emptiness anymore?

My dear new comp broke down last Monday, just the day before I have to go to sch for briefing (which was very brief) for Year 2. Significance of showing me that time to let go of fun? Haha. No matter, I still had fun with savage online, quite an addictive and satisfying game if you get past the learning curve. 1st MMO I’m playing with my pals.
I got a new 5.1 surround sound system which cost $160 to add to the list of costs my family spent for me during the holidays. The sound was superb, I turned on Shadow of the Colossus and on my subwoofer to max and volume to loud, and when the giant stomped near my character, my bed was shaking! Lolx.
But I’m still kinda sad la, I really haven played enough with my new comp and the term is starting.

In fact for the last few weeks of the holiday, I only went out once or twice for sports as I realize my attitude slowly slipping back to the school term kind of attitude. There’s a lot of adapting to schedules here and there and possibly trying to get my ass out for some fresh air sometime. NS coming, if you put me there right now, I won’t survive a day.

Last Saturday was supposed to be a class outing or sorts, and I was asked by the girls (organizers) at the very near last minute to persuade the boys to go, which I did and really tried, but in the end because no boy really wanted to go, so I tried to persuade the girls to postpone, turns out they were quite dulan at me for backing out. Meh. I’m only supposed to help spread the announcement. Blame it more on their last minute organizing and not asking people themselves. =P. What do you expect 2/3 guys to do there with them? Rather awkward, our class never been really bonded.

Had a pool session last sat in the afternoon with Teck & LX. Ben was playing savage at home, lol. Hope to get together more with them during the term as well.

Monday. Drawing class needs Conte Crayons. Struggling with the black stuff, I was rather insensitive to the material, can’t even draw and shade a sphere well which I can quite easily do with pencils. Hands were black, even when I like the colour black, black conte crayons are rather repulsive to use, period. Went to Bras Basah with Sam after class, realize Straits Commercial had run out of stocks for Conte and they said they ain’t restocking until a few months later. Oh man. Anyway, we still managed to get 2 tiny weenie pieces which were the only ones left. Walked around in Bras Basah, met my Dad and the kind people at Artmark, and then bought a smooth board meant to be used in the drawing class, and bought Ghost Recon Gold Edition for $13 at popular. Went to Sim Lim with Sam while he looked for a 4GB memory stick, and I got a 1GB thumbdrive for $20.

I also troubled about where to get some conte crayons, Meng Yim said that maybe can import from US and A. =?

Mom was rather upset with me that night. Cuz I just spent impulsively with a part of the money that I’m supposed to spend on the Web design book. I feel rather guilty. After all, my mom has been really doting on me and tolerating me for so many years. I have personal issues bothering me all the time, but seriously, I am still rather appreciative to live here in my house, where comfort is always there. I just had hardly given it back anything but problems. But good thing between me and my family, is that quarrels or wrongs are often forgotten the next day. No more crazy happenings like last time as well. I’m really glad inside.

I was actually pouring out my thoughts in prayer when my mom stomped into the room and screaming. Funny how when you are trying to get things right with the Lord, and then the next thing you know, God reminds you of something you neglected and ‘slaps’ guilt at you in the face.

Went to sleep early last night to prepare for the long schedule today, but just woke at 4am, so I thought why not just blog to put a dot significance on thoughts at the end of the holidays. I don’t wanna get addicted to blogging and trying to get attention. It’s the way of the world.

I’m trying to cast out cynicism, procrastination, escapism, lethargy, and my ocd as of now. I pray I know where my source of strength should be at, and use it.
A classic phrase: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think I’m starting to really develop fondness of her, but am I willing to take chances?

Anyway, found this while reading Yiru’s blog. It’s a rap which is done by a Malaysian Chinese describing his hometown, culture and his native tongue. Quite talented, honest and amusing (esp. the part near the ending). Beware, it has some objectionable lyrics like vulagarities.

Also, lol I heard of this song appearing on the soundtrack of Burnout Dominator. It’s a new single, “girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne, and the chorus comes in 5 languages! Here is the Mandarin version fused into the original English MTV. (The MTV just feels wrong as well in the aspect of morality issues.) Enjoy the song. =X

Till next time I update here, and thanks really for reading. =D

Linkin Park's New Album - Minutes To Midnight

2007-04-06T09:20:00.000+08:00

Single - What I've Done

Coolness, finally a new album from LP. The rock/rap & nu-metal is going to be non-existent, but the classic and vintage rock sounds and looks not bad. Also, the lyrics and the direction of the album seem to take in a deeper and metaphorical way. This particular video tackles social issues rather than personal ones, can't wait to listen to the other songs as well.

Album coming May 14. =)

i find it harder to shed tears, happy or sad.

2007-03-22T03:58:00.000+08:00

Didn’t sleep the night after the previous entry, as I chionged the drama thru the night while waiting for the next day to come. My comp was supposed to come that afternoon, and during the morning, I went down to join my pals for some bball. Comp had a problem during the 1st day and was sent back. Spent the entire afternoon watching stuff on my old comp with Teck and Ben, laugh at Borat on youtube, shared what we did for our projects. Somehow when I’m with people I feel comfortable with, I will forget I didn’t sleep the night before. Went out for some Long John Silvers, then slept till today. My new comp came back without any problem, and wow, the ‘chio-ness’ of graphical power. Had some problems getting Vista to work some old games, but at least the internet could work.

I uld even play “F.E.A.R.” at resolution 1680 x 1050, Max Texture Water Everything, 4x Anti-aliasing, 16x Anisotropic filtering, Soft Shadows enabled, all this at a Max FPS of 60 and Minimum of 45! Its beyond amazing, feels so good, all the effects my eyes and ears can only 'feel' not see or hear everything.

Results out le, I got 3.65, decrease by 0.04 than Sem 1’s result. No distinction this time, Drawing got A, some As and B+s and B. Studio Project got B+. Oh well, I’m still content with it la, after all, I really put in much more effort than I did for Sem 1, but Sem 2 was harder or maybe I really should work even harder out of schoolwork? Year 2 is really going to be challenging, while I am still in the midst of planning to get my life in more of a balance, with less crazy timetables, with less negative thoughts, with more healthy habits and exercise. Gotta make good use of this holiday huh.

Finished watching "1 Litre of Tears".. didn't cry, but nonetheless somehow the series can really etch something into your mind. Yea I was grumbling how they fabricated the story a bit in terms of presentation and appearance, but still it’s still really done well, looks wasn't the thing that kept people watching, that’s for sure. That show was sort of like "I not stupid 2", one moment wanna make you feel like crying, one moment make you laugh while you are still crying. The show’s final episodes feel close to the heart, but at the same time, a bit preachy, but overall, it still really captures you in. Anyone that does not learn anything from all the themes and ideas portrayed by the protagonist, really should just watch cartoons or Japanese variety shows, period. Half of the show showed how the characters and the main person got affected, but another half showed the good coming out of the negative impacts brought onto the person, like inspiring others till this day and making people make a whole drama out of it. The entire drama, though short, but it was well-paced. 5 years was portrayed in 10 and ½ episodes, and another 5 years was portrayed in 10 seconds. Shows how much the main character really went through bed-ridden for 5 years, after asking her best & worse source of comfort to leave her and encourages him instead to live the best he can. Watching the show make me realize the frustrations of how it is to be ‘physically retard’ but fully mentally normal, as I think I am quite the opposite. Nonetheless, I have learnt something from a show I never thought I would watch.

One thing that caught me about the ending is, (yea its known that she dies at 25) but the way her mom says the girl would be able to walk, laugh, express herself clearly, and live with no tears because she’s on the other side. It’s sad, because no matter how big an impact and difference she made, how much she suffered while she was still alive, won’t go away when she dies. It’s another one of those questions, “Why did God allow a person more worthy than me to not get the opportunity to know him and find true rest after death?” How can we as Christians claim God’s love is the greatest, when it is a widely known reason that some people prefer being atheists because they see God ‘make’ good people suffer & could have done something about it. God’s love & grace is something Christians know exists but sometimes take it for granted, while the people who love and do all they can, never got to know God. I feel damn unworthy, but nonetheless thankful and motivated.

I also need to learn to let go, to relieve myself more of emotions and thoughts.
I need to look for the gentle glances that may have been existing all along, rather than compressing all thoughts to face the ignorant ones.

As Aya wrote, "Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing."

=Z

2007-03-19T23:53:00.000+08:00

Back for updates, after dragging for a few days, kinda bored even though the week’s that’s gone by has some new activities.

1st off, my family got me a new high-end computer by Plutotech at the IT show, may not be the highest-end around, but it sure can really last for quite long. Now it really feels like a ‘new’ comp that can take on anything.. Anyway, its coming tomorrow.

Here are my current Dell Dimension Specs:
Pentium D Dual Core 2.8gh
1GB DDR2 533Mhz Ram
Geforce 7300LE
160GB HDD
19 inch Monitor 1280x1024 with DVI input – 8ms response time & contrast 700:1

My new bomb Plutotech Ultimax:
Intel Core 2 Duo E6600 (2.4gh)
2GB DDR2 800Mhz
Geforce 8800GTX
320GB HDD
20 inch Widescreen monitor 1680x1050 with DVI input – 5ms response time & contrast 2000:1

About the new specs, it’s a really huge jump from playing games with the 7300LE to the 8800GTX.. sure its not a SLI rig, but I don’t think I’ll be upgrading anytime soon, and should last me till the NS. The rig comes with the price of 3.2K, but then again, I tried configuring it with Sim Lim lists and it ends up at around the same. The only difference is the almighty warranty by the selling company.

Anyway, I met a guy from 3E7’04, I know his name cuz I heard of rumours that he quit school at sec 3 and went on to learn game programming. Then I met him at the IT fair at the Plutotech booth, he says he actually represent Microsoft to talk on stage.. wow. He’s currently using all his technology knowledge to translate it into a business, as he said. In the end, as he had some sort of rank at Plutotech, he gave my comp deal a $30 discount, heh.

About the week that went by, I did 3 new things.
1. Basketball downstairs
2. Jogging at Punggol Park
3. Cycling at Punggol Park & around the neighbourhood.
All thanks to Teck, Ben, LX, the company who was with me, or else I really find it uncomfortable to wear a t-shirt and go out for some fresh air. Basketball was fun, if you play only ABC, but after a short match, the group with me got so f’d, haha. The jogging part was the most tedious, made me feel a bit like fainting even though its only a 2.4km around the park twice, in the end I walked half a round. Now it really makes me think twice about eating compulsively. I really hope I can get back to my sec 2 mentality soon, try to get the ‘drink only water and eat less’ habit in, I hope it can be easier, since my mind wasn’t as confused as that period.
Oh yea, I got a new bike as well, 26inch wheels with full suspension. Man, I owe my Mom a lot. Went cycling twice so far. Once alone at Punggol Park and the river stretch across my condo, I should have brought along my camera, Punggol Park has some nice scenery and sunsets while the river stretch felt more natural and filled with birds flying around in groups. The other time was just at punggol park with Ben and LX, then cycle all the way to rivervale mall near Ben’s place just to eat the awesome noodles at the foodcourt.

At home, the usual surf net and casual gaming (can’t find God of War 2), doraemon comics borrowed from Marchand, and recently watching a inspiring Japanese drama.

Its called, “1 litre of tears” recommended by Ben who said that his friend said, “If you have a heart, you will cry a litre of tears in this drama.” Meh.

From Wikipedia:
“1 Litre of Tears (1リットルの涙 Ichi Rittoru no Namida?) is a Japanese television drama for Fuji Television about a girl who was diagnosed with a disease called Spinocerebellar Degeneration when she was 15 years old, and was able to continue her life until her death at the age of 25 years old. Erika Sawajiri played this girl in this drama. The plot is based on the true story of a Japanese girl named Aya Kito (木藤亜也, July 19, 1962 - May 23, 1988), who had the same disease. She kept writing in her diary to remember her experiences until she could no longer hold a pen. Aya simply wished to live until the end of her life, and the purpose of writing in the diary was to remind herself to not give up. She shed tears many times, at the same time encompassed by the rich love and support from her family and friends. Her diary 1 Litre of Tears was published shortly before her death. It encouraged many people, healthy or diseased, because of its inspiring and courageous messages. As Aya wrote, "Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing."

Hmm overall, although it’s a true story, its still a nicely “repackaged” story into a drama, with the main actor who looked more attractive than the original person, and the whole ‘imaginary’ boyfriend romance thing put into the entire thing (lol), not that its not good, but the truth was there was a love interest but it didn’t blossom to the way the drama portrayed.

I don’t usually watch dramas other than Chinese ones, but watching this somehow was appealing because of the inspiring themes. I’m still at episode 5, and the show keeps giving u a sense of D-day approaching, while u see how the main role and her family & friends was affected by the approaching worse and worse progression and how they coped with it in the end. Half of me really felt compassion for the main role, but half of me kind of admired or should I say ‘envied’ the attitude of the main role and all the rich love and support she received from the people around her. Its still kind of a pity, she died without knowing Christ, yea it sounds like typical ‘christian’ talk, but still, her journey would encourage all the Christians around the world with their faith ‘disturbed’ because they or someone they know are dying of some incurable disease.

Yea the week went by with seemingly less wasted time & boredom like the holidays before, I felt more alive but still somehow heavy thoughts can come back to me. Some advised to get occupied with something to do, go out for fresh air more, but somehow, the sense of emptiness can bite into the night? I think sometimes, am I considered truly strong, if what I am strong at is avoiding the weak points of myself and focusing on the ones with more potential, if what I am strong at is trying to ‘live on’ while evading the haunting problems that still bug me till today?

Watching the drama somehow made me think of my life as well.
Till now, I’m bugged by
1. Clinical Depression
2. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
3. Obesity and weak fitness
4. Unhealthy diet and strong phobias of some food that matters
5. Seemingly lack of concern and understanding from other people
6. and thus, leading myself into more and more self-closure and facades.
7. Obscure school life and seemingly non-existent church life.
Half of me feel the potential to go on, so called ‘faith’. Maybe blind faith is sometimes what I really have? My life thus far, youth is not very happily and well-spent, with vicious cycles coming to and fro. There is the bright side, something I treasure for being alive till now, but is it really enough? Foolishness without guidance, temptations without letting go, sianz. Sometimes I feel seemingly more motivated, sometimes not. As much as I am, I dislike being human. Its neither being truly dead or truly alive.

Superficially, I’m still really blessed, nice family, nice home, nice materials, but the motivation to truly go on, I’m still kind of searching for it. I’ve been reading Bible devotionals and books, sometimes I feel really enlightened, but then again, knowledge does not equal wisdom. I still am a fool in many ways, only by grace, I am and I can.

Last thing, this inspiring prayer by St. Francis:
Grant that I may seek not so much as to believe as to discern.
Grant that I may seek not so much to be understood as to understand.
Grant that I may seek not so much to be right as to relate.
Grant that I may seek not so much to outwit as to outlove.

Anyhoo, enjoy these 2 nice vids. 1 by Nickelback, another 1 by Louis Grammatico of Foreigner.

Year 1 Schoolwork Videos Collection

2007-03-17T02:27:00.000+08:00

Haha since I have more free time nowadays, I thought why not I upload some works onto Youtube. To view, 1st you have to pause the autoplayed music below the links and the archives. Hehe enjoy and feel free to comment.

1. Love Hurts:
This is a edited version of a short film "My Wrongs 8245 - 8249 and 117" which I did quite long ago. Thanks to Teck for helping me for the voicing at the last minute, and thanks for the applause and laughter from those in the lecture theatre during the showing, made me feel great as a amateur director and editor. Voices by me and Teck.

2. Super Super Glue Advertisement
Group work with me, Sam, Marcus, and Nicholas. I did the drawing and the inking primarily.

3. The Chase on Sky City (Playblast)
A maya project, I actually did a darn detailed robot model for this, but in the end I didn't have the skill to animate the entire body therefore I was advised to make a simplified version for easier animation.

4. The Adventures of Captain Ricesack - A "Super" Delusion
My final animation clip for year 1 studio project 2. Done by paper drawings and iStopMotion.

Holidays 1st Week

2007-03-10T04:13:00.000+08:00

hmm nothing much to say about except that this week feels alright for the 1st week of the holidays?

teck, ben, lx, laona went with me to watch Ghost Rider on monday at ps. wanted to chiong Norbit but laona didn't bring his IC/ez-link.
overall not a bad show la.. but not very good either. very short action sequences but the coolness makes up for it bah..
*spoilers* the 'devil' in the movie has a rebellous son and in the end cannot strip Ghost Rider of his ability although he was the one who granted him that. *spoilers end*

well went around walk walk then went to arcade watch lx play the drum and teck and ben kill HOTD4. after which, went to CPP and i chose my present and everyone chipped in. the reason i got to choose my present is that my history of birthday presents aren't really appealling although i still really appreciate them..

for sec 2, I got a Powerpuff Girl Bubbles soft toy because I told everyone I liked Bubbles. The next few was a toy bear, and a weird jap cute monster nodding its head. last year, i just merely commented i was trying out celtic music and in the end, teck and ben bought me a CD full of celtic music. hahaha.

ben and i got teck a gundam for his bdae present as well as to add to his collection.. well we found one we were sure that teck didn't have.. a zaku love concert edition, sure was unique, haha. still waiting for him to build up so we can take a pic with him and the cool zaku.

anyway, i got a 'rainbow six vegas' for my present.. but i'll wait for the new comp before i play bah.

these few days just stayed at home, go out here and there, play some games, surf some net, play with some photoshop.. nothing to look forward too except going IT fair this weekend. I may be getting a new high-end comp! real glad.

they say, a wise lover loves the gift of the lover not as much as the love of the giver.. what about those who feel no love from the people around him? love things?
i'm still confused how to be content, how to be happy, how to trust God..

this week had a better rest le.. although dreams still fill my every night. weird, am i becoming normal? they say those who do not have dreams do not have much. i used to have dreamless nights all along. used to find it hard to fall asleep and then hard to wake up.

maybe my thinking have straigtened out a bit? although enlightenments bring both realisations and also guilt. can only trust that God's grace is sufficient for my every step.

oh well, next week maybe i should start the training sessions since i'm getting ok at handling myself at holiday seasons.

throw all heavy thoughts aside, bring it all to God in prayer. its a privilege to do that, i have to remember.

adios amigo.

rant

2007-03-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

Its somehow altogether almost an indescribable terrible feeling.
I need to rant, I’m just tired of my interaction with the world around me.
Makes me think am I supposed to turn out like this?
For a whole year I’m put up with all this silence people give me, when they finally meet me, they just give me the same old negative comments back when they last meet me. No one’s really concerned about how I’m doing, I say again, people justify their opinions of sad people being selfish and negative but didn’t really think about the possibility that maybe their own selfishness and ignorance in the 1st place produced the effect in the other person. How do I know this? Its only thru DMD year 1 that I realized there are other emo people out there, and for a while I got to step into the outside perspective. Its just the way the world is ain’t it. I admit, sometimes I do laugh at nerds and emos, when I was heavily being one last time, maybe I still am for a bit now. It’s the same thing with people calling others of the same age childish when maybe just a few months ago maybe they were having the same mindset. People just try to justify themselves.
But I’m just tired of going out, trying to ‘get a life’, when sometimes how hard you try, the results still goes obscure on both parties. Somehow, maybe virtual escapes are really to my liking, work and the satisfaction was the only thing that made me feel alive. Games, movies and hobbies made me find an escape in all this shit.
Times like this will appear for many more times in my life, and it is times like this that one wonders how much further can one push on.
Happy times can come and I can easily be content, but the scar of discontentment deep inside somehow becomes deeper.
All in all, I’m just tired of my own obscurity in this world.
I’m confused with what God wants, what He is working on right now, I just hope I can keep the faith. I read the book ‘Disappointment with God’ once more last month, maybe I need to recall what was the new perspectives shown in the book that was worth remembering.
Hello, cruel world. I’m staying because I am in it, not of it.

The leprechaun was chasing after the gold at the end of the rainbow, but all he got was cornflakes. The crowd mocked at him in their hearts, and gave sensible but ignorant comments at the leprechaun’s foolishness. No one ever gave the thought of attempting to encourage the leprechaun to change his mindset and goal for a better one altogether.

=)=

2007-03-03T15:48:00.000+08:00

Haha, I’m back. 1st off, I changed the BG music to a 80’s hit:
“I want to know what love is” by Foreigner
1st heard that song from a Vice City Stories trailer, then dled a classic hits album which included the song. Imo it’s such a nice oldies hit.

Woohoo... studio project 2 is finally over~
There goes all the worries and purgatories and bad luck!
Mini judgment day was yesterday, wasn’t too satisfactory, but well the bottom line is
“I gave my best; I have no regrets at all. I have no professional training at this type of shit either”
Comments were:
Ricesack’s animations were not bad.
Ending not enough punch, Dumbbell handle too thick.
Portfolio – can draw, but most pics are copied from photos (I didn’t bother scanning in unpolished in-class work)
Portfolio’s template a bit too loud.

In the end, my clip and portfolio were returned to me, and I heard the good ones were kept by the tutors. Oh well, I guess I still have room to improve on my animated clip.
What I was quite unhappy about was that the tutors simply skimmed through everything and kept stuff quiet and quick during presentation, I know they have done reviews of SPs many times and they try to act like employers of huge companies that have not much time to spare when reviewing work, but come on, we’re just students, we pay huge school fees, and I don’t even get enough feedback and evaluation in my personal performance on stage for 10 minutes after a month of hard work.
Anyway, the tutor from vice city had good impressions of my final from SP1, but I think this time around he thought not so much?

Aiya, my Super Ricesack didn’t save the day like Yong Yi’s one... honestly I a bit surprised, I think I just overlooked the flaws of mine.
Maybe I had been a bit too confident since this time I really gave my best and didn’t succumb to last minute work, but oh well, I guess I have to wait for the results and see.

During SP period wasn’t that all fun, rush to school from 8am onwards for a few days, some arsehole took out my pegbar from my lightbox pegbar stand and left it somewhere else, and I had to but a new one which costs $12, but heng, I borrowed my lightbox to ZC and I earned $6.

Really used a lot of money for my portfolio too, 1st off, I bought a nice professional display easel for close to $70, the most expensive physical accessory that I’ve ever bought, but overall the easel’s ‘professionalism’ makes the price worth it? I’m using it till my year 3 assessment. I spent around $60 for the printed pieces also, used up 2+ Simple Digital print cards… that’s why I a bit disappointed when the tutors didn’t give sufficient feedback when they just skimmed thru my portfolio, after I spent days cleaning up my work and compiling and taking cabs to rush here and there.

I didn’t celebrate much during CNY and my Bday either, but I do appreciate the times.
I didn’t really have that much mood to let loose cuz I really wanted to finish up my work and leave more time for polishing them. But yea, now holidays are here, Teck, Ben and the few others going to jio me out for some pizza hut, pool and movie action.

Didn’t sleep too well during SP periods either, the funny thing is, some part of me must have craved adventure so much, that for a few days in a row, all my dreams were all of science fiction adventures with people I know.
1st was that Alien invasion which I led my family to evade from those War of the World’s machines, and then joined up a underground resistance movement to carry out the initial operation, somehow I’m still waiting for the sequel and ending to that story my mind wouldn’t have thought up of in the day. But that one gave me the most memorable impression as for the 1st time in my life, it really felt real and not weird, people involved acted like people, and there was fear all around.
Then I had another dream which involved me escaping from the Death Star, (The Empire have come to Earth for some reason), and Totalitarian policies were running our planet, and there were power struggles. The finale ended with me and my friends escaping from a few Transformers which chased us through the underground MRT tunnel and through the city. (wth?)
I have a few other similar ones, and a few sweeter ones and fantasized ones, but lets not go into that, but now I know the consequences of sleeping on my family couch right after I reached home.

A few new year resolutions I hope to accomplish, conquer my OCD, get out more and work out more, get my life back from all the DMD madness and emo-ness, strike a balance here and there somehow.
Holidays are here, some friends supposed to jio me out for work-out sessions too, I hope I can force myself and turn out, since I can also choose to stay at home and play games, surf net all day, or just feel lethargic and emo, but after all that mad work rushes and some encouragements from my pal, I think I roughly know how to make good use of this holiday more.

I may be getting a new kick-ass computer soon somemore, haha can’t wait.

Oh ya, did I mention I watched a damn funny movie last month? Yes, Borat.
That movies still makes me laugh until today, and surprisingly during my drawing purgatory through the lonely night, that movie made me cheer up, lolx.

Went to Auntie’s house with family to ‘bai nian’ a few days back, I really felt like a giant, and everything in the neighbourhood and the house suddenly seem to look so small. Had a little reminiscence crisis after I went back home. Things and questions about how my life have ended up the way it is today just came back. New stunning perspectives just struck my mind that day too. Well, life’s got to go on, and I only hope I understand God’s Will for me.

I received this e-mail today also, I’m not Catholic myself but somehow I find the contents of it very true, and I think its useful to everyone, Christians or not.
Its based on the passage about love in the Bible.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Here is the link: http://www.geocities.com/lauho08/what_is_not_love.html

Anyways, here’s all there is for this entry. All the best to everyone. =)

Chomp Chomp

2006-12-27T00:23:00.000+08:00

Today didn’t go to school, overslept, poor sis tried waking me but her efforts were in vain.
Woke in the afternoon, played some Max Payne 2 without cheats, while sis watches.

It was raining heavily, then I wondered if the Chomp Chomp gathering was canceled. Well, eventually we still went in, everyone paid $7 and shared food like buffet. We were sitting at a table under an umbrella, so it feels kind of warm? Anyway I had to sit on a wet chair, oh well. After Chomp Chomp, went into Serangoon Country Club to see got what thing can do, didn’t play Bowling although rates were slightly cheaper on Tuesdays, and couldn’t do billard neither as some of them were wearing school shirts. Ended up playing at the arcade, lol, quite fun overall. Yiru and I managed to pass that music game where u press a set of buttons, cuz each of us handled half a side of the buttons, haha. I guess I gotta be more exposed to tempo games to try to get a slightly faster reflex though. After that went to Star Bucks and I had a nice cup of $5 Milo (Hot Choc).

We sat there to chat and laugh for a hour or 2, talked about other people and futures. Glad everyone’s doing fine, lots of activities and sociality. Not much talk about me, but I’m content to know how everyone’s doing. Really miss those days, had had its ups and downs, but maybe after all, what it meant to me would eventually be a memory of a time.

There comes a time, when your true self can’t be held by the usual façade u carry, and it shows eventually. Whether people care to do what needs to be done to you, maybe sometimes is up to popularity and intimacy? Façade and life, which is real? I've lost so much of the ability to express myself honestly and freely lately, is it that the world around me have no space for me, or that I am just keeping it all to myself and make myself seem like the kind that prefer to be alone? This year, maybe I have become a silhouette I never thought I would truly be.
Am I really that passive towards change? Or am I just weak?
Or both?

I don’t really wanna care about such things, but I can’t help thinking about such issues sometimes.

I’ll just try my best to be positive in the days to come, on my own or not.
Loveless, friendless, emptiness, are just phases of life, I’m moving on with faith when I have no sight, the thing is the faith better be on the right sources.

Start on homework tomorrow, I have to.
The madness begins again.

"The past is a puzzle, like a broken mirror.
As you piece it together, you cut yourself.
Your image keeps shifting, and you change with it.
It could destroy you, drive you mad.
It could set you free."
- a quote from Max Payne 2.

Merry †'mas.

2006-12-26T00:06:00.000+08:00

Christmas comes, Christmas goes.
Tried to stay cheerful for the day, turns out it was quite a nice day.
Didn’t sleep till morning’s church service.
Was rather tempted to sleep and spend the day alone during the early hours of dawn, but still thought that since I’ve really missed church for so so long, if I don’t show up, it’ll give the impression that I’ve gone to another church or backslide or whatever.
Was supposed to meet Rence at 8.45am, and found out he couldn’t use the toilet at home yet, so I went to Mac 1st and had a nice meal while waiting for him.
Oh well, after managing to stay awake for the entire session (somehow I didn’t feel the urge to doze off for once, was probably thinking about life and stuff and replying 1 or 2 Christmas smses), then found out Terence was the one to fall asleep this time round. Zzz.
Rence and I wanted to ‘溜’ away after service ended since we both know we are well-known for our absence, but we still got to talk a bit and catch up a bit. Didn’t talk much though.

Anyway, today’s church service was talking about the true colours of Christ and Christmas, both in the old and new testament, meh, I’m a bit colourblind. Learnt quite a bit and felt renewed somehow. The thing was learning (or reminding or strengthening) what is the true meaning of Christmas and why Christ lived the life the way he lived.
The question was asked, “Have I any room for Jesus to enter in my life?”
It struck me of course, the me inside the rustiness and webs. My paranoa and fears, my desire to finish my work, to play my games, to watch my movies, to spend time with family and friends, have I really pushed Jesus to the sidelines during most of my Christian life when either I felt real dejected or life was just too complacent, as one of my friends said.

After service, was going to Kovan and met 2 closer-than-others church-goers. One of them was a ex-NYPian and wanted to help me get connected to the low-profile Bible-study groups in NYP, which I thought there were only the Crusade for Christ and Legion of Mary. Ok la, I am quite interested to join, but I’m easily tempted to skip and run away sometimes.

Rence didn’t eat Mac with me earlier, so went hawker center watch him eat while chatting. Saw Ah Chun, his mom and his bro going to Heartland Mall. Funny how we 3 are connected, one is my best friend in the late primary sch years, one is my bb friend and church-going accompanier while the 2 of them are good friends from sec school to JC.
Marchand smsed by then to ask me if I wanted to go his house for the afternoon and maybe pool later, so I said ok.
Stuck by them to do some bag shopping and walking around, then they wanted to go CPP. Took the train with them then.

Meh, somehow I do envy Ah Chun for having such a great mom.
I remembered last time during P5, I had a fight with him, he went home crying and even his mom knew about it. I was like thinking lol, he’s sometimes a bit of a mommy’s boy, and he shows that he’s that type that really sticks more to his family than friends. As time went by, I slowly come to realize, I actually kind of envied him with the close connection with his mother and family, and the reason why he’s overall a nice, fun-loving yet hardworking guy must be his mother’s influence. His brother is as close to his mom too.
I do really appreciate my own mommy, really, except all these years, I do wish I have such a relationship with her just like Ah Chun to his mom.
I felt kind of a tiny-weeny bit of an extra there since its been long I have had contact with Rence and Chun other than the occasional meetups in NYP’s foodcourt. Ah Chun’s mom did ask about my family, where am I studying at and I explained to her about my course. Everyone says the same encouragement to me, ‘well its good that you at least have an interest in that course, (even though its not like the usual mugging lifestyle while it contains all the crazy time-consuming and sleepless nights)” haha.

Once I reached CPP with them, then I went up to Teck’s place, Ben was there too. Watched him play the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2, and I felt like I already knew the story of the entire saga, haha. I actually fell asleep there for 4 hours, Teck was playing maple at the comp and Ben playing O2 mania with laptop while sitting on the floor when I woke up at 7pm. They actually left me the entire bed to lay on, and they say I actually sleep-talk and hum along to Ben’s laptop tunes! Hahaha.

Mom called by then, they were outside, and going home, so they fetched me up at CPP while I didn’t follow Ben and Teck to play Virtual On at Rivervale Mall’s arcade. Was feeling tired after that nap too. Came home, watched ‘Cats and Dogs’ movie and then the 9pm Chinese serial. Family was playing Monopoly, my sis's new favourite thing. ‘Cats and Dogs’ is quite a nice movie too.

Had a good shower and sit around my comp for a while, then I blogged, which is now.
Going to school tmr to do the boxfold animation while going to learn some Maya 1337 skills from Han Wee, haha. The XE4 chomp chomp thing occurs tmr night too, hope its fun.

Going to sleep, and finally kind of turning back my sleeping hours. Short Christmas, didn’t do much, but didn’t regret forcing myself out of lying on the bed at 8am too.

Merry Christmas everyone. =D

Its Christmas.. already?

2006-12-25T05:21:00.000+08:00

Holidays finally.
Don’t really feel like one though, I’m sure many DMDers would agree on that.
Nevertheless, its still a 2-week breather not including the boxfold animation and the other homework..
Ok so for the past few weeks, I’ve just been hungry to finish the homework, knowing myself that once I relax, I will go overboard, I tried to keep entertainment at bay even on weekends, with only music. What else, I had a real vivid, scary & memorable long nightmare when I slept for 16 hours after I finished drawing class last Tuesday. Anyway, I found out only last Friday that some guy/girl decided to post crap on my tagboard while using the names of the ones who come and tag there, I’m sorry for any inconvenience. I wonder who really dislike or hate me or just want to ‘tease’ me. (writing sexual and insulting stuff relating to me and people I know isn’t quite considered as teasing) Whatever, that lamer has been banned.

Thoughts, many or few, come and go again, the start of holidays is just a bag of mixed feelings. For the half semester, whenever I felt like emo-ing and dissolving, I just kept telling myself that, ‘別想那么多, 活下去’.
School and work is stressful, but at least I have some company and a more clear purpose of what to do, especially when work at least could occasionally spark some passion out of me. The holiday, even when it’s a short one, gave me plenty of time to relax, but at the same time, I can just get dissolved in the loneliness and delinquency (it took me 3 days to finally decide to sit down and update and reflect here) especially when no one jio me out or nothing much to look forward to, except crave for the new year. Its funny how I wanted to do so much of stuff I wanted to do if I had the free time during semester, but now I had so much time, I just laze around and do the thing I want at the moment.

The Monday following the 1st real weekend, I was still quite enthusiastic to quickly finish my work, and did a bit of work back in school, but on Tuesday, Mom accompanied me to the dentist. My teeth had hurt for quite a bit during the course of the weekends, I had suspected it to be wisdom teeth a while back, but now one of it has fully impacted. The dentist detected 3 wisdom teeth, with 1 more possible one. Aii, some wise guy I am, haha. Anyway, for the 1st time, a dentist didn’t scold me for having such poor oral hygiene, the ones back at primary school or the ones at compulsory checkups would give me a lecture. My mouth entered purgatory on that day, for a price of course.

On Wednesday, I was invited to a ex-4E5 steamboat outing. Was hoping to catch up here and there with some of them. Well, turns out no girls showed up, and turns out that the boys still have their usual way of ‘communication’, the suaning, the verbal-usuals, haha. It was overall quite fun, the food was great and affordable ($12 eat all u like + can drink)
Meh, the boys haven’t been in my position to be a classmate to their favourite idol for a whole year, jk..

These few days, I’ve just been watching movies like The Home Alones, and some channel 5 Christmas-related movies like Santa Clause 2, Elf, and Love Actually, which was just now. playing 1 or 2 games like Portable Ops or Max Payne 2, and the usual web-surfing in sites like wikipedia and people’s blogs, checking for meanings of weird words in the online dictionary, and reading some online daily devotionals. And plus eat, and sleep. I have hibernated and slept all I needed for the past few days too, and the sign of dreams that make sense is a sign that I have clearer and better sleep. Because my usual dreams really make no sense, as if I am in some alternate reality.

I’m just tired of procrastinating and stuff, because after that then I realize the things I needed or wanted to do could be done in a quick time if I know where to focus. School work is time-consuming especially with the intent to perfect it as much as possible but I believe I have not gotten the essence of focus either.

At 1st wanted to jio some of my pals out for movie, pool or something, but till now, (It’s the late night of Christmas), I’m still at home. Originally was going to house game party last Saturday, but was informed at last minute and I needed some time to relax too then. Well at least I’m finally leaving my house later to attend service at church, its been long since I have contact with any of them, and Terence just called and jio me to meet and go with him, if not, I’ll honestly would stay at home and emo at a corner, haha.

On the entertainment side, well, home alone wasn’t that boring at least, watched ‘Home Alone 1 and 2’, wow never could have appreciated the movie the way I do now than when I watch it so many years ago. ‘Love Actually’ was kinda heartwarming and nostalgic at times too, with good acting and some really connecting emotional content rather than the crap Hollywood brings out sometimes. I just watched ‘The Family Man’ starring Bruce Willis, quite a meaningful movie that’s really worth watching.

Finally finished MGS Portable Ops too, the only great PSP game that kept me in for hours, wasn’t quite satisfied with the story partly because I saw a few spoilers and that some plot elements have been retconned. Also, it didn’t really feel whole and epic as a usual MGS experience, Ashley Wood’s storyboard cutscenes were great, but they had to be kept short and the story had to be brought out in that few frames.

Finished Max Payne 2 twice with cheat codes too, the story and theme is emo and helplessly sinful, film noir and dark kind of stuff, just my kind of thing. Except the death toll didn’t make sense other than put in for the gameplay. Had so much fun playing with slow-mo Ragdoll and physics in the game, which was why I couldn’t resist playing the ‘whole experience’ using cheats. Part of my inspiration of the picture at the top of the page, other than expressing my nocturnal lifestyle, is from Max Payne as well, haha.

Well, half the holidays are gone, I’m not sure if I can call it wasted, but I did have my rest and stuff, plus the hermitic and lazy lifestyles I’ve put up with while feeling lonely and neglected as usual. Zzz. This is my December, this is my time of the year.

Just read the wikipedia’s definition for loneliness,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness
Sometimes one thinks one knows loneliness, but when comes face to face with it, its another thing. Same goes for love.

Hope I can get some inspiration and insight into living a better life in time.
Well there’s the gathering at Chomp Chomp tmr with some XE4 people to look forward to. =)

29-11-2006

2006-11-29T06:02:00.000+08:00

Here again on a Wednesday morning. Didn’t sleep, well I did for a few hours last afternoon, don’t think its really enough though. Hmm this week had been quite stressed since photoshop & maya both demands something to be done. I’m done with the photoshop assignment after doing it during the weekends & last night, but there’s a 3D practical test this Friday, & homework to be handed up, maya to be practiced. I’m not even done with the Typo thumbnails since it was being rejected for being too visual. Drawing sketchbook of 40 pages needs to be done by next next week, I’m still at 25, not touched up & not totally filled. Chionging this weekend & the next, I guess. I’m losing marks like progress marks on some projects already, trying not to let drawing module slip.

Last week was ok, nothing too demoralizing in terms of academic & social. Thinking a bit as usual, but life on the outside has been monotonous till now. My entire family of my Mom’s side has gone for a 1-week holiday at Taiwan le, I’m left with my maid at home. My grandma’s over to stay since she’s not going to the trip. So far, we do get along quite well, & for a few days coming, I had someone who comes into my room quite frequently showing concern or curiosity & I didn’t yell for that person to go out, haha. I guess I should appreciate my Mom’s concern too when she is back, not everyone gets such caring-though-not-very-understanding-but-still-considerate home-mates huh.

Sometimes I wonder, if all that sadness/emptiness was real, & if it was worth all that at all, but I think that now, God has a reason for allowing me to go to some places & points of life, to see the greater picture later. No contact with church ppl at all nowadays, oh well Christmas is coming, there is a reason to go back to celebrate some Guy’s birthday.

I do feel blessed somehow, after watching ‘Frontline’ last afternoon on TV. It was regarding the issue about people with depression & mental deficiency & how they are cast out or hard to accept by society. Haha, many people actually are more concerned about being hurt by ‘crazy’ people so they are wary of them in case they lose control and hack & shoot like ppl in GTA. The thing is, people like me or worse than me, are more likely to hurt oneself More. But I feel blessed, as my condition was not the worst, and so far, I have not found myself hard to get into a school or a job. Maybe socially, I’m really more introverted nowadays, but I’m still content of the company in my group, though a bit superficial, but there is this mutual respect & sense of companionship.

I’m someone nobody would really want to listen to, but I’m someone always willing to listen. She says she’s not available, so I’m not making any step, just watching from afar, I just hope she’s ok, seems like she’s having some love troubles & conjuring up a lot of theories to cover up/show how she feels. She’s fine on the outside, but she seems to be in a tempest inside nowadays? She has her friends showing concern, she has comments in her blog, she gets intimate advice, I hope she can get over whatever happened.

Time-table. Time still seems to fly, I have not really played much, just doing work, putting in effort. I finally have the academic results this year, nobody said much as if they expected it, but I’m really deteriorating on my social side & my fitness, esp my fitness. Mom & Grandma keep asking me to go exercise. I would like to, if I can get past whatever lack of self-confidence & the judgemental eyes, but I don’t even have time for my fun, how to go downstairs? As if fun was forced into my work, but work may be fun, but its damn damn time-consuming, partly because I work slow & stare into space much. Nvm, outwardly I’m being wasted away, my inward soul is being renewed day by day.

“Don’t let oneself fall, if one can stand.
Fly with the wind, not with one’s wings.
Dream with the faith, not faith in the dream.”

Just came up with that recently. I didn’t conjure that, cuz I think its what the Bible says, but rephrased with words popular with people nowadays, “Fly, wing, dream” & what have you, haha.

Till next time. =

18-11-2006

2006-11-19T03:17:00.000+08:00

2 long weeks, over. Relief, & fear, mixed into my mind. Was going to blog last Saturday, but hell, I was all messed up & procrastinating. Last week was ok, had a bit of troubles here & there, particularly with Photoshop assignments & typography. Had a B for my block alphabets, which I didn't want to redo, just patched up here and there. had a C- for my Photoshop, because I tot the assignment was about copying the picture of the green bottle in terms of its colouring style, turns out mine happened to be a very non-artistic piece, no style, (I couldn't paint very well with computer either), aii. Ha. Friday had a better-than-normal typo class, cuz there was a bit of group work fun going on, & we finished the block alphabets group poster. Yea.

My group at work.

Final Product of the day.

Then came the only highlight of the 2 weeks, went to meet my cousins Iris, Jasmine, & Regina at Clark Quay MRT. was supposed to celebrate Jasmine's bday, I didn't know what were we going to do, but it turns out to be a few fun hours. Gary didn't go so I was the only boy, so they were worried that I may pang-seh at the last minute cuz after all, I’ve been actively absent from weekly family gatherings for a few years running except events like occasions and birthdays. Anyway, we went to this place called 'Settler's Cafe' where there was food and board games. Yes board games, many never-before-seen-on-the-market kinds. After the food & a small game downstairs in the not-so-impressive restaurant, we moved upstairs to a HDB flat kind of place, air-con, tables & cushions on the floor. Played some quick and exciting games, my cousins were like screaming all the way, nearing half-way, even I started to make noise because playing some lame card or board game with them can be so unexpectedly exciting, haha. & they were a bit surprised at my actions, cuz maybe I’m always kind of quiet at family dinners. Seriously, that 2 short hours was like fun, not fun with games, movies & other similar nerds like me, but it made me feel like I was back in 2E4. Those days were great, but pity, life went the other direction a few years down the road. Then after that just took the MRT train with my cousins & went home. & met Sihan on the train with his classmates, apparently some of his classmates which were ex-xms, had to retain, Sihan didn't have to, but he said he's still interested in animation. I just hope he would really come DMD one day.

Took many photos of my cousins that night. & there was some of me in them too. a pity I didn't bring my digicam, cuz my hp camera may be 2 mega-pixels, but quality-wise, nah. went home & played around with the photos in Photoshop, then sent to them. the other time I took some photos of them standing beside the wall to give the impressions of emo-loneliness, which worked quite well. I guess if I may become a photographer some day, or maybe just out of fun, they would be comfortable being my photo models eh.

My cute cousins.. haha.

Chicken cutlet.

Iris & me.

Group Photo.

last Thursday night I actually got to sleep well, so Friday after I got home, I spent some time chatting with Teck & edited the photos. woke up on Saturday late afternoon. felt like I had a lot of things I want to do, or I had to do, some games, touching up my school works, watching 1 or 2 movies, then just didn't do anything much. felt bored & played max payne to the next morning, then watched all 3 'The Mummy' movies in the morning. ended sleeping late at Sunday night. just so messed up as I felt some melancholia added with laziness. the best night out followed by a lousy weekend. then before I pushed myself to reflect on anything, I went into the new week tired.

a few this week, a few tired lonely nights rushing work, a few zombie days, a few social craves, a few lonely melancholic thoughts pushed on, a few concerns for her from afar, a few experiences calling on me to improve on some aspects of the way I live life including time management and exercise, a few realizations of my unproductiveness in terms of work & play, a few struggles with the usual depression & compulsiveness, a few spiritual enlightenments, a few personal philosophical confusion, a few of how much I should appreciate my family more, & here I am on a Saturday afternoon.

Mom brought me to see the doctor this morning, medicine was as always damn expensive, & my dosage was back to 2 per day cuz the doc thinks I need more to transfer the pill from my stomach to my brain as I’m fatter. -_-. the doc was experienced & good, many award many money, many ppl like him, and I’m quite fine with him I think.

I just thought of 2 things this morning. My Mom really is great, always putting me first before her, I’m just thankful to God things are going on quite ok nowadays in my family. I just got to know that I have a lot I have to repay her one day, she deserves more than what she has from everything, from the average moral standpoint, will explain why I say that later.

& somehow today, I imagined if I could walk into a clinic, one of its kind, one day, and the doctor was a guy named Jesus. I'm wondering, what would I tell him my illness was, what would he say &amp;amp;amp; do? I will be healed of whatever I tell him, & it would be for free. Would I like him & like to know him more?
it burns down to this point of my life that, I think I am a person who has accepted Christ as Lord & Saviour, Christ is supposed to be allowed to sit at the throne of my heart, I do not have to visit any clinic! my best clinic would be the Word of God itself, which I know I have not been spending too much time on. The thing is, I really want to meet Jesus soon, not saying I want to die soon, but I just want to feel Him as if He's really there. Of course, God is using modern doctors of the world to heal people's sicknesses, & my brain sickness is real.

the usual quote 'Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference' pops into my mind. I'm here at this point of my life, not really sure what I want to do or accomplish, still searching for a stronger-rooted purpose, still struggling with personal psychological problems alone, still craving for understanding, still not able to be happy in all the luxuries I need, still needing encouragements & the more important, guidance. Silence at this point of my life, has become my best friend, and my worst enemy.

One thing I know for now, is that peace of the mind is what can really satisfy me. I'm placed here right now right here, no where no time better to be. No grass on any side is perfect, because the world isn't. Some say the world is beautiful in its imperfectness but didn't bother to see starvation, war, sadness, suicides, 2 physical & 2 psychological on 1st-hand accounts of everyone all at a time, I say God, Creator of the world, who knows the entire past and future, every man, woman, animal at every time, is the real beautiful one. I am right here, where I deserve to be, where His Will leads me be.

Reality is allowed to be tuned at the right frequency of events to happen at everyone else's life, no temptation too great to bear, the only greatest burden on earth is choice, to make good choices, wisdom is needed, to get wisdom, God is needed to be known, to be loved, to be seeked. the only greater thing than that is God loves everyone else more than anyone can understand, not even the most faithful Christian. No person or even saint is perfect & infallible, (unless u worship the Pope) but it is God whose Will keeps the world going.

Many ppl who have been in romantic love before has at least asked for the definition of love once. I'm no love philosopher, have not experienced any true love, or ask for wad eternal companionship, but all I know is, love is love, only 1 type. a pity, many know human-standard love which is flawed and tainted even in its ultimate beauty, but the only perfect love from God, only can be felt & accepted, but not fully-known. anyway, I hope you reader, understands & enjoys the short & simple passage from the Bible I would like to share.

---

Love

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

---

time to face another week, and for this weekend, I think I’ll seriously do some work, then play a bit here & there.
saw a reference to a Bible verse from a msn nick.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." - 2 Corinthians 4:16
oh so that’s how I got thru every week, seriously, I feel blue & fear nowadays, blue for problems, fear for troubles, only God understands fully, & keeps my life together even tho many times, it feels so apart. there was never ever any real 'end of the world's, maybe just some 'end of my mind's.

I feel satisfied, clearer, lighter after blogging what's above. thanks for visiting & reading, good day. =)

Took the following photos using the animation room's Mac cameras, & it was able to do some interesting tricks, check it out. Be warned, some are funny, some are freaky. =P=D

05-11-2006

2006-11-05T04:44:00.000+08:00

Its been quite a day for me, not the usual lazy lonely weekends, cuz I got to go pool with Teck & Ben for a while, bought some ‘manga’ (lao fu zi) & some PS2 games, & had some chat & catching up for a while. Happy that the hectic week is indeed over, period.

Went home from hougang mall & was back there again, so to get some new specs, & Mom got me a cool yet $150 frame. I always get expensive stuff, spoit brat I am. My degrees increased by 25 for both sides.

Anyway, family’s going to Taiwan soon, I would be left in my house with the maid for a week or so. Thankfully, my maid’s around, or I think I will be late for school more often, ha. Spent some rare time going out with family in the evening lo, after I got my specs, went shopping with them for winter clothing, a camera which they are considering, & shoes. Its been quite a while I actually went out not for school, & for such a long time, plus I’m with my family. It sort of feels… fulfilling in a sort of way.

Finally home, but didn’t play my games. Somehow, after quite a long time, I’m thinking I’m just a casual gamer but likes watching games as entertainment huh. & I feel like hooking up to some games, but just can’t really decide whether to get hooked or maybe at the extreme, get burdened by some expectations I want to make in the games. -_-

Well, I ended up watching ‘Bowling for Columbine’ in the midst of the numerous movies I downloaded, as I wanted to get a break from all the ‘kiddish’ stuff in school that needs a lot of work but not a lot of thinking. ‘Bowling for Columbine’ is a documentary made for the massacre at Columbine High School in the US, which I have only read about in Wikipedia some days ago. The documentary, I feel, is really good. First, it allows me to know of the American culture & history over there in a much wider way, secondly, it leaves a lot of world & society issues to think about, which makes me more interested in Michael Moore’s work. Fear & paranoa are issues I encounter & may be going through, but 'Bowling in Columbine' shows me that the same stuff happens in large populations, societies, & communities, & do not have to be personal.

Now there may be more reason to ask what does the phrase "Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He Lives, ALL FEAR IS GONE." mean.

Hmm don’t get me wrong, I like to get exposed to such political issues or conspiracy theories which I am interested or concerned, but I don’t believe them 100%. Yes, I believe the Word of God is true, but many don’t, which is why I want to get exposed to the world’s opinion without being dragged in. I respect Marilyn Manson for his attitude towards what he believes in, & I don’t really fear or shun the ‘evil’ things in this world without trying to look at the ‘good’ of them happening. God lets bad things happen for good reasons, some which we cannot understand at that moments of them happening. I’m not trying to show off anything here, its just that, I don’t really like people believing so blindly at the truths of their own religion or philosophy when they don’t know what’s really happening at the world outside. They conjure up theories of their own, & then they feel wiser. That’s why the people out there don’t hate religion, but ‘religious’ people.

Though I’m not really sure if some exposure I allow myself to get into may be considered as ‘testing God’, as in deliberately tempting myself or get into trouble & expect a hand to pull me out immediately. meh.

Man I don’t really know why I wrote all that on top, but I just felt like expressing some views I have at the moment. I’m still disconnected from church, as I only feel like going if one of my closer friends there is going, I know its not a very healthy reason to go, but it has always been that way, I still can’t really feel comfortable there without my friend. Maybe its just me, & maybe God will have some way to call me back there with good motivations in my head. Somehow I hope something works out.

Tired, maybe I’ll go play some of the PS2 or new PSP games, or maybe I’ll go to sleep, as I may be going Vivo City with family later. Weekend’s escape, whether alone or not, will eventually end, & more deadlines will coming, I’ve got so much to do again, ha.

03-11-2006

2006-11-03T21:34:00.000+08:00

Whew the week is finally over. I somehow managed to finish my typography assignment.
The art & craft thingy, which kept me a bit worried through the week.
Yea la hand up le but still get rejected, cuz the teacher with make-up eyes gave everyone comments like, ‘its hard, but not impossible’. Darn, each of us spent at least 12 hours for those 2 pieces of work.
I forced myself thru this week not to touch any games or watch any videos, as I know I know my timetable may get out of hand again, didn’t get to the point of crazy last-minute panic like last time, but now I got to redo my assignment after going for it in 2 consecutive nights. Argh, typography may very well be the 1st ‘chemistry’ subject I encounter this year, uninteresting & hard, with an unlikable & strict tutor to add to the list.

Maybe that 3.7 GPA last sem was just an encouragement, as Sam said the 1st sem was probably ‘picking out the men from the boys’ or ‘women from girls’, whatever.
So far, a few quit the course, & there’s only us now. This is where the real hard work & ability to absorb comes in huh. People are enjoying their year-end holidays while we are starting to pia like siao again.
I had a unexpected photoshop test this week, & i reached the class late, found a working computer in 10 minutes, & fumbled thru. Heng, got someone sitting next to me who could give a little tips, but i think i'll just get a pass. its a bit demoralizing if I haven mentioned, this is just the start of the sem & things are continuing to fall back little by little.
Me getting whiny, but yo, thats the truth for me.

2 sessions of 3-hour long drawing classes, & aii, i have to admit, i can't really withstand the noise coming from the girls, & i think most of the boys can't either. I mean, sure, have all the fun & laughter in their clique, but at least be considerate. We boys get criticisms from the girls right away when we made a little noise of our own, but we have really tolerated one girl's attempts @ humouring her clique & the rest for one whole semester, tried giving some hints to ask them to keep it down, but they just went on & on everytime. I'm used to noisy classes, but not sarcastic-sounding jokes, & I'm just being frank.

Anyway, I do not know that if u, reader, come here because you’re bored, or you’re concerned, I don’t know whether if u think I am emo, & my long passages are hard & dry to read. I do admit that sometimes reading my previous posts may be a bit unbearable. But all I have to say, this is who I am, what I may have thought of might not be fact, but what I felt was certainty real, & I’m just pouring out my inner thoughts here. I don’t act emo, & I don’t like people acting emo to spite real-emo people. I have clinical depression, & I’m living with pills, not on them, & I certainty do not really need people to look at me with tinted glasses. I know I’m juggling 2 or more sides, but I’m making the effort to settle down on just one, or make the 2 fuse together.

Hmm, here comes another week huh, & a weekend I’m not sure whether to relax a little or start getting worried about the redo’s & the incoming assignments. Time to get back a bit on my comp with so many movies & new games downloaded, but I don’t think I really have the time or ability to go through all of them, oh well, at least I didn’t waste my bandwidth over the past few days. Also hope I stop thinking that much sometimes because chances are insomnia & time flying by slowly may hit me again.

May God watch over me for the incoming week. Bye.

28-10-2006

2006-10-28T10:42:00.000+08:00

Am I starting to hate the night?
I’ve lived in it for quite a long time, used to its darkness, holding on to whatever light is left in my heart, & just going through it doing my own stuff & not complaining much. Its just that, these few nights I just couldn’t sleep even when I feel downright tired, just feel stuck to my comp, I’m not playing any games or anything, but just seem to be endlessly searching for something soothing before I can fall asleep. Lots of unproductive hours just flew like that, literally. I am bugged down by some bad returning paranoa too, aii.

Hardly slept much for the entire half of the week until yesterday, came back in the Friday afternoon, had a nice meal, and fell asleep on my living sofa until this morning, though didn’t really slept well as the lights were constantly on, & tv sounds, but my family members at least try to be considerate this time although I’m not very considerate to them by sleeping there.

I think I may have lost quite a lot of my ability to express my pains & concerns in a physical way, mostly due to that I have quite negative mindsets, & I usually suffer quietly & alone, not sure whether people would really bother to understand them. Maybe I do have little faith in people’s ability to try to understand people like me, because usually people like me are not very accepted in society. I do am thankful for my small circle of friends though, though seldom in contact with them. The only friend I know that has always been around, is Jesus, the friend who is there when I knock, yet sometimes ‘avoid’ me for me to learn something.

I really hope maybe I would stop wandering so much in the dark, hold on to God’s advice & hope. I’ve learnt quite a bit, yet forgotten quite a bit I’ve learnt in other times too, & some other times, I just thought I’m smart & wise, when I’m not.
Maybe I should really start committing some time back to church too, though I don’t really think I can & I will.

Seriously, I love my course for the interesting works, but I don’t like the entire social thing out of it. Everything is a bit superficial, passion-focused, & a bit hard to follow.

Come to think of it, maybe I am just in a frame of my life’s storyboard. I can’t see further, & I can only remember some of the past. God is the artist, He can see my entire life including my future just by flipping through the pages, but I can’t. Can I trust Him to bring my life somewhere else? Maybe this is the best place I can belong in, for being content with circumstances is different from being content in circumstances.

Semester’s started, and I am a little bit of demoralized already in the 2nd week. I’ve lost quite a bit of marks for 2 projects because I didn’t show much progress or I didn’t submit stuff to the forum on time. I guess the idea of last-minute work REALLY starts to have its negative effects? This semester, I think is the start of the real challenge as lessons are really taught during tutorials, yesterday’s lesson was an example of me trying hard to pay attention but still falling asleep in class, just like the days of sec 4, except for this year’s topics are more interesting & not spoon-fed, so every moment of attention is critical.

My modules are touching on real photoshop stuff & 3D, which I do not have any previous experience of, and besides, I am used to work on my own the entire 1st semester without much interaction with others, can I count on any interdependency I will need to connect to in time to come? Maybe I should start getting rid of that little complacency in myself for being top in the class, & I do admit, my motivations in the 1st sem was not very virtuous & healthy for myself, but I used what I had. I just pray for this semester, I would have the right motivations for working harder & stay more focused.

“Hug me, Jesus, show me you’re there with me on every step of my journey, do forgive me for whatever stubbornness & mistake I have, & don’t let me go. I trust in You, & I want to continue to.”

ok, here's a quiz I took a week ago when Syafiq asked me to:

1.how old do you wish you were?
anything, so long as i'm healthy and happy.
2. where were you when 9/11 happened?
being blur in pri. 6A2.
3. what do you do when vending machines steal your money?
"Matafuka!" BAM! (jk.)
4. do you consider yourself kind?
i'm not sure, but some of my relatives say so.
5. if you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
i'm thinking of a cross, but well, the mark of Jesus should be in my heart.
6. if you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
japanese, to understand more of popular media, but i'd like French, its classy &
adds to my name's origin.
7. do you know your neighbours?
nope, sadly. condo life is lonely since my next door's folks moved. but i once
lived at a babysitter's house for 8 years and the entire floor was occupied by
the family of my babysitter!
8. what do you consider a vacation?
Japan, maybe. just don't show me street porn or vending machines selling girl's
undies, or put me to a funny japanese prank.
9. do you follow your horoscope?
nope. i only believe in One star.
10. would you move for the person you love?
possibly. i love hougang though.
11. are you touchy feely?
hmmm
12. do you believe that opposites attract?
duh.
13. dream job?
astronaut. but now, hmm animator/games designer. not easy.
14. favourite tv channels?
channel 5 & 8.
15. favourite place to go on weekends?
had plenty when i was younger. now i hardly go out at wkends, need rest after
the hectic week. maybe some pool/movie sessions with pals or gatherings.
16. showers or baths?
showers. only soaked once for an hour on a cruise.
17. do you paint your nails?
with saliva when i'm at KFC. finger-licking good.
18. do you trust people easily?
so-so. i'd mostly let time decide.
19. what are your phobias?
emptiness of the mind and heart, and simply thinking about it makes me crazy.
20. do you want kids?
i love kids.
21. do you keep a handwritten journal?
nope.
22. where would you rather be now?
heaven with Jesus where there's no pain or worries, but i have a life to live
out now.
23. who makes you warm and fuzzy?
nah.
24. heavy or light sleeper?
haha my biological clock is very random.
25. are you paranoid?
yeap, i have compulsive-cleaniness behaviours.
26. are you impatient?
sometimes, esp during fustrating games.
27. who can you relate to?
dunno. hope people can see Jesus in me though.
28. how do you feel about interracial couples?
love doesn't care about race.
29. have you been burned by love?
by crushes maybe.
30. what's your pick-up line?
.....
31. what's your main ringtone on your mobile?
Numb - Linkin Park
32. what were you doing at midnight last night?
playing Onimusha 3, msn, downloading stuff.
33. what did the last text on your mobile say?
Haha ic.
34. whose bed did you sleep in last night?
stupid question.
35. what colour shirt are you wearing?
white.
36. most recent movie you watched?
silent hill
37. name three things you have on at all times.
my mind, my heart, my soul.
38. what colour are your bedsheets?
yellow
39. how much cash do you have right now?
$10.
40. what's your favourite part of the chicken?
the middle part of the wing.
41. what's your favourite town/city?
hougang.
42. i can't wait till:
i'm free of my problems.
43. what did you have for dinner last night?
ba chor mee.
44. how tall are you barefoot?
dunno.
45. do you own a gun?
many types in my games. i have a gun i hardly use too.
46. what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
plain water, milo or coffee.
47. where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
no one knows the future.
48. last thing you ate?
also Ba Chor Mee.
49. what songs do you sing in the shower?
along to the songs my comp is playing.
50. last thing that made you laugh?
norbit's trailer.
51. worst injury you ever had?
depression and no one understands.
52. does someone have a crush on you?
i don't think so.
53. what's your favourite candy?
lemon, orange, cola.
54. what song do you want played at your funeral?
'debriefing' from metal gear solid 3 ost. honouring & emotional, that track was
one of the reasons tears came to me while watching mgs3's ending. i'm not sure
if many will cry for me when i'm dead, but i hope that music will calm my
mother's heart if she's still around when I die.
55. eight people to do this?
anyone who wants to do it, i'm not really the kind who likes to pass such chains
around, hehe.

Asking Why

long-term existential crisis.

mad world.

Students always get the short end (RANT)

Out The Back.

I know.

abc.

Zombies ate my sleep away… again.

National Day.

Funny Exam Answers.

Why so cereals?

MGS4 Previews /A huge load off my head.

Sunday/Family Pt. 2

Family.

Life. Game.

it ended like it should.

" In The Air Tonight "

Brick Testament ftw.

"做你的外套。"

XD

PS3 > X360

My online life under attack.

Post 117.

Bunch of Lame Quizzes...

"Let it be"

Non-sense.

Why do I have to think of a title for every post? Damn Template.

Bleahx.

somewhere. somehow. somewhat.

Out 4 Fun.

Nineteen.

Mandarin-forbidden Kingdom

Sundays.

I *HATE* Lotus Seed Pods.

Updates Done.

TEAM FORTRESS 2!!!

"On a Valentine's Day"

Aftermath.

Intermission.

It won't be over soon.

"In Living Colour", "Robot Chicken" Season 2

But He did promise..

God didn't promise days without sh*t.

Just a pentium 4 computer.

New Online Portfolio

grey.

Saturday Night Chillness.

Youtube compilation 2 - Hokkien & Singlish

Bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away.

Reviews. Piles of work.

Spidey 3 is under-rated.

Breakhead Mountain

Youtube Funny Videos Compilation

"Apprends-nous donc à bien compter nos jours."

"Moushiwake arimasen deshita"

Another term, another life?

Linkin Park's New Album - Minutes To Midnight

i find it harder to shed tears, happy or sad.

=Z

Year 1 Schoolwork Videos Collection

Holidays 1st Week

rant

=)=

Chomp Chomp

Merry †'mas.

Its Christmas.. already?

29-11-2006

18-11-2006

05-11-2006

03-11-2006

28-10-2006

I HATE Lotus Seed Pods.